It’s been 14 years since I last went to church. And I honestly don’t miss it.
I saw the crazy woman that I was inexplicably in love with recently and felt nothing. We chatted in a platonic way and went our separate ways. Now feel free! So happy!
Let me start by saying that I’m a youngish senior woman. In my younger days I had no shortage of male attention. But I am a senior now and I think that I look it. So when I get male attention now it weirds me out, especially when the male in question is a LOT younger than me. Mostly I just think they’re confused or that I’m imagining it. But yesterday I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t imagining this guy who was at least 25-30 years younger than me following me around the grocery store. To be sure I wasn’t imagining it I wandered all over the place randomly. Everywhere I went he was right there. I thought maybe he was security and thought I was stealing, but there were a couple of instances where we accidentally (or was it?) bumped into each other and there was laughing and eye contact, so I think he was actually following me. It’s been so long (about 1 1/2 years at least) since I’ve been with anyone and I’m not expecting that I ever will be again, but now I’m wondering if I look as bad as I think I do or if I’m completely crazy! I’ve always been terrible at knowing when a man is interested in me or flirting. I take everyone at face value and I’m completely clueless when it comes to flirting of any kind. But I definitely did have a lot of younger men (like 20 years younger sometimes) hitting on me when I was a lot younger than I am now, so is it even possible still? Are there really young men out there who are actually attracted to much older women? I’m seriously asking because I’m weirded out by it.
I have no chill whatsoever. It’s maddening. I wish that very little phased me, but most of it does. I mentally freeze up often and suddenly everything feels too warm. Speaking up becomes useless as my entire vocabulary decides to have a fire drill and vacate my mind. I wish I could be calm, collected. And I’m not.
I want to be where you folks are, going out and seeing friends at events and enjoying! But it’s so much more complex than that.
I have PTSD (and ADHD) and I was starting to work with this before the pandemic hit but was interrupted and had experiences throughout the pandemic that further aggravated my PTSD. I’m a mid 30s female.
When I get together with folks now I’m confused by the interactions and uncomfortable, peoples boundaries seemed to have all but disappeared completely and they go for that hug without checking I want it, or they reach onto my plate and touch my food - I then can feel my whole body tense and my brain starts to skip like a discman on a jog. I may be reactive, I may excuse myself awkwardly, go to the bathroom just to get space and breath it out, I may pretend it’s totally ok but spend an hour over thinking it at home.
It takes so much energy to engage that the thought of connecting with old friends exhausts me and I’m pretty sure I’m losing some of them.
I get told not to be afraid - I AM NOT AFRAID - I have frigging PTSD and my body aches with tension when you get near me and my mind is always running on hyperdrive and feels like it’s wearing out.
I don’t have compromised immunity, but this “pre existing condition” heavily impacted how I moved thru he pandemic and how my return to “normal”(?) will look.
At the end of my patience. If someone is acting inconsiderately in public space, like cutting people off without looking, blocking the way while on their phone, budging into a line up, I'm going to say "fuck you!"
I’ve passed a threshold in my working life that I can’t walk back on; if I think you’re mean, incompetent, manipulative, or plain stupid, I will no longer pretend I don’t notice. I’m the past, I went along with it to not rock the boat. Nowadays I just loathe to deal with the phonies, the narcissists, the dummies. I wish I had an inspiring workplace where the work was meaningful and the colleagues inspiring. Instead the world is clearly showing signs of civilization breakdown, yet my boss continues to bully staff to “like” our own content to improve metrics for head office. I should just go plant trees as my contribution to society would be tangible and net positive.
7 years ago I met him, we fell in love quickly. Talked about the future. Then he completely ghosted me. Just disappeared. Gone from social media, changed his phone number. Now 7 years later he has reappeared. Married with a pregnant wife. He says he doesn't want anything, just needs my forgiveness. I'm not sure I can do that. I don't think he can even comprehend the level of hurt he inflicted.
A stranger is cold & unfriendly because they themselves feel like complete pieces of sh**. No self esteem, no way of seeing beyond their own sad prison. Signed, that stranger.
I havnt been anywhere since before the pandemic. Im aching to travel! I actually have the money to go but I recently started a new job and realized that i dont get any time off till next year. Honestly, this is making me re-think this job. We deserve better. I work so bloody hard for less and less and I dont even get any meaningful time off. I dont know… im just tired and frustrated. I feel a darkness hanging over me and im trying my best to fight it and avoid slipping back into drugs. Its really hard right now. Sorry for this random dumb rant. This probably doesnt even make sense. At least the sun is shining…