Confessions

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Sigh

I was unemployed for the past 8 months or so. I never tried dating as I figured no one wants to date a jobless person considering the first question everyone here has is: what do you do for work?!?!? Now i am working, making good money and im so exhausted all the time i dont even have the energy to chat on Tinder. Lol. Oh well. Whatever.

First dates

They are everywhere right now along sea walls, and patio's and parks. They are so obvious by their clashing clothes, their awkward paired walking. I freaking love it. No FOMO, no envy, just warms my heart seeing the world and spring emerge. Even the cynic in me does not care the percentage that will make it to date 2. Spring has sprung. Nothing lasts, but watching love trickle out of isolation is helping my heart beat.

Middle Kid Syndrome

I recently found out that I am not the eldest of two children, but the middle child of three. My mother had an abortion before I was born. I’m only here because my dad wanted to have children and told my mother he would divorce her if she had another abortion. I feel like this explains my childhood and really my whole life.

Haunted

In the last couple of months my earliest memory of life has been flooding back to the forefront of my mind. The first thing I remember is my baptism when I was a baby. My parents decided to baptize me in the Greek Orthodox Church. All I remember is the priest clutching my body with his big hands. I’m cold, naked and wet just crying my eyes out, while being watched by all those people sitting in the pews. Some old friends and relatives who passed away in the last couple of years. All I wanted was to go home and be in my warm cozy crib. That’s all I wanted. Nothing more. My mom had told me years later that I had a cold. She didn’t have time to cancel the occasion at the last minute so she decided to make due with the situation. It scars me in some respects, and I’ve often wondered if perhaps talking to a psychotherapist of some sort might help me learn to cope So that I’ll never have to think or cry about my first living nightmare ever again.

WFH

My boss likes to email and message me at 7am on workdays, despite the fact that the official working hours are 9-5. Everyday he sends these requests, orders, demands for me to do something at 7am. At first I responded, thinking I’m “getting stuff done”. But then I realized I am a sucker to extend my workday like that. I don’t get paid for working 2 hours earlier, so I decided I will only log on at 9am and respond to all the queries/demands then. As if being subjugated for 8 hours isn’t humiliating enough, being dominated over before you’ve even had coffee and breakfast is worse.

Testarossa

Mammals go into heat… except for humans apparently?! I call bullshit. I am most definitely not cool right now. I am tired, I want someone to touch me and not annoy me and I want someone here - but that also feels overwhelming and scary and this is incredibly uncomfortable. Is there an off switch to this? Do I just need to drink an exorbitant amount of soy milk? Cold shower? Shudder. No thanks. Testosterone sucks. This really sucks.

Lost

So I’m in my almost mid 20’s and I’ve been through the foster care system growing up, I was 6 when I went in and a huge part of me now is trying to get answers from my parents. We don’t have the best connection and I haven’t and don’t talk to them very often. I saw them in person a year back now and my purpose was to get those difficult questions answered but I cowered away and pretty much left after the first hour with them. Those questions never got answered and I feel like it’s been slowly eating at me for the past year, I feel like I need the answers to know myself and understand. Idk tho. The answers I get I guess is what scares me most. I’m going to plan a trip again to go see them. I need answers

Unsettling Artifacts

As I rewatch Stranger Things to prepare for season 4 I noticed something. It hits differently than before. It feels scarier but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I then realized I first watched the show in 2016. Between then and now, I was in a car accident and had an experience with psychosis. Watching Winona Ryders character felt terrifying this time. To know what it feels like on the inside and witness how chaotic things appear on the outside. The desperate desire to be believed that something sinister is afoot. Yet in this story of suspended reality Occam’s razor is a blunt tool unable to scratch the surface. How comfortable I felt following the story before that experience, scoffing at disbelief and embracing the unbelievable. This time I tread more carefully, mindful of how easy it can be to slip.

schadenfreude

I must admit … for the blue wrapped building I could t afford and its occupants

they never said they were leaving....

I am a Senior's care giver. Recently my brother and his wife moved away and bought a house on the island without telling me or my 83 year old mother that they house hunting or even thinking of moving away. Now they are acting like that was a perfectly normal thing to do and they are outraged that I feel upset or that I would dare to suggest that they have done me wrong by not letting me or Mom know that they were even thinking of moving away. It's not like they were doing much to help me in my role as a care-giver, yet I still feel betrayed the fact that they literally said "We bought a house on the island and we are moving next month," And that was the first I heard of their intention to move. Last night we had a bitter fight and I am clearly the bad guy in their minds, how dare I take offence at them living their lives. Meanwhile, Mom has been in hospital three times in the last two months, for 3-5 days each time and they have yet to attend, despite being "only a phone call away" and "only 50 miles (80km) away."

I SAW YOU

Bus #14 to Blanca

We took the same bus at Georgia + Granville this afternoon. You were wearing beige pants + light...

SAVAGE LOVE

Savage Love: Interaction of oxytocin with dopamine creates intense sexual pleasure

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