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I was a hopeless romantic.

Read too many L.M. Montgomery books I guess. Just simple things like walking in the moonlight would be so lovely. I'm starting to doubt those sorts of experiences will ever happen.

I......

... really like eating eggs. I always thought I didn't like them but then I watch Julia child and a bunch of other chefs cook them and they all seem to do them less than you get them in a restaurant they're sort of they're not runny like they're not liquidy they're just almost like a custard. I started doing them up in a double boiler and my goodness I honestly rarely eat anything and go I could eat that again.

I'm trying my best to quit self-sabatoging

and slow progress has been made. Less but persistent. A new beginning always helps but the past that can't be revisited permeates me with scars. I don't know how to be vulnerable and trust. I'm too used to people being obsessed with me, like stalkers or men who just want to fuck me. They cast me as a "manic pixie dream girl", the television trope that's only serving to aid the protagonist's growth, but it's quite literally all the components of nature and nurture that make up me that has made me unusual, I'm truly milquetoast internally. And I'm also still a person, not a trope. So I'm not used to what's normal, when people take it slow and are open to where it takes them. I wished he was vulnerable with me but I guess I wasn't with him either. It is just unfortunate to collect all these scars, I think someday I might become one big scar by my own hands.

Caretaking

a disabled older family member (not old enough for a nursing home) also with personality disorders. I need to do almost everything for them, with no other family to help. They are so mean to me all the time that I have come to just hate them so much. They don't know it and don't have the capacity to have a sane discussion. If I bring up even a small thing, they just explode. So I go on seething quietly inside which isn't good for my health. I used to have strategies to just roll with it but it has been so many years now that all that's left is hate.

I want to believe

that my luck is going to turn around, that life isn't against me, that there is hope, that life won't always feel this lonely. But when you're working flat out and you're flat broke, eating dollar store rice crackers and applesauce for dinner in an overheated room every night, it's tough.

Our new home's greatest feature

Our new home has a small but completely private backyard. The uninhibited sex any time day or night outside has totally rekindled our marriage.

Growing apart

I have a friend who hasn't had a job in a long while. I try being there for him through his depression but it seems like there's a lotta other issues he's not wanting to address. Lots of people I love live with depression, out of all of them he's the first to get up to the things he does. It's not a competition, I'm confused is all! I feel like a terrible friend for saying it but I'm reaching my limit with him. Hell if it doesn't bother me that I work tirelessly to fund his online bigotted misogyny. I have women friends and family I love that grew closer after the Pandemic with. I wanna be there for them in meaningful ways, then I've gotta hear and support his constant tirades, I'm wiped out! There's tons of help and resources I show him but he never wants to try any of it that will help him. He's confined to his computer and phone all day writing toxic garbage. Does anyone have any suggestions?!? I feel like a bad friend but it's wearing me down and poisoning my other relationships and dating options. I don't know how much more of it I can take. Thanks for listening.

Namaste

I’m on my break at work right now and enjoying my peace and quiet in the outdoor open space. Feels very soothing and relaxing to meditate. I don’t socialize with any co workers. Not out of disrespect. I just find that I concentrate better when I’m alone. Being alone allows me to straighten out my thoughts and stay focused.

Weird nightmare

I have the strangest re-occurring nightmare. Its the first day of school and I have all my books and im ready to go, but I dont know where my specific classes are. Its always in this enormous labyrinthine university setting with winding halls and many many floors that seem to go on forever. Everyone else is milling around seemingly comfortable and happy and there I am clutching my books and freaking the f*** out totally lost and confused. I become overwhelmed by this powerless and humiliating feeling... its dreadful.

I'm serious

Brooklyn Bridge and it's not in Brooklyn! Goodbye It's over !

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