I just learned that this guy I was with for years was telling his sister all the details of my private life and saying things about me that aren’t true at all. I could tell that she was involved because some of the things he said sounded like it was her talking and not him because he’s not educated. Then I found out that it wasn’t only his sister he told but his mom too, so they both think they know me way better than they actually do. I don’t feel better knowing this even though it does feel a little bit validating. It makes me feel violated and sad because I trusted him with so much and of course a lot of what he said about me wasn’t even true and he always made himself out to be an innocent victim and never mentioned anything he did that created a lot of the problems we had. I wish I could tell them all what I know but if I did that I’d be breaking the trust of the person who told me and I promised I wouldn’t say anything. But it’s making me boil inside!
If only I had listened to my own advice I would have never stayed in that last relationship. Here’s the key to knowing if a relationship is a good one: if that person makes you feel good about yourself, stay. If you’re doubting yourself, second guessing everything you think, feeling insecure about how they truly feel about you, feeling like you’re not good enough and that everything is your fault, chances are you’re with a manipulator. Do they drop little digs about your appearance or intelligence every once in a while? Like making a slightly mean comment or always telling you they’re ”just joking” when they’ve said something critical about you? So you start feeling self-conscious about your attractiveness or intelligence? Do you feel confused and slightly anxious a lot? If the answer to most of these questions is yes, GET OUT before the damage to your psyche is so bad that you become overwhelmed and severely depressed. Just remember that someone who has your best interests at heart will never make you feel like that. You will feel loved and secure when you’re with the right person. You won’t feel judged and criticized and bad about yourself. Listen carefully to your gut instincts.
My idea is that I can go running on grass and earth barefoot instead of running on the sidewalk with sneakers. I am going to live to be 142.
I just want to confess. I have very close guy friends. I love my boys. In fact I tell them so often. Also, I cry sometimes and its ok. Lets not let dumb people on social media define what being a man is. A man can be many things: macho, tough, stoic, emotional, sensitive and many other things. Dont let stupid people tell you how to feel. Be true to yourself and love your brothers. That is all.
I feel so lonely, deep in my bones. I expect someone, anyone to wave a magic wand and miraculously transform my entire existence. And yes I realize that sounds delusional and ridiculous, but I can't shake myself of the belief that because I try to be a good person and because I've tried so hard for so long, I deserve some kind of total life makeover. I'm exhausted and rudderless.
“I miss you, man.”
I was traveling through the city and was dropping something off at my old office. It’s been 4 years since I was an employee there. But it felt like no time had passed being inside the building. The facilities guy let me in and the first thing he said was that he missed me. Literally over the last 4 years, I’ve been raked through the coals, the pandemic turned my once-easy and predictable life into me swimming upstream for years, and I’m still swimming upstream and exhausted and burned out. Facilities guy’s words were the best thing I’ve heard in like freaking years. I felt seen and instantly centered. Like my past good life was not a dream, that I could get there eventually again someday, because it exists.
Thank you, Facilities guy.
It’s hard to explain. For more than a decade I had a home, a family with my roommates, community, I laughed on a regular basis, I had a social life. Next I’m frantically showing complete strangers photos of my old house like a grieving parent shows photos of a long lost child and trying not to tear up. It’s been years. I still haven’t recovered from losing the home I thought I would grow old in and I feel embarrassed. I still try to find ways to explain what it feels like. A divorce. Empty nest syndrome. A church disbanding. A community centre shutting down. Graduating. Your best friends moving away. It’s kind of like all those things together. But it’s not. A home means a lot to me. I wish it didn’t so it wouldn’t hurt the way this continues to. Sometimes I wonder if it’s like losing your manhood. From all outer appearances you may look fine but a key part of you is missing. Like a woman losing a womb. Missing this sacred space for nurturing, love, connection, self, belonging. And I’m supposed to just bounce back. Find somewhere else to live, meet new people, do things, find new opportunities to laugh again. This is the hard part. To hold on with open hands, not let go completely, and allow myself room to grasp onto new things. But I miss my home, how special it was and grief keeps coming back like an abscess. Moving on feels like opening myself to a heartbreak all over again. Tolerating pain, uncertainty, fear, and change seems easier with loved ones nearby. Building new relationships takes time, effort. And I feel so tired.
I had a fleury bad/good/bad/good relationships back to back all through my 20s, funnelling all of my youthful energy in to men and romantic relationships instead of in to my self. The last three years I've spent single, I was able to discover myself and learn to enjoy who I actually am. I have friends and family in my life, but I have this feeling of loneliness humming in the background. I miss intimacy, having inside jokes, cuddling, eating together, sleeping together. I miss hugging. I miss cooking for two, I miss having someone to do. I miss being in love.
I’m so relieved to still be working at the same workplace with my coworkers for now. Hopefully those trying to ruin it for us and the city we serve won’t be successful in their plan. Sometimes people are so greedy and dishonest, that they only see dollar signs and don’t think about how negatively they’ll affect future generations. Please root for us to stay. We genuinely love the work we do. Please don’t move us to the dark, depressing workplace. Good always wins.
He has these great qualities about him that he doesn't utilize. I think my school teachers used to call it "living up to your potential." I want to change or improve him but what does that say about me? You can't change or improve someone. Why does this bother me so much? That I want good things for him? Why can't I just live and let live?