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With Me

I just realized my mother is the root of my trauma. I need to acknowledge that she too had a mother who was the root of her trauma. Where does it end.

When I listen to Bob Marley's song:

'So Much Troubles in This World' And read the headlines news about Ukraine, and a quarter million people in Texas without electric power being down for a week from an ice storm, and starvation in Senegal Africa, and certain bozos contesting power in the States. If I'm not careful with my thoughts I get anxieties. And then when I witness the homeless people suffering two blocks from where I live. Yea! 'So Much Problems in This World' and I have to think about myself getting angry with some of my neighbours. Then I realize change has to start inside each and everyone of us and maybe, just maybe we can avert WW3 and climate disaster to provide a liveable world for our children's children. Spread the Word

I hate the film industry

I work in a business that supplies the industry. Most if not all film people are self absorbed pricks. They are rude and demanding and entitled. They are spoiled little babies who cry when they dont get their way. I dont care about the terrible movies you make. Im not impressed with how many AirBud movies you worked on. Oh and i worked in film and most departments are racist AF as well. Another one of their qualities lol.

When I let my thoughts run

The most beautiful song from, like, forever ago has lyrics that are a little too extra but the melody and instruments are simply...hmmm... how should I put this... like lying together at night on a rooftop under the stars, watching satellites slowly pass. Your head, feeling the rise and fall on their chest and your hands interlocked, gently playing with each other's fingertips, staring upwards in quiet contentment at the stars while this song plays, forgetting about everything but the here and now. That kind of sensual. I scare myself just thinking about him.... I don't feel anywhere nearly that stalkerish the way those lyrics play out because I like having my own life rather than revolving around someone else's, but when I hear the tone of the song, it really hits feelings that...wow...you know, I want so much to feel this way, to get lost in feelings like those and forget about time while in each other's arms. But I'm just too scared of him.

Losing a job

I found out today both my brother and sister knew I was laid off in July 2022, yet neither said anything to me about it: no support, no encouragement in the job hunt, no sympathy or empathy in losing a job. Radio silence. I feel like there’s no point in having siblings. You’re literally on your own in life, and then you die. *Note: I helped my sister when she lost her job; took her out, listened to her for hours talking about her job loss, gave her cash, have her son gifts. No good deed goes unpunished.

The gift of forgetting

My 97 year old mother is losing her memory. Sometimes it’s a bad thing, but I also think it’s sometimes a good thing. Her marriage to my father was filled with a lot of heartache. He was a serial cheater, and she spent most of my childhood in tears. He didn’t stop cheating until he was too old to do it anymore. They almost split up many times, but she adored him and they stayed together. When he died a few years ago, it broke her heart. But I’ve noticed that lately when she talks about him and their relationship, it’s like she’s talking about a completely different person, because it’s nothing at all like he really was. She’s turned him into this perfect husband in her mind. I admit it’s pretty hard to listen to because he was a lousy father to me too, and caused me a lot of lifelong trauma as a result. But I hold my tongue and let her have her fantasy memories, because she has earned them.

Metal Skin

Rummaging through what feels like wreckage there must be a heart. Limbs and parts unhusked to save the whole, only to find an empty shell. I did everything I could to keep going, to keep myself from falling apart, but I'm unraveled. What is next. Shift. Shed. Move.

Kintsugi

I don't remember when I shattered. Yet with each step, I am becoming more aware of the clinking pieces clashing together. What to be done with this deconstructed vessel. In one world I am already discarded rubble. Yet in another realm of thought, rehabilitation is readily accepted, even celebrated. Each wound mended in gold until whole.

I'm frequently lonely

And when I'm lonely, I eat. I've gained weight. If I weren't so sad, I might care.

Tipping etiquette

What is the tipping protocol when a service provider does a bad job, and you return to have them redo it? I feel a bit resentful that I have to take a bus again and take time out of my day again for them to fix it, and I wouldn’t be there if they did it right. After my hair stylist fixed her mistakes, she looked expectant of another tip. I already tipped her 20% on her on her initial bad job. I feel guilty for not tipping but am I supposed to on errors being fixed? I’ve been a customer for 15+ years, tipping 20-25% each time.

I SAW YOU

Handsome Man with dark cap / florescent...

You were sitting on the right side of the bus just in front of the back door - we saw each other...

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