Insomniac now because > I don’t want to go to bed because > I don’t want to wake up because > I loathe to be at my workplace where I’ve been physically threatened by the owner and also threatened that I could lose my job if I keep pressing for X. It’s impossible for me to relax with such an adrenaline dump at work. I drink heavily to try and get sleepy tired. I hate how I must be humiliated to get a paycheque. The working life sucks.
Playing games with love. Specifically, self-love. Self-esteem. Confidence. Encouragement. Sometimes you don't get any of that growing up. Not even a scrap. Sometimes a person has to figure out how to give that to themselves. And I haven't.
It's been a long time. I wish it hadn't been this long, but time flies. I miss you, Stephen Harper. I didn't know what I had until it was too late. I had to learn the tough way what it means to virtue signal and put the economy completely last for my moral positions.
There are so many things that I should be doing, I should be accomplishing, ways I can be helping, ways I can be of service to others, ways I can demonstrate kindness and helpfulness. And I get overwhelmed. So I procrastinate. And the procrastination makes me feel even more overwhelmed. So I procrastinate. And time marches on.
Things have been stressful lately. So much that situations begin to feel less…real. Like I’m in some big test I’m meant to process, learn, and grow from. Where at any moment, dear friends will jump out and say Surprise! it’s all a practical joke, no need to get worked up. Oh I wish. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass this time.
So…a few weeks ago this childhood friend who I hadn’t seen in many decades searched me out on fb and sent me a friend request. I was really pleased to reconnect with them. We exchanged a few messages, but they live several hours away so it was really just the occasional message and not hanging out in person, but I was happy thinking that I’d made a new / old friend after all these years. But I’m a busy person with lots going on in my life and I don’t spend a lot of time texting or talking on the phone. All of my friends are the same; we’ve got stuff happening and families and whatnot, and sometimes my friends and I don’t talk for ages but we’re still friends. So out of the blue today I got this message from them angrily telling me they’re done with me because I’m too busy, then they blocked me! Wtf! As if we were in some kind of high school relationship or something. I always replied to their messages quickly and in a friendly way, so this was just so random. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before and I’m still shaking my head and giggling.
I’m so conflicted. I have a family member who is a drug addict and who has hit rock bottom. They’ve used up every single friend they had. They can’t tell the truth because they lie so much that they don’t even know what truth is anymore. We can’t believe anything they say because it’s complete lies. This has been going on for many decades, and I’ve been saying this to my family for all this time, to no avail. In fact I’ve been accused of being hard hearted and mean because I’ve been advocating for tough love with them to stop enabling their addiction, but no one listened. Now things have reached a crisis and I’ve just learned that they have been shit-talking me to everyone who would listen, in spite of all the times I helped them out and how they tell me they love me when we talk. I knew about some of the lies they told about me in the past, but somehow hearing about how they’re talking about me now has made me feel really bad. I feel like just shutting them out of my life completely, for good. I know addicts aren’t really in control of their faculties, but still, I’m just really done and I don’t want anything more to do with them at all. I’m They’ve spent their whole life blaming everyone else for their problems while never doing a thing to help themselves. All they do is leech off of anyone who will let them. It’s disgusting and pathetic. But still, I’m conflicted because I do love them. Maybe I can forgive all the lies, but I think I still have to cut them out of my life.
Not long ago, I had an epiphany that my grandparents', parents', and partially my generation (in the 90s) all lived just hunky dorey without the internet, and actually did real stuff with their/our lives, and not to show off either. Upon remembering this, I immediately deleted all my social media accounts, as well as signed up for calligraphy lessons, took up playing an insturment native to my country of birth, and began reading books galore, in between work that is. And no, I'm far from rich. My mind has finally returned to some sense of normalcy. No longer am I depressed. Nor am I glued to watching clips of utterly shallow people, negative news, vicious comments, and likes. Nor am I trying to label myself and pretend that everyone gives a damn. When I step outside, I actually hear birds, watch sunsets, let myself get soaked by rain, and say hi to random people who appear lonely... I'm not denying that the Internet has connected us and made some aspects of life a wee bit easier, but it's also like this thick green fog blinding and silently killing us. What's worse is that until you step out of the loop, you have no idea you're in the fog. It reminds me of that alien in a tank from Dune who is addicted to "the spice." He/it once started off as human, too. We need to hit re-boot.
So the upcoming Guns and/or Roses concert... I just checked it's at BC Place (max capacity 54,000) and there are THOUSANDS of unsold tickets, at a minimum of $100 each. LOL! Honestly this kicks up a feeling of schadenfreude for me... to see another greedy band charging $100+ to see a washed up lead singer who has reportedly lost his voice to the ravages of age. GNR's music is also so outplayed and boring... how many times have you heard Welcome To The Jungle at a sports game or in a movie? Every time a GNR song comes on during a movie I cringe. This makes me happy to see them having this tour potentially blow up in their face. The balls it takes to try to play BC place and charge $100+... in this era of Ticketmaster's rapacious practices, it brings me great joy to see this tour failing.
I now believe dreams are but another realm to our conscienceness that truly exits but not always remembered.
I had this dream that I was taking cookies out of the oven and my wrist touched the rack pulling the pan out and I felt the burn. It woke me up and I really thought I had burned myself for a brief second. I even said Ow upon waking up.