Hold me in your arms, baby? That's what I felt like singing on the bus today. Some dude's butt was chafing my shoulder - he was standing and I was seated. It was so damned packed, as usual, so I couldn't blame him. It was a bit awkward so I thought I'd lighten the mood, but I thought better of it and did not sing. Sorry, Paul Anka, for even thinking it.
I am working 80 hours a week and am barely getting by in this City. Between rent, cost of food, and everything else its like I am saving barely anything at the end of every month.
I don't care what anyone else thinks I need a guy that makes decent money.
I can't marry for just love.
When I see a full moon I wish for the health of my parents. They are the age demographic where luck is definitely needed. However, this past full moon I admit I selfishly wished for a date with my dream woman. I realize it's coincidence but one parent almost immediately became hospitalized in the intensive care unit and I had to fly home halfway across the world. My flight layover turned out to be in the dream woman's city too. I admit I searched for her a bit...but I found a fountain instead, and flipped in a coin and changed back the wish.
I creeped an ex recently, not for jealousy or malice, just for interest. It's weird to see people in their 40's seemingly addicted to social media. Perfect marriage. check. perfect kids. check. perfect job/career. check. But there was nothing there. What seemed like 5000 posts since the pandemic started led to nothing but perfection and a weird distilled version of a life. I guess it allowed to me to move on completely. Not for the life in pictures I saw, but for the fact that 5000 posts in a few years is a life. And nothing that remotely is my life. Anything but that understanding would be dishonest to myself. People change. I guess in this case, we both did.
I’ve been dealing with a heavy footed upstairs neighbour for the last 5 months and although it was tolerable at the start with the aid of headphones and ear plugs - I started getting pressure headaches and symptoms of tinnitus.
When I developed an ear infection I decided to cease with this and just endure the noise … but realised how bad the thumping was only with secondary commentary from a friend who was visiting. When I decided to voice my complaint to my building manager.. only did the behaviour from the neighbours escalate and become antagonistic. Thumping, crashing from early evening to early morning - it was constant. It was if they were taking their life’s frustrations out on the flooring. Anyways one night I had enough. I couldn’t go back to bed. I was in this spiral of frustrating energy. So I decided to snoop. Just thru social media I found out information: names, date of birth, places of work , who the rental agent is for the apartment and other minor things. But what was probably the cream of the crop in terms of free information was that fact this person works for a leading specialist in hearing devices for the hearing impaired. What irony.
That’s all we are at the end of the day. I watched news about a guy who belongs to this group of people who believe that they don’t have to comply with any rules or laws because they say they’re not valid. But no matter where you go or how small the tribe is, every single group has rules. All of them. That’s how humans are able to live together at all, because otherwise it would be total chaos. The fact that so many people now think that rules and laws don’t apply to them is what’s creating so much confusion and fear. There’s too many of us now so we’re all scrabbling for resources just like any small tribe would be fighting for their share against other tribes who also wanted the same things. So if you think that laws and rules don’t have to be followed, go live in the wilderness on your own, where you’ll find out soon enough that even nature has laws.
I always think it’s just me struggling. Everyone is so good at putting on a warm and cheerful demeanour. And when it’s commonly known that things are hard it’s a relief when things can be kept light. Play along that life is beautiful. Somehow I missed the memo, never heard the rules. For everyone in the game it’s a balm, but for those on the outside it feels off kilter, deranged, but you’re not sure if it’s you or everyone else so it must be you. When I do hear someone break out of character and say, things haven’t been good, somehow the air comes back into my lungs and I can breathe again. Was I holding my breath? I suppose I was, afraid to let out anything in fear of contaminating others and causing smiles to wither.
My brother and I used to be really close growing up. He got married and then went through a nasty divorce. That changed him. His mood deteriorated, he disengaged from family, started to abuse substances. I've tried to get him help, be supportive, offer olive branches and everything is met with silence or disinterest. I love him and I mourn the relationship that we could have had. But I realize that I'm not responsible for his happiness and that he's the only one that can implement change.
I don’t want to leave. Vancouver is home. But on a Friday night, or any night for that matter, where am I? My apartment. Sitting in candlelight lost in thought. Embarrassingly the place is barely larger than my childhood bedroom growing up in the back country. There’s pressure to settle down in a small town. I have little life outside of my job here, my favourite haunts that I can no longer afford, friends that have moved away. The neighbourhoods are changing. More skyscrapers sprouting on the skyline. I skim through events hoping I’ll find something that sparks a feeling of life in me but nothing comes. I want to live and I don’t know why or how. Starting again somewhere else feels like defeat. My life isn’t a Hallmark movie. I don’t know where to go and I don’t want to leave, but it feels like there’s nothing here for me. There’s no place like home, anymore.
I've petted ALOT of street cats. It's incredible how diverse the personalities of cats are. Generally street cats range from friendly to frightened, but there are plenty of weirdo cats too... and occasionally a sociopath. I got mauled by one without any warning once. I didn't need stitches but I could recognize the site of the attack by the blood trail for a week. I wish I lived somewhere stable where a pretty indoor outdoor cat could visit me.