I've just completed my census. I don't remember it taking 5 minutes? I didn't do the last one either and that wasn't my choice so it's been awhile since I've done one of these.
I am a man. Over the years, there have been times when I thought that some men wanted to be with me. I remember deciding that if they did, I would try to do what they wanted. To do oral sex for them. To let them sodomize me. But, it never happened. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt disappointed. I wanted to know what it would have been like, to swallow their come. To feel them move and ejaculate inside me. And now, I will never know.
Is there's no longer bulk foods at Superstore. Not sure about other stores though.
There's many things I have wanted to try, but never did due to the hundreds of times I've seen little kids with their snotty/pissy hands pawing through the candies, buns, nuts etc.
I pour beer into large coffee mugs so my neighbours can't tell that I'm drinking on the porch every morning.
When I hear modern songs that consist solely of a computer and one voice, I don't even hear music.
I got fired from my job six years ago and feel like it wasn’t until a year ago that I put it completely behind me. I was a manager in healthcare for over 20 years and was lucky to have a pension so am okay financially. If you’ve heard someone say getting fired turned out to be a good thing I don’t agree with it. Listening to a podcast I learned that people who get fired have taken a chance either consciously or unconsciously so put themselves in that vulnerable position and that was me. I was foolish enough to make a request to report to someone else as my boss didn’t have anything to offer me. When I would tell colleagues who I was reporting to they would laugh, it was a frustrating situation. I was spoilt as previously I had the same boss for many years and he was above average in competence and I learned a lot from him. A Human Resources consultant advised me that making a request to report to someone else should be fine but she did warn me that she had gotten fired when working for a large company because her and colleagues were working 10 to 20 hours over their paid work week and she was the one who complained about it. In retrospect I should have applied for a job elsewhere it would have been nice to end my career on a positive note. A lot of coworkers I really liked were hurt by my firing and I wouldn’t have done that to them intentionally. Once I was gone they immediately made changes so nobody was reporting to the person I didn’t want to report to. My ego was too big. They say we often have a higher opinion of ourselves than others do, that was me. Hard lesson learned.
Since covid, none of the friends I thought of as family have kept in touch. I am alone with no real family here. I looked at those friends as my surrogate family. What's really killing me about this, is I'm surrounded by 'friends'who are sucking the life out of me. Losing all the connections that gave me joy and having them replaced by people who leave me drained is a type of lonely I never thought possible .
I confess that I’m finding it harder and harder to keep my patience with a friend who is completely unwilling to grow up. The guy is in his 60’s. He expects everyone else to accommodate his eccentricities (about almost everything) but he accommodates virtually nothing. He acts like a giant child. It’s exhausting dealing with his constant weirdness. He has some great qualities, but I’m finding that the older he gets, the more set in his weirdness he gets too. Just basic everyday things that are normal for the majority of the population, he either refuses to do or learn. He’s gotten by for his whole life using his charm and charisma and getting other people to cater to him. But the charm has worn far too thin and now he’s a senior with almost no friends. Part of me feels sorry for him, but the other part just feels irritated with the tedium of dealing with all of the things he either can not or will not do. I’m just finding more and more reasons to avoid spending time with him.
The thing I miss most from the last year is night time. Not artificial or pandemic nighttime but natural nighttime. Walking down any of the venue avenues and feeling the buzz from whatever crowd is buzzing around. whether it's an operatic crowd, a metal crowd, a comedy crowd, a birthday crowd, a happy crowd, a drunk crowd... and walking past and listening as it gets fainter and fainter and then as it disappears, the slow low bass of the next crowd. night time. I miss the organic noises of the city at night. sometime they'll be back.
Every day I feel worse and worse for some drifting acquaintances. Their mental health has really deteriorated since Covid and they've taken to occupying their time by making wildly false accusations about a number of shared acquaintances that couldn't be further from reality. It's gotten them in quite a lot of trouble but they don't seem able to stop. I've tried to be there for them many times, to my sometimes own demise, but it only aggravated their condition. Every time since I've reached out or seen them, I couldn't make sense of what they were saying and they had a crazed look in their eyes. Now sadly I've decided staying away is the best and safest decision since I'm not sure when they will react with actual violence. From what I've read their fabricated projections coupled with their lack of remorse will take a turn for the worse. Knowing that their condition is shared amongst their close group gives them the confidence and enables them to not seek proper help. I know it's for the best to stay away but I hope daily that they find the help they need. It's out there. It's giving me a heavy feeling of guilt, but for my own mental health, I can't keep being swept up in their delusions and worried all the time.