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Big Bitch Energy

I like calling out. As I get older, I find I have less tolerance for people's bullshit and say what is on my mind. Without communication there's little chance of change.

Crazy making

Telling someone you’re sorry they feel that way or you’re sorry they’re in pain isn’t an apology. If someone has told you in explicit detail what it was that you did that caused them to not want to be with you, ignoring all of that and refusing to acknowledge or accept any accountability is classic sociopathic behaviour. So if this happens to you with more than one person, and you still don’t get it, I think you’re the problem.

One Way Street

I sometimes comment on confessions but have never had one of my own posted. I expect negative feedback, but I am really interested in a reality check. I am going to keep everything gender-neutral because the dynamic is what matters, not the individuals. Am I being too sensitive or am I seeing a problem? Here goes: I have a very very close friend who is very insecure and needs a lot of affirmation and support. I give those things freely. All I ask in return is good company and conversation. This friend is also a very kind and emotionally open person so I enjoy the friendship. I include the friend in my own social activities and have nurtured connections between this friend and the rest of my (less close) friends. I take a “more the merrier” approach to socializing. Here's what bugs me: My friend and I share a passion for a certain hobby. The friend has built a huge network around this hobby and I've asked if I could join in and meet some of the people in the network. EVERY SINGLE TIME they get together, I am put off, lied to, left out, or “forgotten” to be invited. I always let it roll off my back and say something like, “Oh, darn, I wish I'd known. That sounds like it would have been fun.” This friend constantly keeps me sequestered from the rest of these people. I feel insulted and used. We have been “besties” for 15 years, hanging out together – always alone – at least twice a week. The friend truly thinks that I don't see what is going on. I suspect the friend thinks that I will somehow become more important to the hobby group, although I would never let that happen. Is it time to take the hint and ditch the relationship? What am I doing to deserve this exclusion? I can't bring it up because the friend's insecure self will just deny it.

Behind

All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I always feel like the 3rd wheel and have found that they are planning couples outings without me or playdates for their kids. I am 37 years old and I really want to have children and marry a good man. I don't know why I can't seem to meet a guy who doesn't just want a one night stand. I feel like I have been left behind.

Annoyed

My toilet seat was loose in my apartment and it took like a week for my Landlord to tighten it and now one of my electrical outlets stopped working and its going to take him a week to fix this. He said he has to buy a new electrical outlet to replace it. I have called the RTB and they tell me its not an emergency repair and repairs within one week are reasonable. I hate living here but the rents only $1000 for a 1 bedroom basement suite so I am supposed to be grateful. He also doesn't allow me to have pets. He has like 15 properties and I have to text him repeatedly to fix things and the RTB just tells me to write a letter but if I do that he's going to find some way to evict me. I can't leave because the rent is higher everywhere else and I don't want to stay. I feel like a prisoner with a life sentence.

Oops

…I did it again. I’ve come to realize that there are times when I lack impulse control. I know this is something I really need to work on. A certain person is my biggest weakness and my biggest trigger that challenges my ability to control my emotions. I know what to do so the struggle is doing it! (Or not doing it) .

Man singing softly

I was taking the bus home from downtown today when I heard a voice start singing softly the lyrics from a song I vaguely knew. He sounded older, his accent neither European nor Asian nor Latin American...one I could not place. I resisted the urge to turn around to take a look at the singer, worrying it would be impolite or intimidating to stare. I continued to cradle two bags full of groceries on my lap and kept my gaze fixed the world beyond the window. Then as the man's voice continued, the words and lilting tune fell into place in my mind: he was singing a song by the Arctic Monkeys, "Don't Wanna Know". "Crawling back to you...I'm sorry to interrupt / It's just I'm constantly on the cuff ... I don't know if you feel the safe as I do..." I started singing the melody softly, remembering a moment, years ago when I was attending university, seeing many people's laptops with an Arctic Monkeys sticker on the cover at the library. As the bus pulled past Main St-Science World Station, the singer's voice fell silent, and the stop thereafter was where he stepped off. I'm listening to the song right now as I type this, the drum beat and bass guitar riffs fixing me in time, in this moment. I did manage to catch a glimpse of his face before he exited the bus; he was Indigenous, and was wearing pink-coloured headphones over his ears, and he thanked the bus driver. Thank you for bringing this song out of the depths of my memory, for showing your humanness amongst strangers, that helped rescue my bus ride from a grey one of journeying through the city through slush and cold, to one of remembering beauty.

When it comes to politics

My political views have changed drastically the past two years. At this point I’m done with politics altogether and just enjoy being an independent thinker. At most my views are pretty left while having a few right-leaning views here and there. That being said, all politics do is just bring out the worst in everyone and divide this already very divided province further. It’s not worth the stress I need in my life or the blood pressure levels I need jacking up. Frankly I’m not looking forward to this year’s provincial election with the possibility that it’s just going to be another Eby vs. Falcon election. That’s the thing with politics. People are set in their ways and don’t change their minds if things are presented right in front of them. From my experience, it’s best to just let people learn things themselves. The only thing I honestly look forward to is opening a bottle of white wine to help me get through the annoyance known as Provincial Election Day. We’ll see what happens when the day comes. But otherwise, I look forward to it just coming and going and see where our province goes from there.

Not everything is as it seems

This place can be confusing. Lots of people saying things that sound like my situation but not quite. So it’s hard when you are someone who’s been badly hurt so many times that you tend to think everything is about you. I know it’s not but still, there’s always that lingering worry. People who have been so badly hurt are like a wounded animal afraid to trust because we’ve trusted the wrong people in the past. People who pretended to be trustworthy but weren’t. The ones who were supposed to love us the most were the ones who hurt us the most. So remember, everything is not as it seems and there’s a lot of hurting people.

Choosing between two friends I love

I told a friend I plan to host a big 40th birthday party and that I am trying to rally together many old friends. He said he doesn't want one of my other best friends to be there. He has had a grudge against the other friend since HIGH SCHOOL, over something that he still takes quite seriously to this day and I respect that. What happened you ask? One of my friends effectively tried to steal a sweetheart girlfriend from my other friend (the guy holding the grudge). I don't think at the time it was meant to be malicious or hurtful, but it was greasy and unethical (as teenagers do...). Unfortunately she died due to a lactose reaction, she was maybe 19-20 when this happened shortly after high school. It was tragic, she was an amazing person. So I guess he still holds intense feelings about this other guy, which makes sense given that she passed away not long after this. I can understand how in this context he doesn't want to be around the other guy. Question is, how do I choose who to invite? Do I invite both and hope one can make it? I feel that the right/ethical choice here is to invite the guy who holds the grudge. He is well liked and a very awesome person. He deserves to be there. Perhaps my other friend who I love dearly unfortunately gets cut from an invite because he so emotionally damaged and angered my other friend... 20 years ago. But if he finds out I didnt invite him to big awesome party he may be deeply hurt. I have very diverse friends spread out all over the world. I am blessed but also feel very fragmented as we can't form a community or see each other regularly due to our decentralized locations. I hate this dynamic sometimes of having to compartmentalize certain friends. Shield them from seeing or hearing about each other.

I SAW YOU

summer co-workers

We worked with children at Grandview Park in Vancouver in the summer of '89. I worked with...

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