Years ago I spent a lot of time at this place. There were regulars and the music playing had a particular sound. There’s a way people dress when you go and everyone speaks a similar way. I’d drink what the patrons were having and talk about spirits. It felt like my whole life was there. And then I just…stopped going. Now when I am exposed to anything that has the faintest whiff of that place I get the heebie-jeebies. What I see looking in from the outside of those memories scares me and I will never go back to church.
I'm middle-aged was transitioning a few year to female but stopped as people thought I was a cross dresser even in the gay community I was thought & seen as a crossdresser not as a transwoman....so I stopped, since then I have identified as non-binary/gender nonconforming, yet still seen and referred to as "dude, buddy. sir" etc even though I try to ask to be seen as non-binary...... anyway today I went to check out the Pride Parade & left before it started....I have no friends, no connections with people in the community & when i saw people with their friends, family, girlfriends/, boyfriends/partners I felt like shit, these events are great if you have people to meet there or go with, not when you go by yourself...& no I don't happen to meet people there...it's been like this all the times I go....I don't want to go up to someone & introduce myself....that's creepy.....I don't identify as a cis male, I don't identify as a gay man....I don't know maybe I'm too alternative or something & Pride is just too mainstream....I don't know....I don't know what's wrong with me:(
I was a bird so I could fly by and shit on all the people who have crossed me.
When someone shares a traumatic experience with you, telling them that you would never tolerate that or that you don’t understand why they still love that person isn’t at all helpful. Those situations are far more complicated than most people realize. Love / hate happens all the time, and usually it happens when someone has been abused as a child. They don’t know what “normal” looks like. For example, they got sexually abused by someone they were taught to love, like a parent or grandparent. That person isn’t awful to them all the time, so they wind up feeling so confused and conflicted. They grow up and encounter other people who abuse them, but not all the time and they don’t know what normal is so it feels like love hurts, and they keep trying to do things differently so that person will treat them right, because they’re used to being blamed for their own mistreatment. So instead of immediately jumping to that conclusion and judging that person for being in that type of situation, try understanding why they’re in it in the first place. It can happen to anyone, even someone who appears to be strong on the outside.
music on the Weather Channel soothing. Sometimes I just have it on while I work and hang out.
When an organization so proud of all their plaques of all the free funding and free donations and free land , free building supplies and free money giving to them by people and businesses so proudly displaying in the entrance showing how much money they have collected on the wall when you enter the building in my life yet this free shit never trickle down to the people that need it most. I have never seen more outdated, old shitty equipment, furniture or free garbage just placed in a building in my life !
And they don't care about the people living here when you call to complain they just keep quoting spec's and code by-laws.
Where is all this Funding going ?
Right into their shitty little pockets!
It's appalling !
I'm a gay man, met another gay man, we went for drinks & as he was drinking his beer he asked me what my pronouns are, I said "well he, him obviously" then he says "my pronouns are they, them & I identify as non-binary"......after we parted, I said to myself "well this isn't going to work, time to keep looking"
Ive realized something. I don't care about sex or cumming or w/e. But I would love to have someone to kiss, cuddle, hold & talk to. That's what I want.
That's why I've been intrigued in chastity cages lately. I'd happily be locked away if it meant I had someone to talk to. to give myself fully to someone would be ideal.
Im tired of my idiot boss that wont retire. Im tired of working for less and less. Im tired of flaky ass people that cant do what they say they will do. Im tired of being lonely in city full of people. Im tired of spending time with women who dont like me but just like the attention. Im just so fucking tired. There is no where to run. No where to hide. Its all getting worse. Fuck.
But I just don't know how. If I can make a positive change for someone or something then maybe I wouldn't feel like my life is so meaningless.