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A little bit confused

Not sure if I should head back to Canada. I have been on disability ever since before the pandemic and hanging out in Mexico. Quality of life is so much better here.

Firsts

My mom brought cashews to the Thanksgiving dinner. (We have told her for 10 years now that he’s extremely allergic to nuts.) She mocked him for his allergy. She told me I’m making up the allergy, that it’s my “idea”. She told me my son is weird. I never thought I’d say this but my mom is a bitch.

Comic Life

Somehow I thought the dream of Batman finding his Catwoman and living happily in Gotham was attainable. But I couldn't afford Gotham, I take public transit (no Batmobile) and Catwoman ignores me, and appears to have given up her pleather for motherhood. But I am wearing a black mask.

The forever war

Many people forget that World War 1, the Great War, was only 2 and a half years in length. There was a long build up of countries own issues, and much like the last 20 years of the internet, the science boom pre WW1 was the turn of the century. The social change between rural and culture was the changing guard of society. I read "when will the pandemic be over?" If you aren't making plans and haven't already started living a normal life, you may be one of the many who stay stuck. After my second vaccine, I had a normal summer. Outside of wearing a mandatory mask, which I don't do for mine or your health, but because it is mandatory, my pandemic ended at the end of spring. I have my passport renewed, I've ditched my cool masks for standard blue, I have not tuned in for a COVID update since June. My plans for 2022 are in full swing. This is not a confession, so much as a show of empathy for those who won't move forward. Who will stay stuck. Who will miss out on life. Nothing last forever. Whether it's the pandemic, parenting, career, drugs and alcohol, life won't wait.

Carousel

I went to a funeral. There was a non stop presentation of images overhead. The deceased persons travel images: cruises, beaches, drinks in hand, cruises, beaches, more drinks in hand. It made me think about what I want to show at my own funeral. And I don’t want my travel pictures showing in an endless loop. It looked utterly self indulgent and meaningless. We’re here for a short short time. Are we just here to feel good, masturbate, watch life drift by? I want my life to have more meaning. How did I serve the community, how did I care for things, did I make any changes for the greater good. What sacrifices I made for someone else. Did I care about and do anything about others well being. I never had these thoughts before of what my legacy may be. But vacation pictures are not how I want to be remembered by. Strange as it may sound, I don’t want to be remembered for living a life of pleasure.

Feels good

Nothing feels better than deleting dating apps. Not due to having met someone, more so out of futility and hopelessness, but it still feels like I am shedding something in a good way.

Prove me right or wrong, please.

I was at a concert one night and I wanted to drink hard liquor instead of beer. A couple women to the left of me were looking at me, but I couldn't figure out if it was because of the drink or something else. I do wonder if women look at what men drink. I like to drink cocktails or hard liquor over beer. I love beer and I will ways love beer, but If I can get something stronger, I will. Do I think the 2 women were looking at me during the bands performance because of my drink? I do. Until proven otherwise.

Decency

I guess it’s too much to ask that people treat each other with a modicum of respect or compassion. After several years of being single after being with a super toxic and abusive woman, I put myself out there online. I was hesitant, I have not had the best of luck with women in this city, but out of loneliness I tried. I wish I had not. I know it’s harder for men online. I know there are reasons for that. But I have super LOW expectations and I’m still shocked at how shitty people can be. I’m not even looking for sex. I would just like to meet good and honest people. But maybe they don’t exist here. I don’t know anymore. About anything.

Only way is up, not down.

It's REALLY hard to talk to anyone who isn't my age or older. We are in completely different worlds. I'm 40 in 2 years and 5 months.

Thanksgiving

Today at work, a coworker mentioned that he had multiple invitations to Thanksgiving dinners at various people's homes, and had to choose which invitations to accept. He's going to one on Sunday and another one on Monday. I will be home alone for Thanksgiving. I didn't feel particularly sad about it until today. No one has invited me anywhere, and there's no one I could invite to spend the day with me. My existence matters so little to anyone.

I SAW YOU

To Johnny from Kerry

It was outside Colony on Granville this Thanksgiving Sunday. I was waiting for a friend outside....

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