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Broke Again.

One of my unforeseen stress responses is to literally light money on fire. 400$ last weekend was dedicated to paying the casino for instance, and disappeared almost with contempt. I make an OK wage, and could get by saving, and tucking money away, and work on being debt free. It would be nice to no longer be indentured. But for some reason, I actively get rid of it, as soon as I get it. I’m not naive enough to think I just hate money anymore. I would love some for actual goals. However I do sort of hate it, or am scared of its effects on people. I’ve been on the parameter of life of some very well off people at times, and I’ve …seen things I really disliked. I just wish I wouldn’t instinctively burn all my money as soon as I get stressed out or run down.

My brother

My brother is antivaxx and he lives with his old parents.

endeared by a cute customer

who i doubt i'll make a move on if an appropriate time ever arises but he's been so sweet and i just appreciate that gentle almost flirtation but not quite interaction, on the daily. the mutual lingering, the quaint cheeriness, and the finding excuses to prolong small talk. i'm not ready to get back into dating quite yet, i'm weary for it after having dated someone who never sought romance, but these pleasant interactions have reminded me that there are lovely intriguing folks out there who might want me too. sometimes that's all you need, those gentle minute flirtations.

Schrödinger's Tinder

I read a missed connection that said "I can't contact you directly; find me on Tinder!" or something to that effect. Only I would never respect a missed connection enough for them to be a missed connection if they were on Tinder.


Now that passports will be required for all events, I’ll be saving all my cash and chilling at the beach or riding bikes or maybe hiking mountains. I’m happy I saw the places I wanted to before this new world.

social media

I just make posts to seek validation for my selfish behavior

Here I Go Again

I'm an aging man with a personality disorder. I like to imagine I'm special, I know now that couldn't be further from reality. I blame it on my mom, we had what therapists called, a dysfunctional family dynamic. Years later, I have all these patterns of blaming people for the things I'm doing. I got away with this very easily in the past, lately, it doesn't work the way it used to. I get called on this quite a lot which sends me down into a spiral. I end up in a drunken stupor embarrassing myself. I wish I had some way to stop it from happening, it is what the condition is. I really have nothing to complain about in comparison to people that are worse off. I'm just so bored with nothing to offer, who am I kidding, I'm jealous as hell, I have to put the people around me in a slump. It makes life a little brighter for me.

Finally, I get it

Often times when visiting my mother in her care home I would find her in her small room staring blankly at the wall. She would never tell me what she was thinking but now that I’m in a similar situation I know she was thinking about all she once had but had now lost. Finally, I get it.

It’s my life

My older sister finds it very strange how I feel comfortable telling some people that I have autism spectrum disorder. What does she care? I feel like she doesn’t even know me after all these years. Whatever I do is none of her fucking business but my own. Believe it or not, I’m very selective about who I share this with. I’ve only told a few close friends and coworkers that I trust because these are the good genuine people in my life.


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