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Life isn’t Fair

From a very early age, a burden was placed on me to break my family out of the poverty cycle. My whole life, the messaging I received from my parents was to get good grades, go to University and get a good job. Well, I’ve done all that but somewhere along the way I forgot to include fun, joy, dating, enjoying my youth, and adventure into my life. I’m now in my early 30s, with a good career, but one that has left me feeling burnt out. I’m single with no dating experience, and don’t know how to have fun. My mental health is awful despite therapy. I make good money (relatively) but not enough to afford a home, especially on a single income. My face and body are starting to show the effects of aging, and I can’t seem to attract a partner for the life of me. Meanwhile, the women I went to high school with, who never studied hard, got to enjoy their youth, then they married rich and started a family, and are now living a great life without having to do all that schooling and ladder climbing for a career. I’m trying to remain positive, but some days, it just gets to me. I wish I could go back in time!

Bull of the woods

13 floor elevators, vinyl, just lost it behind the stereo stand. Like, it went flying out of my hands. Now listening on yt. I'll try to find it tomorrow, I lost a Blind Lemon Jefferson cd the same way years ago, never found it.

Failing at love

Life's been good to me, easier then most. People know me as the man that has it all. I look good on paper. Sad to say no takers for longterm. I'm never alone alone, I always score mindless dating, nothing substantial to lift my spirits, Im beginning to see why..Ive messed up any good healthy possible relationship. When certain connections dont materialize the way I planned for whatever reason, I flashback and it infuriates that moment Im consumed by seething rage and bitterness to demean and mess with women I anticipate will reject me any way I can, their friendships, relationships, confidence, career, nothing is off limit until I push them away for good. I let my anger at past opportunities I was rejected get the best of me. If only I didnt let my past make me that way and told them how I felt..But what did I do? Childishly pick them apart to avoid thinking on my pitiful issues, focus my anger on them and resort to games instead of focusing on me. I want a do over , apologize and do better, .. I feel a heaviness I cant escape..I know Im one of the lucky few who didnt lose anything over the pandemic.. that can change any day and I hate to say that day is getting closer. I put on a good game but i don't like what I see in the mirror.. I look smaller and smaller. I fear what I tried to avoid is catching up to me. ..

Im an asshole

I am learning to be an asshole. I don't want to be, but it seems to be the only way to counter the constant bombardment of negativity and "advice" - finger wagging. Media is one thing, they do it to t get you to consume, but its the constant pressure to self doubt, and undermine my self esteem. I have to constantly remind myself that I am okay, i don't need to be perfect, why do so many people try to make me feel like i need to drink their newfound flavor of coolaid. From the financial advice of people that are so heavy in debt, to my ex who knows everything but cant get a job in this market to support her kids. From institution like religion, and police, who are are rotten from the inside, telling us how to behave. The friend who tells me to skip my craft beers; but I should try pharmaceuticals, pot and hallucinogens to expand my mind. My various employers for years telling me how replaceable I am, but cant find any employees to give time off, not to mention my pay is the same for the last ten years. Don't get me started on dating, jesus, its like Shania said, that "aint good enough". Yes, i pay a therapist to give me perspective that I am okay! I know this, but still go, because the barrage of finger wagging is stifling. Jesus, why do I have to be an asshole and tell people to chill the fuck out, otherwise they don't get it. What the hell do you bring to the table? I am happy to learn and grow from people that are actually doing the things they preach about, and succeeding at it. So if i cut you off in the left lane because you've been doing the speed limit, just like the car next to you for the last hour. Fuck you. I don't want to do that, thanks for the lesson. Do your thing, please, just do your thing, stop shoveling that down my throat and let me be.

Hell of a pandemic

Seeing pictures of people and so many ppl went grey over the last year. Even white in their beards. I don’t think I look old like them, but I definitely look broke and poorer over the last year.

Painful stigma.

I've lost over a decade to depression. I literally hide myself away in my parent's house. I've tried several different medications, therapy, intense cardio, being out in nature, got a dog, meditation, healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, herbal supplements. I'm so tired of trying, I'm so exhausted from fighting. And there's noone to tell because the stigma & judgment are extreme. 

Seeing random women cry

Whether it is New Years morning and everyone is sleeping, or in an ally outside of Granville strip, I occasionally see a woman cry by herself. I cannot imagine how terrible it is to break down and cry somewhere in public by one’s self. I wonder it is socially acceptable for a guy to console a random woman in the streets. My gut says yes, but I suspect there could be a lot of “get the fuck away from me” curveballs too.

I end up in psychiatric care

I am in medical leave because of my career. I work in social services. The amount of pressure, abuse, lack of support, lack of promoting mental wellness, and the broken system in this field that I end up having a mental breakdown. Unfortunately, I have to quit this field. No amount of self-care and trying to detach myself as a frontline worker couldn't avoid my fate. Yes, another one bite the dust in the helping field. :-(

Lazy Lovers

After staying home for this long, it's doubtful that I will accept "Netflix n' chill" as a date again.


Cheam mnt Thursday July 22

You where in a group of 4. I asked if you where having fun yet? I think you freind called you...


Savage Love: Tale of an unwilling cuckold smells suspiciously fictitious

What happens in the hot tub between couples at a vacation home stays in the hot tub—unless someone tells.

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