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Black Tambourine

A dark season. I welcome the heavy rains to reflect what it feels like on the inside. It’s hard to keep it in, let the feelings flow past like fish in a stream they say. But I am drowning. Tired of treading. I hear about renters forced out of town, employers struggling to keep staff. What is to become of us. Long commutes are inefficient. I hear talk of how Montreal regulates rent fairly and wonder if such a thing could exist here.


Misunderstood, the feeling as I walk day to day. It’s lingering around my heart, my eyes, my brain, my soul. My anger is misunderstood, my sadness is misunderstood, my happiness is misunderstood. I long for the days, the hours, the seconds when I am. When I am understood for my anger, my sadness and my happiness. The pain I carry is wearing on my heart. My heart feels pains for others. My eyes see the pain for others. My Brian sorts out the pain of others. I understand the pain of others. The same thought lingers every day every hour ever minute every second “So Why can’t I be understood.”

Impossible standards

Men and women are both largely single, childless, and try to attain impossible relationships (must be 6' tall, wealthy, or super attractive, etc.) I am starting to believe marrying at 15 was a better approach. Nothing was overly thought-out to these extreme and impossible standards that we have today. You could get unlucky, but if they are not a sheer idiot or loser, it is better than being single for the rest of your life, isn't it?

I used to be fearless

But being kicked one too many times by life has made me want to hide away. Every once in a while I get glimpses of the person I used to be, but more often than not she’s not visible at all. I’m mostly okay with my quiet life, but I also find myself being occasionally longing for that feeling again where anything was possible and nothing could stop me.

I am dating two women who both love me.

I believe it is wrong, but I find myself in relationships with two different, wonderful women. So far, I have been able to juggle availability, but it cannot go on this way. I can't make up my mind. They are both so special. We haven't committed to exclusivity, but it is not unreasonable to assume they believe we are exclusive. I don't need readers to beat me up here. Some helpful suggestions would be helpful.

I knew it!

I just learned that this guy I was with for years was telling his sister all the details of my private life and saying things about me that aren’t true at all. I could tell that she was involved because some of the things he said sounded like it was her talking and not him because he’s not educated. Then I found out that it wasn’t only his sister he told but his mom too, so they both think they know me way better than they actually do. I don’t feel better knowing this even though it does feel a little bit validating. It makes me feel violated and sad because I trusted him with so much and of course a lot of what he said about me wasn’t even true and he always made himself out to be an innocent victim and never mentioned anything he did that created a lot of the problems we had. I wish I could tell them all what I know but if I did that I’d be breaking the trust of the person who told me and I promised I wouldn’t say anything. But it’s making me boil inside!

Listen up

If only I had listened to my own advice I would have never stayed in that last relationship. Here’s the key to knowing if a relationship is a good one: if that person makes you feel good about yourself, stay. If you’re doubting yourself, second guessing everything you think, feeling insecure about how they truly feel about you, feeling like you’re not good enough and that everything is your fault, chances are you’re with a manipulator. Do they drop little digs about your appearance or intelligence every once in a while? Like making a slightly mean comment or always telling you they’re ”just joking” when they’ve said something critical about you? So you start feeling self-conscious about your attractiveness or intelligence? Do you feel confused and slightly anxious a lot? If the answer to most of these questions is yes, GET OUT before the damage to your psyche is so bad that you become overwhelmed and severely depressed. Just remember that someone who has your best interests at heart will never make you feel like that. You will feel loved and secure when you’re with the right person. You won’t feel judged and criticized and bad about yourself. Listen carefully to your gut instincts.

For men

I just want to confess. I have very close guy friends. I love my boys. In fact I tell them so often. Also, I cry sometimes and its ok. Lets not let dumb people on social media define what being a man is. A man can be many things: macho, tough, stoic, emotional, sensitive and many other things. Dont let stupid people tell you how to feel. Be true to yourself and love your brothers. That is all.

I can't go on like this.

I feel so lonely, deep in my bones. I expect someone, anyone to wave a magic wand and miraculously transform my entire existence. And yes I realize that sounds delusional and ridiculous, but I can't shake myself of the belief that because I try to be a good person and because I've tried so hard for so long, I deserve some kind of total life makeover. I'm exhausted and rudderless.


B from BCAA

Dear B: My mom caught her car over a curb this evening in front of my building so she called BCAA...

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