There’s a coffee shop somewhere in downtown Vancouver that’s named after my ex-girlfriend. I almost went in there to grab a coffee and snack but I didn’t. Her name alone just triggers horrible memories.
I recently realized that this person I tried (and failed) to have a normal relationship with is very likely on the spectrum. Once I started thinking about their inability to relate to a lot of what’s considered normal human emotions the puzzle pieces started to come together. They’ve never had a long term relationship with anyone except their family, so it makes sense if I think of it that way. Otherwise they just seem so cold and insensitive, so thinking of them as being undiagnosed but on the spectrum makes it easier to have some empathy for them even though they don’t have any for anyone else.
Some things are only learned from experience, and some people never learn them at all. If you’re trying to make friends when you’re older, those first few weeks are important. People will be assessing each other to see if they’re a good fit. Similar to a romantic relationship but without all the drama involved with that. So how you treat someone in those first weeks makes all the difference as to whether or not the friendship will continue. You’ll find that it gets harder and harder to make new friends when you get older, so don’t squander the opportunities that come your way, because they won’t keep coming and you’ll find yourself old and lonely. Value the people who are willing to value you.
I haven't seen that face in years. And suddenly there it is. I wasn't prepared for it. Surprise, affection, loathing, confusion, betrayal, frustration. In a few seconds, it's gone. I have to remind myself that anything filmed in Vancouver risks having to see that person, even if briefly. It's strange to face a ghost from the past even when the person they were inspired by continues to walk among us. A modern haunting story.
It took a long time but it was well worth it.
I love to swear. I like to arrange as many offensive words together like a verbal strand of pearls born from the irritating moments of my day. Alliteration is key, and being able to paint a picture. Throwing in unexpected ideas or words into the mix is fun. Unfortunately I have to keep it to myself as I’ve yet to find a group of people who feel the same way.
Some people aren’t honest about their true feelings or intentions about other people. Sometimes they don’t even know what they are themselves. So when I ask what your intention was in saying or doing something, maybe I’m not just asking for my own sake but also for yours. If you can’t be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. Once you’ve mastered that concept it’s very freeing. It’s being authentic, which for some people is a foreign concept.
I confess that I judge people for using those smelly chemicals like Febreeze, Axe body spray, heavy perfumes, fragrances for hair, room spray, scented candles, smelly cat litter, etc. What it tells me is that you are too dirty to clean yourself and your surroundings, so try to hide it by making everything smell like a road stop outhouse. It also says that you are too selfish to consider other people who may have their entire day or days ruined as a result of sharing an elevator, office, or grocery store lineup with you.
That stuff is so nasty. It triggers migraines, asthma attacks, rosacea flare ups, and is full of chemicals linked to asthma and cancer, yet people waste their money on it and douse themselves in it. I am currently writing this with a flushed, pink and painful face after sharing an elevator with one such person. They were doused in perfume and hair spray, and likely only wash their hair once per week / go to bed with false eyelashes and makeup on. Disgusting.
I confess that I judge. Okay, off to go live in a bubble.
I'm 63 never had any good friends well at least I got my best friend but she's busy being a single mom & working...on government disability bring told by others that they know what's best for me people making assumptions about even though it's obvious they don't know me or know anything about me.....I've even gone to church before where they either told me that thier god is the ONLY way to be saved or they would just go into some new aged type shit.....never had a girlfriend in fact I was married but she was mentally abusive and bipolar a cutter & controlling but of course I never had the balls to say no I guess I was too lonely....I'm sick of the mental health shit...im not even allowed to have a cat or small dog in my apartment...& no volunteering with cats of dogs is not the same as one living with you in your apartment...I'm sorry for being like this...I'm not suicidal...I'm against that...but I can't even afford an escort lol or a sex worker....& no online stuff is total bullshit...it's dangerous..im.so lonely....at work it's only young guys working there & young women (who have partners of course)....I'm so tired....I guess I'll have to buy a cheap Chromebook when I get paid from my part time job this week (I'm allowed to earn a certain amount of money being on disability)...& watch porn since that's all I got lol
I’m so frustrated. Trying to reason with an unreasonable person is futile so I gave up trying. But the outrageously clueless things they say are making it SO hard! My instinct tells me to ignore them (and so far I have) but the temptation to unleash my innermost thoughts and annihilate them is overtaking my logical self. Meditation here I come!