Just skip this one if suicide is not your cup of tea to read about.
Woke up 2am last night and just started breaking down as thoughts of a hopeless situation flooded in my mind. Never thought I'd meet my real life dream girl but there's no doubt I have. My dream to love a woman has never come true and I'm clearly not good enough again. I'm 45 and I'm tired of being me...of being alone...it's all so pointless. There's not a woman out there looking to date a middle aged addict with fucking zero relationship experience. That's a double whammy of female repellent. No girlfriends ever??? I'm either a serial womanizer or a complete loser, take your pick.
Today I kept saying "I just wanna go home." as the tears flowed now and again. Everything I did was muted and unenjoyable. My usually excellent Saturday gym visit was just awful, not even seeing her there broke through my gloom. Cancelled lunch with a good friend...just wanted to be alone. Drove around crying here and there, imagining a quick jerk of the wheel to end it all at 100 kmh on a back road.
If I was capable of this shit my ashes would have been spread back in 2001. Just can't do it to myself and leave my immediate family with that kind of pain. 19 years I've been wishing for the end while hiding it deep down like a good aquarius. But the volume of bad thoughts I'm now experiencing is fuckin high and it's scaring me. I'm so ready to go. I just want to be at peace.
If I awake in 7 hours as usual we'll see how it goes for another day. It's just...you know...I think I'm slipping away.
Hope you good people out there with love in your lives can just take a moment right now and be extra thankful for that one person on this earth that means the world to you. If they're beside you right now just let them know again how important they are. If just one of you do this now you've made my existence worthwhile tonight. Love to you all. Don't let it slip away.
I have to admit, I see so much crap on the internet that I’d love to reply to. From people saying and commenting stupid stuff on YouTube, to influencer fails on Instagram, to ludicrous asking prices on rentals or furniture for sale on Craigslist and much much more. I’m so tempted to create a troll account to bust these people's chops (for the greater good) but then I start to think that it would only bring a whole bunch of negative energy into my life and I’d end up spending hours a day replying to brainless idiots. I might as well take that energy and put it into something that inspires me and create a healthier life for myself.
I feel sorry for people who went through shit that makes them so closed off. My heart hurts for them. Hopefully they find an equal someday. How sad.
I feel like leaving the human world but keep on living in another animal form like a cougar, Orca, harpy eagle or octopus. Distilled existence to a matter of survival. Maybe I would have a shorter life but I would be free of the human constructs of money, class, degrees, 24 hour news cycle, misogyny, and so it goes on. I see myself as a matriarch elder elephant leading the group to water or matriarch Orca leading the hunt. Maybe another lifetime.
I am completely ignored throughout the year. But when it’s their birthday week, they seek me out. Suddenly there’s a request for them to follow me. Pandemic or no pandemic, this is a connection clearly needing “likes” and another “happy birthday” message even though they don’t give a rats ass about me. Fortunately I never run into them so they will forget that they needed me this one week of the year. I’m only mirroring what they give: nothing.
I work in an industry that uses stat holidays for extra work days and pressures me into working. I need the time more than the money.
It's not worth time and a half to me to work on a holiday.
I'm already getting paid for a day. Why would I want to work a full day for a half day's extra pay?
I don’t know any better, but I’m trying to learn. That means I’m fallible, prone to human error. I’m not going to get everything right. So don’t judge me so harshly. I’m not as perfect as you.
My confession is I just realized not all businesses are the same and I am not sorry some of them are going under. Bars for example. These are places where you consume alcohol which is a poison that makes people do stupid things. No one ever got drunk and invented a labour-saving device or something useful. Alcohol makes risky things like fucking strangers seem fun. It's starting to seem weird that we ever thought bars were OK.
I know I shouldn't travel... I know there's no excuse... But I live alone and don't work... I have the ability to quarantine there and when I get back... I don't see anybody here... I've fallen in love and can't imagine holding out any longer... I can't tell any of my friends or family for shame... Not of him, but of the fact I plan on leaving the country...
I had to check the calendar to see when we broke up. It hasn't even been a year and my ex said they're marrying someone from the States they met online. Not sure how that works.