Confessions

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I’m not there yet

I want to be where you folks are, going out and seeing friends at events and enjoying! But it’s so much more complex than that. I have PTSD (and ADHD) and I was starting to work with this before the pandemic hit but was interrupted and had experiences throughout the pandemic that further aggravated my PTSD. I’m a mid 30s female. When I get together with folks now I’m confused by the interactions and uncomfortable, peoples boundaries seemed to have all but disappeared completely and they go for that hug without checking I want it, or they reach onto my plate and touch my food - I then can feel my whole body tense and my brain starts to skip like a discman on a jog. I may be reactive, I may excuse myself awkwardly, go to the bathroom just to get space and breath it out, I may pretend it’s totally ok but spend an hour over thinking it at home. It takes so much energy to engage that the thought of connecting with old friends exhausts me and I’m pretty sure I’m losing some of them. I get told not to be afraid - I AM NOT AFRAID - I have frigging PTSD and my body aches with tension when you get near me and my mind is always running on hyperdrive and feels like it’s wearing out. I don’t have compromised immunity, but this “pre existing condition” heavily impacted how I moved thru he pandemic and how my return to “normal”(?) will look.

I can only tell you what you won't get...

I asked a woman out awhile ago,she said no. No problem.but as is often the case, later on she's super friendly and trying to get me attention and when I saw her again recently I could tell she wanted me to ask her out again. When a woman plays hard to get the only thing I'm sure of is she won't ever get me.

Selfish People

At the end of my patience. If someone is acting inconsiderately in public space, like cutting people off without looking, blocking the way while on their phone, budging into a line up, I'm going to say "fuck you!"

I confess, I'm so happy!

I saw the crazy woman that I was inexplicably in love with recently and felt nothing. We chatted in a platonic way and went our separate ways. Now feel free! So happy!

Don’t squander it

Some things are only learned from experience, and some people never learn them at all. If you’re trying to make friends when you’re older, those first few weeks are important. People will be assessing each other to see if they’re a good fit. Similar to a romantic relationship but without all the drama involved with that. So how you treat someone in those first weeks makes all the difference as to whether or not the friendship will continue. You’ll find that it gets harder and harder to make new friends when you get older, so don’t squander the opportunities that come your way, because they won’t keep coming and you’ll find yourself old and lonely. Value the people who are willing to value you.

Maybe ignorance really is bliss

I’ve passed a threshold in my working life that I can’t walk back on; if I think you’re mean, incompetent, manipulative, or plain stupid, I will no longer pretend I don’t notice. I’m the past, I went along with it to not rock the boat. Nowadays I just loathe to deal with the phonies, the narcissists, the dummies. I wish I had an inspiring workplace where the work was meaningful and the colleagues inspiring. Instead the world is clearly showing signs of civilization breakdown, yet my boss continues to bully staff to “like” our own content to improve metrics for head office. I should just go plant trees as my contribution to society would be tangible and net positive.

Word up to my Homies

Oscar, Bert, Ernie and Cookie Monster! I think it’s so cool to see a couple of fellow tokers wearing shirts with the Muppets on them. You’re never too old for a sunny day sweeping them clouds away. And besides, they’re way better than logos that promote messages of hatred and violence towards one another.

Sometimes

A stranger is cold & unfriendly because they themselves feel like complete pieces of sh**. No self esteem, no way of seeing beyond their own sad prison. Signed, that stranger.

Always Thinking

Im middle aged professional w 5 year degree. I am light alcohol drinker and Ive realized if I drink even 2 can of beers even at dinner time, I don't sleep well and have to get up for bathroom. So I drink late in afternoon at latest so the buss is gone well before bedtimes so I can sleep normally. I am a thinker what can I say?!

I need a vacation

I havnt been anywhere since before the pandemic. Im aching to travel! I actually have the money to go but I recently started a new job and realized that i dont get any time off till next year. Honestly, this is making me re-think this job. We deserve better. I work so bloody hard for less and less and I dont even get any meaningful time off. I dont know… im just tired and frustrated. I feel a darkness hanging over me and im trying my best to fight it and avoid slipping back into drugs. Its really hard right now. Sorry for this random dumb rant. This probably doesnt even make sense. At least the sun is shining…

I SAW YOU

TransLink Tina

Thank you for a lively and connected talk. Be nice to talk again. R. Coffee.