The relationship between my mother and myself is strained. I’m also not on good terms with my older sister. I feel like I don’t even know these people anymore. We were a lot more close in younger years, but as I’ve aged, I feel as though things have seem to slipped away. Where did it all go wrong? Where did I lose connection? Did it just slip away? I don’t even know what to say anymore. It’s like the love that I had for them is now diminished. Our relationship has been very strained and I don’t know if anything can ever be fixed.

I had to use a public washroom yesterday designated for everybody which I don't have a problem with. I confess I DO have a problem with people with penises who drop urine on the seat, rim and all over the floor in front of the toilet. I'm sure there are people with vaginas who do the same thing but for the most part I find the offenders are the penis people. Why can't everybody be a little more careful and considerate for others? It's really a matter of cleanliness and biohazards. Honestly.

The longer I live with myself, the more I realize just how hard it is trying to erase -largely self-inflicted- past hurt. You can visit shrinks and read psychology books till the cows come home, but certain pain prangs seem to linger for forever and a day. The hardest of these is learning how to let go of people you loved deeply but either whose affection wasn't reciprocal or it was, but they simply belonged elsewhere at that point in time. Oh, and realizing that you hurt them when you didn't mean to at all, as a result. Saying sorry never cuts it; moreover you can't rewind life like you can a video tape (I is old). Learning how to be a decentish human seems to be a lifetime endeavour of trial and error. It doesn't require money, owning fancy things, or even a primary school education either. You can have twelve degrees, live in the British Properties, and still be a royal hemroid. The only thing that seems to soothe the bitterness of facing our inner rattlesnake at times is wishing those we hurt well, and hope/pray that they're living good lives, if they still happen to be alive. Forgiving others seems to start with forgiving yourself, if you're willing to acknowledge that you ain't no saint that is, and that love should be selfless. I still got a looong way to go.

Last night I dreamt that I saw someone I thought I was very close with for years but ended the friendship when I realized it wasn't healthy. It went as I expected but I got to say my bit so I was leaving when I heard a voice behind me call my name as if they recognized me. I turned and saw a very short, stocky, dark haired person who sort of looked familiar. They gave me a beautiful smile as they embraced me around the waist. The moment they touched me I felt a sense of pure bliss. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. The sensation was so strong it woke me up immediately. It was amazing and a little scary at the same time.

Now Canadians cannot afford a house to have kids in. We import our kids now. What's the point of this?

On this beautiful woman whom I worked with over many moons ago. They called her the Boss Lady. She was a single mother, but it didn’t matter. She had the most gorgeous soulful, crystal blue eyes that really sparkled. Even her teeth were perfect. The sound of her soothing soft spoken voice always cheered me up. Hadn’t seen her since God knows how long. Then I found out that she’s taken. She now has another man in her life. They’re getting serious. No more chances for me. Oh well.

I’ve be entering my exes name and my first name in any contest I see, I hope he wins the hot tub because he’s very cold and a loser and maybe will change his life around!

People, especially children notice my insincere giggle and comment on it often. Throughout my life, I thought it was sort of a technique I used to shake off insecurity. After spending time with my family, I now discovered it's actually a subconacious reaction I developed to all their really bad jokes. It's a laugh that says "this isn't funny but I'm laughing anyway because that's what I'm supposed to do".

I lost people in my life, had failed relationships, fell out with friends and a few acquaintances here and there, but I still have my dignity. Wait a minute! On second thought, no. It’s long gone. When I was 10, it ran away from home.

I been on a hot streak lately and been out with a bunch of women a bunch of times. After a few dates with multiple people, I realize I don't know shit about them. Late 20's, early 30's? Do they have kids or ex's or family? Even the shows we've been too are indicative of anything. It's been fun. Fun like I haven't had in a long time. Pure fun. For a long time everything was generic, boring as f@ck politics and drama. Even the follow up texts and emails aren't clingy. I'm not clingy, they're not clingy. Whatever this new wave of fun is, I'm here for it.