but i'll carry on. just exhausted. seeking to understand others all the while being very misunderstood, it feels like too much work these days. i don't know how people have the energy to date as they do with frequency? i suppose one summer i did that, i've had small bursts of that, but lately i don't want to see anyone at all. for example, the people i matched with online last year and had months of conversation with, i suddenly don't feel inclined to go on a date when they ask me, when in fact, i should. i wanted to!
why does it feel so bothersome now? even the person that i missed so much, in the impossible chance they asked i might say yes and meet them out of mania, and then see myself walking home deciding to never see them again because i feel so numb. the act of dating draws all of my energy out of me. i think i'm depressed. financial stress will tear you apart inside out, so i'm learning. it will eat your romance and all of your desire. i am content spending time with friends, anything that isn't intimate. but a life without romance, even just the romance within you, is a sad one.
For the last bunch of years our marriage has become relatively sexless. I’ve compensated by becoming addicted to porn. Not real porn, but posting photos of myself naked. Real nudes but not usually sexual. They’re actually quite popular. Go figure! I’m closer to 60 than 50, never work out, nothing special down there, but I do have an eye for the scene. It’s really nice to feel desired and appreciated. My wife would be appalled if she knew but I suspect she’d also be jealous and possessive if she read the responses.
Before my wife left for the old country she said she wanted a divorce when she came back. I was devastated. She is coming back now and I have enjoyed being alone and now I'm looking forward to being divorced and being alone again. Yes I know much of the fault for her wanting a divorce is on me but to be honest she will be better off without me.
I used to treat employers with respect and go out of my way to be thoughtful towards them and not let them down. But ever since Covid hit and I got laid off I have been through so many jobs and now I treat them with the respect and commitment they deserve for whatever pittance they feel like throwing my way. Pay me little and if a better job comes along I don't care how much money you claim to have spent training me but I am out that door quicker than a rat deserts a sinking ship and no you don't deserve to have notice. I'm not getting fooled again. Good employees are thin on the ground right now and it is time to get paid what we deserve!
I know it sounds contradictory but I hate anti vaxxers when they confront me in shops or even in the street for wearing a mask but I also find people who flinch when you stand near them even though you are wearing a mask also annoying and also people who jump on me to wear a mask even when I am taking it out of my pocket to put a mask on. Please don't make this pandemic even more unpleasant than it already is.
I have always been sad during the dog days of August. Everything closes, everyone goes on vacation and that is when I am loneliest. A few years ago I found school. Septembers became my favourite month. The month the world rebirths. This year, school is fractured and even with courses going forward, most schools are still more concerned with social political issues than student services. That's life. Life isn't always easy. My resolution this year is to enjoy September and October like I never have before. As it gets colder and darker I am going to be well prepared. With hot chocolate every morning, slippers, blankets, rain gear, etc. With the cold comes a knocking, I am going to face it head on. There are worse things in life as I have found and this fall I am looking forward to more than any in recent memory.
I haven't moved from the couch in nearly 2 freaking years. I thought eventually I'd be able to travel...guess I should learn needlework instead.
After being laid off for over a year, I’ve been recalled back to work and will start this week. My job involves municipal government. I won’t tell you exactly where, but let’s just say that the future lives here. It’ll be nice to get back into the swing of things. And no, I honestly don’t care what type of police force we end up with. I’m just glad to have my job back.
Well, now I have that ‘old man smell’ for as young as I am...sub 40. The pleasing part is that it doesn’t smell bad :)
Thirty years ago on this weekend, I left home for college. My highschool sweetheart and I had a drunken quickie in the bathroom during my going away party. She never told me for a long time, but she had gotten pregnant and miscarried. I feel so badly for what she must have gone through alone because of that accident, poor girl was so young at the time.