I am working 80 hours a week and am barely getting by in this City. Between rent, cost of food, and everything else its like I am saving barely anything at the end of every month.
I don't care what anyone else thinks I need a guy that makes decent money.
I can't marry for just love.
I always think it’s just me struggling. Everyone is so good at putting on a warm and cheerful demeanour. And when it’s commonly known that things are hard it’s a relief when things can be kept light. Play along that life is beautiful. Somehow I missed the memo, never heard the rules. For everyone in the game it’s a balm, but for those on the outside it feels off kilter, deranged, but you’re not sure if it’s you or everyone else so it must be you. When I do hear someone break out of character and say, things haven’t been good, somehow the air comes back into my lungs and I can breathe again. Was I holding my breath? I suppose I was, afraid to let out anything in fear of contaminating others and causing smiles to wither.
My brother and I used to be really close growing up. He got married and then went through a nasty divorce. That changed him. His mood deteriorated, he disengaged from family, started to abuse substances. I've tried to get him help, be supportive, offer olive branches and everything is met with silence or disinterest. I love him and I mourn the relationship that we could have had. But I realize that I'm not responsible for his happiness and that he's the only one that can implement change.
Like, why aren't people getting along? It's a relatively safe area that people want to live in... instead, people are being forced to agree with ideas like it is some extremist totalitarian time?
When I see a full moon I wish for the health of my parents. They are the age demographic where luck is definitely needed. However, this past full moon I admit I selfishly wished for a date with my dream woman. I realize it's coincidence but one parent almost immediately became hospitalized in the intensive care unit and I had to fly home halfway across the world. My flight layover turned out to be in the dream woman's city too. I admit I searched for her a bit...but I found a fountain instead, and flipped in a coin and changed back the wish.
I’ve been dealing with a heavy footed upstairs neighbour for the last 5 months and although it was tolerable at the start with the aid of headphones and ear plugs - I started getting pressure headaches and symptoms of tinnitus.
When I developed an ear infection I decided to cease with this and just endure the noise … but realised how bad the thumping was only with secondary commentary from a friend who was visiting. When I decided to voice my complaint to my building manager.. only did the behaviour from the neighbours escalate and become antagonistic. Thumping, crashing from early evening to early morning - it was constant. It was if they were taking their life’s frustrations out on the flooring. Anyways one night I had enough. I couldn’t go back to bed. I was in this spiral of frustrating energy. So I decided to snoop. Just thru social media I found out information: names, date of birth, places of work , who the rental agent is for the apartment and other minor things. But what was probably the cream of the crop in terms of free information was that fact this person works for a leading specialist in hearing devices for the hearing impaired. What irony.
I haven’t been well and working with medical professionals to figure things out. The problem: an MD wants to prescribe drugs for depression that have unhelpful side affects, a psychiatrist wants to label mentally illness and won’t help unless I take drugs, a gynaecologist says things are fine aside from many fibroids. I ask them all, how are my hormones? Oh your TSH is fine. The Naturopath being the only professional to order hormone tests and the results were far below. When following symptoms thyroid problems check out. I am now on medication. I have so many questions. How many medical professionals does it take to get well?
Dating sites have pleasantly changed a lot, yet I still struggle to stay on them for more than 24 hours before I delete them. Regular group outings might work for me if I could muster the courage to get myself out there, yet it’s challenging to feel worthy of love. That’s an inside job I’m not sure how to broach. With each profile I come across I ask myself, does he look genuinely happy, could I get off staring into those loving eyes, and, would this person even be attracted to me? There’s so much more to attraction than this. Trust, safety, mutual respect, communication, boundaries, values, reflection. I feel overwhelmed and starved.
I've petted ALOT of street cats. It's incredible how diverse the personalities of cats are. Generally street cats range from friendly to frightened, but there are plenty of weirdo cats too... and occasionally a sociopath. I got mauled by one without any warning once. I didn't need stitches but I could recognize the site of the attack by the blood trail for a week. I wish I lived somewhere stable where a pretty indoor outdoor cat could visit me.
It was easier to love you and our friendship when we were both in the same boat. We hated where we lived but making the best ot it, struggling to make ends meet. Now you've taken a great leap of faith and I'm completely stagnant. I don't know why I'm stagnant, just that I am. Time is flying by regardless of who's enjoying life and who is miserable. Listening to how great your life is going is dull and makes me depressed. Yes I realize that sounds selfish.