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I just learned that my wife of 25 years slept with another man a few years ago. He's a work "friend". I busted her under identical circumstances a few years ago, we worked through it , or past it , though I honestly never truly got over it. Apparently she has a thing for fat-headed bald dudes with wet-lip. Jesus, what does that say about what I bring to the table in her mind. Now to find out that there were more, and even during our time of no secrets and brutal honesty in our road to repair she still hid this from me. I don't know what to do. I feel to bring it up would be re-hashing old news that is supposed to be in our past. She doesn't know that I know, and I feel sick to my stomach. I love her and dont' want to lose what we have. But a big part of me wants to spit this in her face and make her explain. It's childish and I know that I should suck it up, but as much as I can reason with myself, 2 minutes later it's bubbling away in my brain. I can't seem to let it go. At a base level, I know that I would have been better off just leaving her phone alone. But I barely had to dig to find this out. Now I worry about what I would find if I spent more than the 2 minute sneak peak I took. FUCK ME.

Leftover Turkey

I might not eat meat, but every year around this time I start salivating over the idea of leftover turkey.

38 and fit, 40 and fat

The difference just a few years makes. Literally just before the pandemic my life was peak. I was happy to look in the mirror, my bank account was decent and my social life was what I always wanted it to be. I look old and tired now and I have been at the gym twice as long as it has ever taken to shed some tubby and it's not going anywhere. I make more due to pandemic raises but my life seems poorer and more out of reach. Everything changes fast in your 40's.

Wasted Years

When you’re in a relationship with someone you’d do anything for but realise over time that they wouldn’t care if you fell off a bridge, don’t do what I did and wait for it to get better. It doesn’t. Just leave. I wasted so much time and was stripped of my self worth and confidence. I’m starting to get it back but it’s been a hard road. I can’t believe how much better I feel now that I don’t have the stress that relationship caused in my life. I didn’t even realise how bad it was ‘til I was away from it for long enough to see it clearly. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to listen to your intuition. I ignored it so many times, even in the very beginning. I’ll never do that again.


They are so handy. I never used to consider bringing them with me. But I find I'm always wanting them when I don't have them, especially when I'm on transit. Like if someone had their fucking music or other audio on super loud, I could just slip them on. I mean people just don't give a shit about other people, so it's less stress to alter my behavior versus someone else's and people wonder why I don't talk to other people.

It never changes

I’ve been my family’s scapegoat for my entire life. I’m almost 60 and nothing has changed. I’m the one who tells the truth. I don’t go along with all the bs lies and the codependency between my parents and some of my siblings. I was the one who showed obvious signs of trauma from the neglect and emotional and physical abuse when I was a child. I was depressed and I didn’t remain quiet, so I was labelled as the troublemaker and my siblings were encouraged to mistreat me too. It’s affected my life in so many ways, and I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD. I’m so tired and all I want to do is walk away from all of them and let them deal with their own consequences, but now that they’re old and fragile I’m pressured to step up and help them. But in spite of their constant complaining about how their lives are, every time I try to make any changes to help them, they immediately revert to lies (to doctors or social workers) and manipulation tactics. It’s exhausting and it feels completely futile to even bother trying to help because the results are exactly the same; I get blamed for causing them trouble. If I back away I’m blamed for not helping enough and not caring. So I’m resigned to being their scapegoat for the rest of my life, but I’m not resigned to ruining what’s left of mine.

A much younger woman likes to spend a lot of time with me

In the past few months, a much younger woman, much younger, has spent a lot of time with me. She initiated the contact, although I knew her many years ago, when she was an adolescent. Typically, we eat at a restaurant with friends of mine. She is a very attractive, highly educated professional who doesn't need my assets, if I had any. If I don't invite her, she invites me. But, there has been no physical intimacy. I don't want to hurt her feelings, or make a fool of myself, but I wonder if we are just friends.

Seinfeld Time

I was a huge Seinfeld fan. But I haven't watched it for a good 15 years or so since my undergrad days in the mid 2000s. What happened to all those DVD season box sets? Anyway, wow everything feels so dated now. Not just the terrible fashion, huge jackets, giant ties, bizarre colors, but there are rotary phones, phone books, answering machines, rolodexes, giant mobile phones, and the pacing is so slow and finally, almost all of Jerry's standup is gender orientated. I never noticed! I feel ancient!!!!

if you're an honest person

you will never escape your class. you might make more money and dress well now. you might have a nice home. you might have great taste. and the people around you as you move up don't reflect that, not everyone moves up. most are born and remain in the same position and if you change, you might disgrace the class you're from if you so choose to. i remember my mom stopped by my work to say hi to me, my boss didn't say hi to her even though i introduced her to my coworkers. my mom looks worn out and speaks accented english, in a graphic tee and skinny jeans and sneakers that don't match, with a wire cart for groceries. that was one of the last straws that had me leave that shop. it didn't pay much but the owners didn't have to make much, they have their families behind them. it's stuff like that that makes me lose respect instantly. i have a lot of empathy, for rage, for irresponsibility, for flakiness, for the misuse of hurtful words, for ignorance, for alcoholism, for all our flaws, but that sort of behaviour isn't problematic. it's hatred. i've experienced this a lot, my father gets a lot of looks for having one leg. my step-father for being black. i've seen that look from people many times in my life and it fills me with disgust. people look at me now and assume that i must come from some traditional family, middle class at least. if i model or if i own the places i've just been working for. i give off a distinguished impression that wasn't intentional, with a clear voice and tasteful clothes that exude confidence, spare the tee shirts (sometimes). but my family is where i come from and if you can't accept that, you will not have anything to do with me. if asked for my honest opinion, i'll speak of how you looked at my mother. because that's all anyone needs to know to understand who you really are.

A hug from the sun

I'd been a mess for years with no motivation to get up and change. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which was a relief. It gave me insight to why I am the way I am and that I'm not just lazy. I'd be sunken into my couch feeling so out of control. I hated it and so desperately wanted to get up to take care of myself but felt paralyzed. I have now been on medication for two months and am seeing improvements. I'm frustrated with my family as they don't believe me. I've already been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by two psychiatrists and they just say, "I think it's just circumstantial. Once things get better you'll feel fine!". They don't acknowledge that I nearly jumped off a bridge. I couldn't keep self regulating with alcohol and ended up in a psychward. They don't connect the impulsive behavior. I've been diagnosed with type two. When I'm hypomanic I try to hide it. I spend money irresponsibly and start pointless fights. My brother said because I don't talk fast/act hyper that I don't have it. He didn't see me at my worst after being attacked by my ex husband. I curled up on the bathroom floor literally ripping my hair out. I get annoyed at the ignorance and invalidation. I wonder if I'm surrounded by assholes or if I'm the ignorant one. I had flashbacks of my husband beating me after watching a show called 'Maid'. I was zoned out and accidentally dunked my hand in a pot of boiling water as if I were mashing potatoes with a fork. I don't know where this is going.. Sorry for ranting. Sometimes I feel like a kettle about to explode. I sound depressed but I really am getting better now and I'm grateful. I just want to say to anyone struggling with mental illness that sometimes it feels like you're in a deep cave. You finally see the opening.. you're so close then it's closed off by a boulder. The light disappears. You're left sitting in the damp, cold abyss alone hearing bats echoing off the walls wondering if you'll ever be rescued.. then one day the rocks above come crumbling down exposing the sky above. A ray of sunshine beams down like a warm blanket surrounding you. You levitate to the surface and carry on your way. Dont lose hope.


To Johnny from Kerry

It was outside Colony on Granville this Thanksgiving Sunday. I was waiting for a friend outside....

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