Search confessions

Palm Trees and Pools

"Calling energetic women, nb, gnc + trans folk to the front to join our board." It's great that Canadian organizations are supporting so many different groups. I fully wish for equal rights for everyone as well. But I think y'all have equality confused. Year after year, seeing opportunities GIVEN to everyone but me because I'm from the historically privileged race, sex, sexuality - I have had to adapt my dreams. But as The Rock says of his football career "It's the best thing that never happened to me."

Co workers

I must confess no matter how many years I work in my current environment I cannot get used to the fact that a certain portion of the staff are not well educated enough to actually qualify for the jobs they are being paid to do. Many of them have been hired in the past by having friends or neighbors or spouses or whoever in this large organization (non profit, services sector). We have scholarships and mentors aplenty but these sneaky illicit money grubbers refuse to give in, sneering at the hard won academic credentials and work done by others if they do not like their style or opinion. preferring to bitch about their lack of opportunity, rather than do the work necessary to do the certificates or diplomas or degrees whatever. So these are also the people who are most vocal and active at work in manipulation of positions, also they are whiners and complainers for whom nothing is ever good enough, or to their taste. They just are there for the money. There are even a few who think they are reincarnated from the past and they milk that for all its worth with the supernatural freaks. Charmers one and all. There are also those who often have neurotic issues but kiss ass really really well. (sigh) oh well another day another dollar, another week closer to retirement (pointing to the calendar).

I am unable to read or connect with people

I'm pretty sure I'm borderline on-spectrum. I can barely start and can't maintain a relationship to save my life because I have no idea what anyone's intentions and reactions are, and can't express myself in a clear manner. Does someone have genuine interest in me? Romantically? For Friendship? To use me and feed their own ego? Fucked if I know. So I either sit and wait and pray for some clear sign, hoping that they'll make some first move (surprise! women HATE to make the first move and most refuse to do so!) and things just die, or I try to make an effort that apparently just becomes too much because I can't read how they react and I'm never told what they REALLY want. I'm too accommodating. Too forward. Too sweet. Too intense. Not intense enough. Too open. Too closed. Too amazing. Too everything and not enough everything all at the same time. I know I don't deserve happiness because any time I think I might be I'll just ruin it anyways. Self cock block. This is my confession: I'm done. bye.

Library Book

I've had a book in mind for some time. To be honest I was attracted by the cover illustration and I can only guess as to what's inside. But I think despite it's slim size it would be the kind of intellectual book you don't race through in a single read, but enjoy slowly over time. Unfortunately I must not be the only person interested because it's continually checked out and the cover (from the glimpses I've caught in the recall section) is starting to look a bit rough. I'm worried now that if I am able to borrow it one day, I might not be able to focus on the story because I'll be too distracted by all the dirty fingers that leafed through it already...

Civil Forfeiture is the Superior Justice System

I love civil forfeiture. Take everything away from everyone who can't prove how they got the money to buy it. Most of the people going to prison aren't going to gain anything from it. Just impoverish them in a public ritual and start doing the same to the white collar criminals. Fire the judges and use their salaries for more CRA investigators. I think we know who the real criminals in society are.

Mansplain much?

My job requires me to work face-to-face with the public for about half of my time. I was processing some paperwork for a man who came to the front desk. The paperwork in question was a quasi-legal document that required both of our signatures. He noticed my signature (printed in block letters then signed) on the paperwork and told me that my "handwriting was worse than his". (It really wasn't but, okay, whatever.) Then, while the man was scanning the paperwork to confirm that his information was correct before he signed, he asked me about my last name. It's an unusual last name, much more common on the east coast than here in the west, but easy enough to pronounce phonetically. I pronounced it for him and agreed that it was a little unusual. "Are you sure that's how you pronounce it?" he asked suspiciously. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused. Maybe he was thinking it was French or something? "Well, isn't it actually pronounced THIS way?" I looked at him for a second but couldn't tell if he was making a stupid joke or just enjoyed being a jackass. "Ummmmm, no. Pretty sure I got it right. If your information is correct, please print and sign your name here (pointing)". It's like this all the time with the people who come to the front desk for customer service (when they aren't screaming at us because we can't give them an item/service that we don't actually provide) and it is exhausting. I used to have a sense of humour about these things but I've been worn down by too many toxic interactions. I had applied to go back to school to study social work. Now I'm not so sure I want to deal with the public at all.

another new format change

yet again some regularly-accessed website has changed format to "welcome to our new website", so now a single-click on a Favourite or a Bookmark just goes to a big-print, all-over-the-place formatted home page with tons of huge images or videos or whatever, and search functions that are way different and take forever. UGH! Stop changing things!! Specifically, this time it's with an old favourite realty website, which now is just as annoying as the others, and looks identical, too. Fine... I will just obtain my info by other means. So tired of this tech world always catering to the mobile device-using populace, and forgetting that some people still like a regular computer, with a screen and regular keyboard as peripherals. I'm too busy running my business to waste my time updating programs, figuring out new websites, configuring new devices, etc. etc. This world nowadays just isn't meant for me. No wonder I'm scared to death of Craigslist, Twitter, etc.

Love is....

Back in the seventies I was fifteen years old, with fake picture id that got me into the bars in Alberta (18) and me and my girlfriends used to like to hang out there to meet people and listen to the live bands, no cover. We thought we were cool but actually we were pretty innocent and not into one night stands but one night I broke my own rule and went home with someone. I usually knew enough to just go home but something about him was different. He sat down at our table around 11 pm or midnight with a direct gaze at me and he looked short, a bit like a leprechaun with a beard, and he smelled of patch. Those days for me were wild and free, I was rebelling against my parents and society after having been the "good girl" for so long and I went ahead and took a taxi home with him instead of my friend and we had sex. Following that he almost had a fit when he found out my age (I was actually fourteen) but he had me come over a few more times after that calling me at home with my mom and then paying for a taxi or coming to pick me up. For my part I felt such a crush and overwhelming attraction to him I could not think straight so I just did what my hormones wanted me to and we carried on for about a year or two, things got complicated and we lost touch. My confession is that I still miss him and that no one that I met since really gave me anything close to that feeling I got with him and he was close enough to my age to be forgiven that indiscretion, I am kind of glad because it was before anything really terrible happened to me. I hope he has had a really good life. With a last name so distinctive I never forgot it, I looked up his name on social media and never found it so at least he is probably not dead.

Heart cracking open

People I didn’t even know rallied, became my friends and cracked my heart open. It was pretty frozen and traumatized for a number of years and it’s nice to feel like I’m accepted and loved.

Give Love

I have three amazing kids and they're my life. I have been divorced for the past 2 years and am having so much trouble getting out there. Once single guys hear I have kids they lose all interest. My kids already have a dad so I don't understand why guys are like this. I am not telling them to take my kids to the park or a hockey game. I am a great mom, an amazing cook, and easy on the eyes. Men should be begging to date me. Single moms deserve love just like everyone else.


#3, Main + 6th, Thursday, Raybans + Compost

you: black jeans/jacket (i think), shortish dark hair - salty at the base, 5'8/9" (?),...

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