I confess that I'm conflicted about who my kid should be allowed to be around. I want to ensure she grows up with good values. I just don't think that the children of wealthy parents are a good influence. I also don't want to interfere in her friendships, but I just don't feel comfortable letting my family be close to them.
The friends that lean on you heavily while going through a breakup, then disappear completely once in a new relationship, can they still be thought of as “friends”? I’ve accepted inconsiderate behavior for years because I was afraid I’d have no friends left if I didn’t, but the pandemic has helped me realize that spending time in my own company isn’t as bad as I’d once thought.
I have spent the last year fighting isolation, depression and anxiety and I just need to say: Otis Redding, pork dumplings with ponzu, the funny way crows walk, the ion smell of the ocean, sleeping on fresh sheets, hot showers on cold nights, Margot and Richie Tenenbaum, learning to shuck oysters, Blackadder whole 3rd season, toro sashimi, Junkook's smirk, stacks of half-read books, real wood fires, avocado and tomato salad, dry sarcasm, Empress gin martinis, episode 5 of Clarkson's farm, fresh flowers, Korean face masks, real crime podcasts, long walks, sleeping in, making my own lattes, cat videos on YouTube and, most of all, gratitude for every little thing that has gotten me through every day of this year. Also cheese, Lainey Gossip and pornhub. And the Knowledge network! Okay I'm done now.
shaved my legs since last November and I like the look and feel of it!! My boyfriend likes it too. I am embracing my inner hippie until Covid is over, sort of like the female version of Movember.
I have a difficult time communicating my feelings in person. I’m better at writing them down but the message doesn’t come across the way it would if I said it out loud to the person who’s meant to hear it. I’ve spent my entire life bottling up my feelings so my fear is that when I tell someone they’re causing me pain, my feelings will explode into a volcano of deep agony that will overflow into a giant cacophony of sorrow that whomever I’ve subjected this to will run away terrified and never speak to me again. Not allowing myself to feel sad and actually cry when I’m sad has turned into a tar pit that once released will be like the blood from the elevator in the Shining. Who wants that? Not me. So I bury everything.
I went on a hike with two people I met through a mutual friend. Being new to the group, I spent most of the way up tuning into their CrossFit gossip.
The conversation took a dip, and they were discussing a certain woman who apparently has no friends. One of them, rounded off the sentence with “but she’s really mean...”,
To which a solo hiker approaching us, mumbled under their commentary, “I’m nice, and I have no friends”...
Both my fellow hikers burst into an uncomfortable giggle, as if this was a joke he was making, because surely, no one would ever admit to strangers, that somehow, an accumulation of life events did not include practicing charisma.
I wanted to run over, and offer a friend. But that reaction would make him realize that I might think he’s being serious. And god knows, who want to ever admit that they know a vulnerable secret of a stranger without knowing if it was their intention to share truthfully.
Has my privilege made me patronizing? Or should we address loneliness in a less stigmatic tone?
Someone’s comments in the last day mentioned “monitoring reciprocity”. It basically turned on the light for me. My husband and I have had the good fortune of being in well paid careers and we’ve shared our wealth with family and friends: spent money enhancing people’s comfort and safety, bringing the most booze to parties, covering costs and buying transit passes for unemployed folks, taking groups of kids out on the weekends, driving the car-less home, etc..... and the reciprocity has been next to nothing. None of our efforts have been reciprocated. Maybe I’ve been so dumb for being so generous. I took my sister on a wine tasting event and paid for the cab ride. All she did was buy a bottle of wine for herself. My kids best friend even ended up stealing toys from our house. This is after we’ve fed him all day while he was here. I have run out of generosity and thoughtfulness period. I don’t know what it is about people here. My most amazing friend lives in another province and she shows love and care in so many ways to me. Sharing resources has just been a one way street here, and effectively immediately, I’m hoarding my resources for my own family, just like everyone else here.
Posting here will probably be a bad idea because people here are harsh but I just want to vent :( I have hit my late 20s without ever experiencing a relationship where I’ve felt like I mattered. I don’t know what it’s like to feel cared for but I care for others and give them everything. It is so so hard to keep going when I keep putting love out in the world and not getting it back. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Feeling love is a basic human need and I just don’t know if I’ll ever know what that’s like. As time goes on I feel more and more alone and smaller and smaller and I honestly don’t know if I can carry on living. Thank you for reading
I like my partners tall & skinny with a tummy. Best of all worlds!
Seems everyone i know are hypocrites if you look close enough including me I readily admit only on small harmless stuff i like to think sorry to say and am resigned to think this is how almost everyone is and not push them away since that will leave me with no friends.