Because it’s so hot outside, I decided to just go commando inside my track pants. I don’t care. It feels comfortable. And besides! I won’t have to wash my underwear these days. Sometimes you just need to do and wear what works best for you. You do you.
These past few weeks have been very overwhelming. After having some very stressful phone calls I feel it’s time for me to decompress. I think I’m gonna go through one whole entire day without answering my phone. I need to decompress and take care of my mental health.
My dad is in the early stages of prostate cancer. He’s going for an MRI this week. He’s been monitoring himself and he’s been doing a good job, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I’m still worried that I’m going to lose my father and it just hasn’t sat well with me. I don’t want anything to happen to him. He hasn’t even told any of his brothers and sisters. My dad has a very complicated relationship with his family because they were never really that close. They’ve always been distant from each other. He doesn’t want to alarm any of them but I guess they’ll have to find out sometime. I don’t say much but I’ve been crying a lot lately and can’t stop. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my father.
It's just a waking nightmare knowing that I cannot find a place to live that I can own one day. No retirement for me... realistically, living in a van when I am old and cannot work. Fuck these political hacks! They are scum.
I got drunk and had mind blowing sex with my friend. Then I got sober and tried it again and realized how much I liked him and got all shaky and weird and had terrible sex. I couldn’t even look at him. It was awful and I think he was confused. The problem is I don’t think I can perform the way I did when I was drunk, when I’m sober. The worst part is, I can’t orgasm when I’m drunk but when I orgasm sober I look like I have Parkinson’s. It has everything to do with being insecure and being unsure if this dude actually likes me. It’s the worst thing ever.
But I secretly fell in love with my best friend. Now it's gone from being delightful and supportive to awkward and painful.
When this pandemic forced mass shutdowns, people had a lot of time to reflect. I hoped people could figure out themselves and the things that truly matter, like our relationships with others and the value of our fellow human beings. But seeing how people are acting now, I have lost all hope for humanity overall.
Most people have reverted to the same behaviors as if nothing happened if not worse. They learned nothing, not about themselves, not about the value of others, nothing.
Not a damn thing.
After a huge time out, most people just paused their minds. I dread things returning to normal. Being a selfish douche seems to be the new norm.
What will it take?
I could have so much fun! Instead I was honest with women about my relationship status. What did I win for that? Nothing! At least not the perks I would have received had I lied.
In the last two weeks I have noticed all of my friends have slowly stopped talking to me or are sending limited responses.
I know it's because I have become so negative. All I do is bitch and complain about the horrible crap going in my world at the moment. I have moments of feeling selfish like why can't they be there for me and empathize, give feedback etc.. I realize however that they have their own crap going in in their lives and I am bringing them down. I don't want to push everyone away but it seems that's what I'm doing. The further I push them away the more desperate I become.
I hate the unknown. I hate wondering if this is how life will be until the day I die and resenting motherhood. I have a toddler and I'd like to make it very clear that I love her with all my heart and I would NEVER resent her. It is the draining act of being a single parent that feels like a huge weight and is absolutely exhausting. The more I resent parenthood the more guilty I feel and it just perpetuates the negativity.
I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. I hope it helps. I don't know how to get my friendships back to normal. It feels as though they are so sick of hearing my BS that they're uninterested all together.
Sorry for the rant.. I really feel alone.
Maybe tomorrow will be better
I had a breakfast dinner tonight with Costco's Bacon hash browns and a few eggs. I decided there isn't enough bacon in the hash browns so I cooked a pack of bacon in the oven for the first time ever. I was truly amazed with how the bacon came out that I will be ditching the frying and instilling this new method moving forward.