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trapped in the worlds greatest city

Love Vancouver. Been here 20 years. Lucky to have been here this long. Lost a bunch of "friends" for not being a covid denier Not making enough for a future, not enough saved up to move for one, too old to change jobs. No regrets.

Code Smells

I have subconscious ideas that affect how I interact with the world. They cause me to believe that I’m not wanted, I don’t belong, and that something is wrong with me. If I created a program and installed these principles, how would it function, if at all?

Pulled two ways

Thinking about someone. I can't tell you why it didn't work out, what I could have done differently or how I managed to screw it all up so badly. I've been reflecting for 12 years without answers. I want nothing more than to see them. I picture them all the time. Like ALL the time. It's a giant tattoo on my mind. But at the same time, I'm scared to see them again. If I ever did come across them I would flee. I would literally flee. I picture myself dangling from a window ledge like Jason Bourne so I'm not spotted. I think I know I'm not strong enough to face them again so I'd rather run.

Trapped.

Trapped by crippling depression, insecurities, poverty, obesity. I'm never escaping this suburban concrete hell.

I took a

short flight to Seattle the other day, my first flight in almost three years. I used to fly all the time and travel extensively, but this time I nearly had a panic attack just being in the airport. Scared of everyone, scared to touch anything, totally OCD about germs. No one talking or smiling. Really bad vibes, but at least I ventured out! I’m hoping we can get back to normal at some point

Suddenly

After a long dry spell, I’m being randomly contacted and hit on by three different men I dated pre-Covid who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort back then. None of the three of them have even seen me in over three to five years, yet all are suddenly offering to wine and dine me over messenger and texts. The attention is nice but I can’t help but feel annoyed - where were any of them back then when they had a chance?! I don’t wanna be the Covid recovery girl!!

George Costanza Mask Moment

As I was leaving my underground parkade and walking toward the building entrance, a women approached at the same time. She was carrying a whole bunch of snowboarding gear. She was mask-less, while I was wearing one (as I do EVERYWHERE). I held the door open for her for several minutes while she struggled to get all her gear in and she thanked me profusely as her face basically grazed my own. In hindsight, I wish I'd just stood back and said, "You go ahead" and let her deal with the gear all alone. After all, that's what you're doing to immunocompromised, at-risk, marginalized folks when you don't wear a mask.

Beautiful Day

On top of it being a blue sky sunny day, I saw the cutest thing: A guy on a drive with his cat stopped at a traffic light. It was bumping up against his chest and nuzzling his chin. I can go home now feeling all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Wrong time

I think I was born in the wrong time. I keep expecting to find people with integrity. People who’s word you can count on. People who admit when they’re wrong and apologize sincerely. But it’s become so increasingly rare that if you find such a person it’s like finding an actual unicorn. It seems like nowadays everyone is only out for themselves and they don’t think twice about screwing over the people in their lives. Even people who claim that they’re a friend or that they love you. I’m becoming totally isolated because I have been hurt far too much for one lifetime. I just want this one to end because I’m tired of being hurt. It’s not in my nature to be “tough” so that other people’s behaviour can’t hurt me. Trust me I know that much because I’ve been around long enough to figure it out. I don’t want to be like that anyway. It disgusts me and I have no respect for them once I see that huge character flaw. I know there’s good people out there but I sure haven’t found any of them around here. I wish there was a meetup group for other unicorns!

Re-entering society

Like mostly everyone else, I’m re-entering society after 2 years of solitary pandemic life. What smacks me hard in the face is dealing with people again. Their egos. Their insecurities. Their lust. I wish I could first be a fly in the wall, just observing and not being directly involved. Watching the preview first before deciding to jump in. Alas, it’s not like that. It’s face to face contact with the human beings again. And it leaves me preferring the days where I experienced no judgment, no jealousy, no dealing with the minds of the opposite sex. People are complex and I don’t feel much desire to get to know them better, to deal with their baggage and needs and wants. Transitioning back in needs to happen in microdoses.

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