i had sexual pleasures alone on the rebound of one of my cousins and it felt great.
I have had my ass kicked by life many times. The hardest part is usually the humility to admit that I lost. I was making $50k a year and the pandemic erased that and I found myself with my tail between my legs applying for minimum wage retail last summer. After seeking out a solid winter, having many things bounce my way that usually wouldn't, I was feeling pretty good going into spring. I dusted myself off with some of these small successes and re-applied to my former life. I got some positive news, but with the pandemic, I remain hesitant to any good news. Late last week I was talking in person to from my 2019 life and not only were they happy to see a familiar face, but they were in awe of my resilience and determination to my industry to stick it out. To re-apply. To get my ass kicked and stand back up and walk back through the door. To have taken on retail(which I still do) and kept my sense of humour. Things are dependent on the summer but should things stay open and the world be normal, I am going back to what I love with a bonus waiting for me at the front door. Taking the L sucks. It sucked. But that's life.
I want to watch the world from afar and write letters to it every day. To let my words be a lullaby in the fog to ferry its mind into a place of respite and dreams.
Don’t ask me to tell any dad jokes. I don’t know what those are.
I’ll never admit to getting old and feeling tired. That’s for other people to do.
Repent at leisure. Or so the saying goes. So I’ve wondered if they’ve ever regretted that impulsive decision made after drinking and having a temper tantrum. So many people seem to make these big choices in the midst of a heightened emotional situation without understanding that words once said can’t be unsaid. So in my case I’ve definitely made some dumb decisions when I wasn’t emotionally calm. However, as I’ve grown older I’ve learned that I need to always keep the harsh things I might be feeling in the moment to myself, unless my intention is to permanently wound someone or destroy a relationship. Sure you can always try to apologize, and they might forgive you, but I guarantee that they will never forget what you said.
Even though I’m in my mid 30s, mentally I feel older. For some strange and reason, I feel as though I have the mentality of a 66 or 76-year-old man. No, I’m not grumpy or anything. I’ve always been separate from the rest of people my age. Maybe it’s just me but I find that people around my age just bore me to death. They’re all the same…Superficial, phoney baloney and so disconnected from reality. None of them seem to spark my interest whatsoever.
I hardly visit my mother anymore like I used to. Our relationship has been broken in the last couple of years. She’s always anxious, on edge and does nothing but cry day in and day out. I could hardly be myself around my mother since she became increasingly overly sensitive. It’s like you have to walk on eggshells when you’re around her, otherwise she gets so offended easily and blows sky high. She never used to be like this back in the good old days. My mom constantly me that her anxiety stems from a dysfunctional abusive family that she grew up in. She was a victim of physical, verbal and sexual abuse. I guess that’s probably why she turned out the way she did. But I’m not sure what to tell her anymore because I am not A psychotherapist. I even suggested that she should try seeking therapy of some sort to address the problems that she’s had in her own life, but she refuses to listen to me. She doesn’t want to help herself and is afraid that some shrink is going to provide her with pills and drug her up. It’s beyond my control and there’s nothing more I can do but carry on and live my own life.
Every day I am reminded how temporary my life is. The roof over my head, my job, the car I drive, my meagre savings, the food in my fridge, the people in my life. All could be gone instantly. I admit I would like some permanence in my life. Some semblance of stability. Though I must remember, in the end none of us gets out of this alive. I can take nothing with me except perhaps what life meant to me. I wish I knew. And what if I don’t figure it out at the end - Will I have to come back? I don’t want to do this again.
I have not kept my end of the bargain. My best friend died four years ago. Before he passed I promised him i would live life to the fullest. It hasnt been easy. The pandemic hit, i then lost my job and then pretty much lost any motivation. But things are better now and last weekend i partied it up. I stayed up late. I danced to every song and shared the dancefloor with some amazing people. I even got a girls number! Lol. So im making up for lost time. Its good to be back but i really miss my friend.