But it's hard to find time to date between work. I think I should quit work and date for a while... have fun .. then get back in the game when we are a bit more settled and ready to have kids.
I don't have a Ouija board, a crystal ball or a tarot deck. I can't read tea leaves or palms. But I have been trying to unsuccessfully read my past, present and future on confessions for years. It sometimes seemed to be a hidden reservoir of truth... and it might be, but I think that truth is that I could use a therapist.
I didn't know he planned everything ten years ago. I didn't know he bought a house and was mapping out a family. Then I showed up and he took to me like a duck to water. From the way he went for me, I just assumed everything was up in the air. What did I awaken in him to challenge all of that so easily? How much denial did he repress to put that large an obstacle up, and how shaky was all those things that he'd still try to come back for me as soon as last year? The poor guy. I guess that's the price for lack of self awareness but what a price to pay.
I don't know how I feel knowing all of this. I just learned the details today.
should I get up and do something or take another pill and go back to sleep. I haven't been up for 3 days. It's too cold for a bike ride but the sun is shining...
I was on long term disability for two years and have just about finished a series of transition programs(former army); about 4 years of not working. I have started to apply for jobs and stated exactly what I have done these last few years as I have no other way to explain such a long gap on my resume. I am scared that no one will want to hire me. Thoughts of being repeatedly rejected keep coming up and they hurt like hell.
Just skip this one if suicide is not your cup of tea to read about.
Woke up 2am last night and just started breaking down as thoughts of a hopeless situation flooded in my mind. Never thought I'd meet my real life dream girl but there's no doubt I have. My dream to love a woman has never come true and I'm clearly not good enough again. I'm 45 and I'm tired of being me...of being alone...it's all so pointless. There's not a woman out there looking to date a middle aged addict with fucking zero relationship experience. That's a double whammy of female repellent. No girlfriends ever??? I'm either a serial womanizer or a complete loser, take your pick.
Today I kept saying "I just wanna go home." as the tears flowed now and again. Everything I did was muted and unenjoyable. My usually excellent Saturday gym visit was just awful, not even seeing her there broke through my gloom. Cancelled lunch with a good friend...just wanted to be alone. Drove around crying here and there, imagining a quick jerk of the wheel to end it all at 100 kmh on a back road.
If I was capable of this shit my ashes would have been spread back in 2001. Just can't do it to myself and leave my immediate family with that kind of pain. 19 years I've been wishing for the end while hiding it deep down like a good aquarius. But the volume of bad thoughts I'm now experiencing is fuckin high and it's scaring me. I'm so ready to go. I just want to be at peace.
If I awake in 7 hours as usual we'll see how it goes for another day. It's just...you know...I think I'm slipping away.
Hope you good people out there with love in your lives can just take a moment right now and be extra thankful for that one person on this earth that means the world to you. If they're beside you right now just let them know again how important they are. If just one of you do this now you've made my existence worthwhile tonight. Love to you all. Don't let it slip away.
I have to admit, I see so much crap on the internet that I’d love to reply to. From people saying and commenting stupid stuff on YouTube, to influencer fails on Instagram, to ludicrous asking prices on rentals or furniture for sale on Craigslist and much much more. I’m so tempted to create a troll account to bust these people's chops (for the greater good) but then I start to think that it would only bring a whole bunch of negative energy into my life and I’d end up spending hours a day replying to brainless idiots. I might as well take that energy and put it into something that inspires me and create a healthier life for myself.
I feel sorry for people who went through shit that makes them so closed off. My heart hurts for them. Hopefully they find an equal someday. How sad.
I feel like leaving the human world but keep on living in another animal form like a cougar, Orca, harpy eagle or octopus. Distilled existence to a matter of survival. Maybe I would have a shorter life but I would be free of the human constructs of money, class, degrees, 24 hour news cycle, misogyny, and so it goes on. I see myself as a matriarch elder elephant leading the group to water or matriarch Orca leading the hunt. Maybe another lifetime.
I am completely ignored throughout the year. But when it’s their birthday week, they seek me out. Suddenly there’s a request for them to follow me. Pandemic or no pandemic, this is a connection clearly needing “likes” and another “happy birthday” message even though they don’t give a rats ass about me. Fortunately I never run into them so they will forget that they needed me this one week of the year. I’m only mirroring what they give: nothing.