I was with a person in-between their two marriages. Their marriages have been identical, reaching for dreams that aren't really what marriage are about. When I was with them, they had a toddler. It was when I saw the true beauty of who they were. You can not put on a fake disguise when you are alone with a 3 year old, when you are watching Jeopardy, because you are home with a little one who doesn't care or know that you were a bar star. Both of their marriages have been failures because they couldn't see who they were when they were alone as a parent. It was a beautiful time to know them. In their loneliness they had beautiful dreams and I am glad that I was apart of them. But time moves on. Dreams fail, and what we once were we will never be again.
With people who love you, you have no idea how lucky you are. I’ve been alone every Christmas, New Years, Birthday, etc etc for decades. It’s exhausting putting on a happy face and pretending I’m not dying inside because I’m so sad, lonely, and depressed. Please be gentle with people. You never know. I’m sure I look happy and successful on the outside. Really I’m just trying to figure out how to survive another miserably lonely holiday.
Do you ever completely forget how to pronounce words?? I was trying to tell a doctor today I had LOW appetite or a LACK of appetite or a LOSS of appetite, and instead I somehow combined it all into some crazy gibberish like 'la la la lappetite'. Silver lining, he patiently waited for me to finish my special moment and even understood what I meant!
That's it. That's the confession. Originally being fat was a strategy to keep men away. It worked. Now it's really difficult to lose the weight. And I will probably look this way forever. And that's heartbreaking.
and things aren't unfolding as they were supposed to..
The fewer people I have in my life. At the beginning, people were acting strange, promoting terrible ideas online, nitpicking my photos. 21 months later, other friends are demanding their “freedom” and think being unvaxxed is a better idea than being vaxxed. I crave human contact but throughout the pandemic I am hating listening to my friends and find we have no common ground on things. On a happiness scale out of 10, I’m like 4.5 or 5. Just barely getting through things.
Really zombie apocalyptic, I may just blow all my money on a big party and get it and then die. It’s inevitable and hiding out all the time is no way to live!!
I just changed my morning alarm to "I Got You Babe" because this shit is starting to feel like Groundhog Day.
and birthdays that I notice how few friends (0) and family (2) I have. Most of the year I don't really mind.
As an old lady, I can’t stand being called “young” lady. I know you’re trying to be nice, but I really can’t stand it.