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Doggy Litter boxes

I know people in condos who have dogs they have trained to go in litter boxes like cats. I dunno, it seems kind of undignified to me. There's also "pet grass", patches of real grass for your dog to poop on that you keep in your apartment saving you the trouble of going outside. Human beings are weird.

Resigning from existence

Lost my job a long while ago and now have a huge gap. EI only gives you 40% after what you make and if you get severance they take that out first, so you could go without anything for a couple of months. because of that and not finding a job, lost my home so now i roommate it. Lost all my proper clothes, so, nothing to interview in and nothing to work in if i get a job because any clothes i did have were worn out long ago. Cant' use WorkBc because you gotta be either on EI (mine ran out) or unemployed for at least a month and I temped to survive so can't use them. Can't get help from any agency unless I become homeless, can't get social assistance unless I take time off temping to do that and even if I did, the amount I make in a half month would erase the amount they give (they give 700/month, half to rent) and then they kick you off after a month for making too much. Can't find a job, can't interview even if i find one, can't keep it without the clothes for it and have to become homeless to get help. I get ridiculous questions for people in these services like whether I have anyone to help (if i did, i wouldn't knock on your door), why i cant find a job (that huge gap , they just don't understand, it makes you unhireable), why i don't have any clothes (you temp for a while, you make barely enough to house and feed yourself, never mind things like replacing clothes). Its not like i haven't tried (if you only knew). I don't have a computer. Mine died, libraries are useless with slow out of date programs and limited time to do anything, that's if you have time because you have to temp to make ends meet. Can't do this anymore. Message received, you're all sending me a big signal: i am no longer required in this world. So, as everything collapses around me, i'll enjoy the last days of "life" (haha, sure) then pack it in. Nobody will care, nobody will miss me. I'm done with struggling and failing. There's no point, it's been a slow painful death the whole time.

I missed having a “Dad”

The older I get, the more I realize how incredibly important fathers are, and not just for their sons. I have a father, but I don’t feel like I ever had a Dad. I get Father’s Day cards and they all say these wonderful things about how the dad was always there for them, etc, and I end up going for the blank ones instead. I can’t lie. He’s misogynistic and narcissistic. He was never ever there for me. He was a horrible husband and a rotten father. Because of him I’ve never had a decent relationship with a man. I’ve had terrible self-esteem after feeling unloved and unwanted for my entire childhood. I watched the way he treated my mom who was so in love with him that she tolerated his treatment and his selfish ways for all these years. I was angry at her too until I realized that she was a victim of his just like the rest of us. I see some men who are so great with their daughters; who spend time with them and encourage them in everything they do. Those girls grew into strong and independent women who know their worth. To this day I’m sure my father couldn’t tell you anything about my life other than the obvious. He never showed an ounce of interest in me or any of my accomplishments. He had no idea of who I was then, or who I am now. He only talks about my brothers whenever he talks about his kids, as if I’m just an accident of some kind. So now I truly believe that fathers are extremely important and if any woman is out there actually planning to be a single parent, please make sure that your child of either gender has a good balance of positive role models of men and women in their lives. You have no idea about the long term effects of having no male that loves you and believes in you can have on a child.

Reach out

We put the onus on the person who needs help to reach out, but what if there's not anyone to reach out to? Crisis lines don't help. The health care system doesn't help. What's left?

Can't find my soul tribe

I find people usually misunderstand me or feel I am giving off bad vibes. So I finally give up trying to make friends or connect with anyone after constant rejections.

I failed today

A very high up person on the organization chart was fired today. I went to say goodbye and he was crying in his office. Because he was so unemotional in his job, I was flummoxed and didn’t know what to do. Even though it wasn’t me who was crying I felt so uncomfortable and left after saying a few nice words. I’m kicking myself now and wish I put aside my feelings and offered something to this crying man... I wish I asked him if he wanted to step out for a coffee or beer. I feel like I should’ve been a friend at that moment and let the hierarchical differences fade away. I’ve never seen a man crying at work before and I failed miserably at making a very sad human being today feel a little less lonely and devastated. I’m sorry... I wish I could rewind and redo today.

I'm doin it

Spent far too long wallowing in self pitty, waiting for things to happen the way i want them to. Recently came to the realization that i could actually do some things to possibly help things turn out the way i want to ( also the realization that i am kind of dumb for taking so long to realize this). The realist in me points out, that since it took so long for me to reach this conclusion, some dynamics may have changed, and things may not play out how i want. But i feel so much better knowing that i am actually trying to make a difference. Even if it is too late.

Off of online dating 2, on to online dating 1

I've made the switch from OkCupid to POF because they don't even let people communicate anymore... online dating sites like Tinder charging $50 a month for being able to talk to people and match with them? So ridiculous. I'd definitely rather meet people in person.

In response to society

What if I'd rather kill myself than let oppression do it slowly and painfully? Is that really so unreasonable?

I SAW YOU

MEET in Gastown

Lunchtime at MEET. We only exchanged a few glances but it felt like more than a glance. I was...

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