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I'll confess I can not give her what she needs.

I've spent far too much time trying to figure out how to convince her I love her so much. Well yes I do, but that is not enough. I know this now and it sucks really bad. I do not see myself possibly loving like that again, I mean I hope I'm wrong but doubt it. I wish her all the best in this world and I have to try and find strength to be better than just loving someone, I believed that song "Love is all you need"

I confess to having a big problem

understanding accents. It's very frustrating and sometimes embarrassing as I usually have to ask people to repeat themselves a few times. It's all accents: British, Irish, Chinese, Japanese. East Indian in particular is the hardest for me to decipher. This almost feels like a learning disability because my co-workers don't seem to struggle. So bad that if I watch a British movie for example, I have to see subtitles or I'm lost.

I like the rain

Yesterday, it rained a wee bit, and I remembered why I like rain here. It washes away the pee off the downtown streets, replacing the air with that clean smell from all our plants, flowers and trees that make the city pretty. The plants get a snack and get green again, that's nice. Most of all, though, is how it makes all the beggars scramble and disappear. The streets look normal. Nobody lying around in garbage hanging around every store entrance harassing people. The streets are normal, the way it used to be. Davie Street used to be a pleasure, and somehow city hall and the VPD have ignored the conditions of the streets. They put up all these cafe spaces and built a park on a side street and the neighbourhood is like Hastings, with crazy homeless everywhere. I think the city is doing this on purpose to drive out the residents as a favor to landlords do they can raise rents as everyone flees. You sure don't see that mess in the richer neighborhoods like Yaletown, Coal Harbour or Alberni Street; they'd never allow it. But when it rains, all that mess vanishes, and it feels like a nice place again. I miss the sun, but the rain sure offers a tempting trade-off.

I against I

Over the course of my life, I've been gaslit to explosion, trolled, manipulated, lied to, coerced, you name it. I've been there, got the T-shirt. Still, I confess that the absolute worst mind games are the ones I play with myself.

Self-love

Lately I'm trying to love myself more. I've been doing things like sleeping, yoga, eating lots of vegetables, taking medication, no alchohol, and volunteering when I can find the time. It is helping. This specific combination of things is going well so far and I hope that even as my life changes I can keep finding things that work. I had such bad mood swings in the fall that it almost killed me. I've also tried to stop looking for other peoples validation to fill my lack of self-love. I think mostly though, it is the medication that has helped. I tried a bazillion things before and they didn't work. Trauma really fucked me up and I could never get my brain back to normal. The small amount of research on the long term affects of anti depressents freak me out though.

Life of a man

I was 29 years old before a woman other than my mom called me handsome.

Finally I am brave

I recently gained the courage to become more assertive and stop putting up with my unacceptable work situation. This week I will talk to someone important who will hopefully help me fix things and I will also ask out this guy who I've liked for awhile, but maybe next week hahaha. I am scared but I think I will do all of this. Wish me luck!

Nightmares About Work

When I start dreaming about things I need to do at work and wake up to a mess at home, I know that the stress is starting to get to me and either it's time to go on vacation or move on. The truth is I know exactly what's bothering me and what I need to do.

Take On Me

I feel like the male protagonist at the end of the video, thrashing back and forth against the door jamb, caught between the comic book world and the human world, just trying to reunite with my person.

I SAW YOU

Riding by

You saw a woman walking along Pender toward Commercial on Saturday night. She was walking very...

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