same same same - start of summer, and I get the pang on loneliness like a stone in the heart . Isolation becomes so much sharper in the bright light.
But I muster up all the hope I can that I'm wrong.
I don't need this shit ever again.
I've been struggling so much lately. Mentally, physically (messed up ankle and foot) and financially. Nightmare neighbor's new girlfriend banging on the wall when my kid makes the slightest noise.. she's autistic and stims vocally often. I'm feeling uncomfortable in my own home all while just trying to make it through every month being a single mom, getting my daughter to therapy, going to food banks etc. and I've just hit my limit. Today the wheel on my child's stroller blew. The entire thing. Walking is our main way of getting around as I don't drive and get panic attacks on transit. I had to hobble on my bad ankle, while lifting the one side of the stroller nearly ten blocks to the gas station as at first I thought it only needed air. Once we got there and filled it with air, it immediately deflated. I felt so defeated. A man helped me figure out the issue which was the valve so I couldn't even just patch the wheel. I was kind of thinking out loud and said oh great, I can't afford that right now. He said sorry, can't help you there unfortunately. I was immediately embarrassed and apologized saying I wasn't hinting for him to give me money. I bought tape from the store to try and cover the valve after pumping more air in to try and at least get us home. As I looked up from the air pump he walked up to me and handed me $15.00 saying you need this more than I do. I immediately burst into tears and thanked him. I probably looked crazy. I was so overwhelmed not just over the money but mostly because of this man's kindness. I really, really needed that. I've been having such bad luck and crappy things in life lately that this man's one act of kindness alone made me sob. My faith in humanity was restored today. Another couple stopped to ask if we needed help as well. There are good people in the world. He will probably never know how deeply that touched me today. If you happen to ever read this, Thank you.. from the bottom of my heart. You completely made my day. I will pay it forward to someone else down on their luck someday.
I have a few friends and they're good people and I care about them, but I don't have a deep, genuine connection with anyone. It feels lonely.
The decisions you make on a daily bases could they change depending on what you decide to do, is it like fate or predestined to happen? If you only waited one more minute or if you changed the course you were on, decided not to make that stop. Would it it have changed the outcome? Or are the things that happen in your life simply fate and would they occur anyways no matter what choice you made at that moment ?
I ponder this today.
Don’t be that person. When you are so sure that it could never happen to you so you feel safe to judge someone who is having a rough time. Ask yourself how you might feel if you had gone through all of the things they have? Severe stress can destroy a person over time. It causes physical health problems that can ultimately kill someone. Any time you feel the need to say just do so and so or just don’t do such and such you’re assuming that it’s that easy. The judgiest person I know is someone who has had the easiest life imaginable with very few actual responsibilities and perfect health and parents who have babied him forever giving him money and doing everything for him. He’s never had to be responsible for anyone but himself and he’s never even had a pet. But he still thinks he’s qualified to give advice on life to people who have gone through serious illness and crises and trauma and XO
My friend put recouping $20 before my feelings and our relationship. In my lifetime I’ve bought dinner, drinks, did the driving, paid for Skytrains home, gave their kids bicycles and gifts, organized photo shoots, organized birthday get togethers, need I go on. So to recoup 20 loonies from me is distasteful, disappointing and hell I thought I was worth thousands. I was wrong.
I admit having a mental block in looking for a new place to live. The last time I did, it was the most stressful thing in my life. I was broke for years and pinned to the ground owing so much money to the bank. Working to just keep a roof over my head. To voluntarily give up the tiny space I have, to put myself in so much financial servitude to the bank and my employer, for years, is quite frankly terrifying and depressing. So, stay in 500 sq ft or be a slave to the bank for years for 300 more sq ft. I hate Vancouver. Honestly, I would have left here years ago if not for obligatory familial ties. Everything is paved f*cking over, any space is stampeded with weekend warriors, I don't give two shits about artisanal donuts. Why the eff are we all here?
Especially when someone is telling you how terrible their ex is. I found out that my ex was telling his friends and new girlfriend all this stuff that I supposedly did to him when it was actually all stuff that he did to me! He told her I was crazy of course and since she was in love with him she believed it. I found out when someone she talked to told me what he said. Maybe he didn’t tell her about all his other *crazy* exes or she would have figured out who the common element was. Just because someone finally fights back after being emotionally abused for years doesn’t make them crazy, and just because the person who did the abuse seems calm and rational doesn’t mean they’re the innocent victim. It might just mean that they’re so cold and cruel that they will deliberately push someone to their breaking point and then stand back calmly watching them break. Then they’ll tell everyone how irrational and unstable that person was without ever mentioning any of the stuff they did to mentally torment them for years. They have no conscience and they have no empathy so it means nothing to them.
And felt so depressed I'm a single older straight guy & there was nothing but young perfectly fit male/female couples (perfect toned bodies & perfect hair) groups of young people together & single older men there (likely gay since the West End is known as a hub for white gay men).... No single women unless they were super young walking thier dogs or jogging or UW's.... So yes I felt like shut there.... I might as well as stayed home and go on the internet.