I saw a Nun today. I wasn’t expecting that. To be honest I thought they were going extinct. Maybe they’ve finally infiltrated my Baeder Meinhoff mental filter. I’ve been wondering about luxury lately, status fool trinkets that seemingly raise a person. Expensive lifestyles that fail to sustain. A confidence game, like raising in a poker game. I’ve been questioning myself if I consider that enjoyable. I’m not convinced it’s a game I want to play. Learning to meditate is slow going. I wonder about a place of inner peace that elicits joy.

I hate the students. Annoying!

Now you are wondering. Words become meaningless at the depth of my disbelief. I will honor my end of the bargain. If the universe said you will come a-begging and a-crawling on your knees, at least I would laugh. No. Is that clear? Because my heart can only break only so many times. Until that time comes, if ever.

If someone you love/have a huge crush on ups and dumps you for whatever reason... It may sting like a bitch now, but several years down the road, when you find yourself either with the person of your dreams and/or doing wonderful things off somewhere, you'll say to yourself: "good riddance, thank god things didn't fall through with that ex!" Trust me, it's one of the most empowering eureka moments one can have. All break ups, whether we want to believe it or not, are caused by BOTH parties. Learn to accept that you're just as flawed as the other, learn from that, and just move on. New doors always, always open, if you're eyes are open to seeing them, that is.

To get rid of my work-stress related tight shoulders, I saw my masseuse and she helped my discomfort. On my way out, I saw a very exhausted-looking, worn-down middle aged man, eyes closed, with his feet in a warm bath. He was just about to get a foot massage. He looked like he was working a physical job like warehouse or construction. I am an office worker but in a toxic work environment where I can’t sleep at night. We are 2 very different people. But we are workers. It made me realize how us working class people are put through the meat grinder at work, every day, to bring in paycheques to pay for our endless bills: food, rent, mortgage, gas, fees, etc. We rely on support services like massage and therapy just to get through the daily grind of the rat race for survival. Used and ground down to the bone, to make money for others. I have no answers but when I saw that man, I saw myself too, and felt really frustrated that this work life is not all that enjoyable and wondered what is the point of being in shitty jobs.

The news of the flood at the Burning Man event is sort of funny to read about. This reminds me of the island in Pinocchio where the young kids went to the island to have fun and party without taking any responsibility. BAM! The flood hits ... and it is chaos. I was just recently asking a Burner about what happens if a disaster occurs, as they pride themselves on having no central governing structure. lol Well, this is it.

I'm terrified of death. Too afraid to live, too afraid to die.

I don't know what my role is. I don't know how I can best contribute to society. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't know how to move forward.

So many of our personal opinions are based on what our family traditions taught us. Like we grow up doing things a certain way, or our parents did so and so and thought such and such, so that’s how things must be done. People judging others because they do things differently mostly comes down to these ingrained beliefs I think. We all do this to a certain extent, but it’s important to at least be aware of this bias we have because of it, and be open to other ways of thinking. I tried to get my former partner to understand that different doesn’t mean wrong, but he couldn’t grasp that concept. His whole family was the same way. They all think they’re better than everyone else and that their way of doing things is the “right” way, so if you don’t do what they do you have to be taught. They’re completely incapable of self awareness, every one of them. It’s as if they’re encased in a bubble of self-righteous ignorance, making reason impossible. I finally stopped trying to explain or justify how I felt or how I did things, because if I didn’t fall into line with their beliefs, obviously I had to be wrong. The patronizing attitude was insufferable. An entire family of narcissists.

Why does it take so long for some people to understand that they need to change and grow? Sometimes a person has to completely lose the one person they thought was a sure thing before they get it. My friend carried on for so long believing that he could just go back whenever he wanted to and start up like the years in between hadn’t happened. I’m watching him fall apart now because he waited too long and now that person has learned to live just fine without him and didn’t tolerate that same behaviour. It’s hard to watch but it’s a lesson he needed to learn.