I don’t want to leave. Vancouver is home. But on a Friday night, or any night for that matter, where am I? My apartment. Sitting in candlelight lost in thought. Embarrassingly the place is barely larger than my childhood bedroom growing up in the back country. There’s pressure to settle down in a small town. I have little life outside of my job here, my favourite haunts that I can no longer afford, friends that have moved away. The neighbourhoods are changing. More skyscrapers sprouting on the skyline. I skim through events hoping I’ll find something that sparks a feeling of life in me but nothing comes. I want to live and I don’t know why or how. Starting again somewhere else feels like defeat. My life isn’t a Hallmark movie. I don’t know where to go and I don’t want to leave, but it feels like there’s nothing here for me. There’s no place like home, anymore.

Can't find a family doctor, no one is taking new patients. Doctors are like leprechauns you may see one crossing the road but you can't get an appointment with one. Walk in clinics no longer doing walk in appointments they are only seeing their own patients. But the signs outside their office still say walk in clinics. Now I hear the emergency room at the hospital has new hours 8am to 8 pm only for emergency care. What is going on? What happens if you get hurt at 9pm ? What are you supposed to do ? If you can't walk in to the emergency at the hospital, does that mean the only way to get care is by the ambulance bringing you in ? That's going to put a lot of pressure on the ambulance services, wait times will be ridiculous. And doesn't it cost to take a ride in the ambulance? Once again what's going on? Apparently don't get sick or have an accident ! You know how to get more doctors ? Free education for the medical profession that might interest people to get involved, become a doctor!! Ridiculous Health Care !!

I wonder if I’m the only person who feels that the word “Wokeness” is so overused these days. It’s just another laughable “controversy” created by people who claim to hate cancel culture but spend their time cancelling groups they don't like.

That’s all we are at the end of the day. I watched news about a guy who belongs to this group of people who believe that they don’t have to comply with any rules or laws because they say they’re not valid. But no matter where you go or how small the tribe is, every single group has rules. All of them. That’s how humans are able to live together at all, because otherwise it would be total chaos. The fact that so many people now think that rules and laws don’t apply to them is what’s creating so much confusion and fear. There’s too many of us now so we’re all scrabbling for resources just like any small tribe would be fighting for their share against other tribes who also wanted the same things. So if you think that laws and rules don’t have to be followed, go live in the wilderness on your own, where you’ll find out soon enough that even nature has laws.

I creeped an ex recently, not for jealousy or malice, just for interest. It's weird to see people in their 40's seemingly addicted to social media. Perfect marriage. check. perfect kids. check. perfect job/career. check. But there was nothing there. What seemed like 5000 posts since the pandemic started led to nothing but perfection and a weird distilled version of a life. I guess it allowed to me to move on completely. Not for the life in pictures I saw, but for the fact that 5000 posts in a few years is a life. And nothing that remotely is my life. Anything but that understanding would be dishonest to myself. People change. I guess in this case, we both did.

It must be nice to just sign-up for that.... I wish I didn't try. I have the slightest bit too much money so I do not qualify, but work my ass off. I can see why people just quit their jobs and work their way into the permanent "take care of me government!" system.

I can’t help but feel ripped off left, right and centre. What used to be a loaf of my favourite bread is now 1/3 smaller at the same price. Like the bread manufacturer thought consumers would not notice. It’s so obviously smaller! My previous go-to pastry used to have a full egg across the bun. The egg is now a 1” wide strip down the middle. I threw it out in disgust. A mid-level comedian is coming to town next year. I searched for tickets, and it will cost $2200 for 1 ticket. So I’ve decided that while restaurants are struggling, and theatres need filling, I’m not partaking in these consumer shenanigans on my dime. Not buying Xmas presents, not giving my money away for the next several months. So tired of this “new normal”.

I am working 80 hours a week and am barely getting by in this City. Between rent, cost of food, and everything else its like I am saving barely anything at the end of every month. I don't care what anyone else thinks I need a guy that makes decent money. I can't marry for just love.

I always think it’s just me struggling. Everyone is so good at putting on a warm and cheerful demeanour. And when it’s commonly known that things are hard it’s a relief when things can be kept light. Play along that life is beautiful. Somehow I missed the memo, never heard the rules. For everyone in the game it’s a balm, but for those on the outside it feels off kilter, deranged, but you’re not sure if it’s you or everyone else so it must be you. When I do hear someone break out of character and say, things haven’t been good, somehow the air comes back into my lungs and I can breathe again. Was I holding my breath? I suppose I was, afraid to let out anything in fear of contaminating others and causing smiles to wither.

My brother and I used to be really close growing up. He got married and then went through a nasty divorce. That changed him. His mood deteriorated, he disengaged from family, started to abuse substances. I've tried to get him help, be supportive, offer olive branches and everything is met with silence or disinterest. I love him and I mourn the relationship that we could have had. But I realize that I'm not responsible for his happiness and that he's the only one that can implement change.