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Through A Blue Lens

I'm at an odd period in my life. Now that I'm long out of university and high school, I'm finding myself re-watching the documentaries that my teachers made me watch all those years back. Through A Blue Lens is one of them. I don't even live in BC any more, but never the less I feel like the documentary now is much more meaningful than it was when I first saw it 20 or so years ago. When I first watched it, it meant nothing. When I watched it this time around, I became very emotional and cried. Age does that, I suppose. Some things we should only watch or read when we are mature enough to grapple it. The same goes with re-reading books at a different point in life. It's funny. When you're young, dumb, and think you're Super whoever, you stuff your parents or teachers try to show you simply doesn't phase you. We assume that they never were in our shoes. Then you live a little and fly on our own, taste the good and bad of life, and then come back to their lessons and are like, "woah, where the fuck was my head at the time?". I'm not saying live in the past---no, that never works. However, when all the beautiful people who were once in your life are six feet under or married and have long forgotten you, their lessons on humanity can sure come in handy, even if it takes 20 years to sink in. Re-watch Through a Blue Lens, or re-read an old book. You might be surprised at what it was people were trying to teach ya.

Leave me alone (or don't)

I used to be super shy, listen to people talk crap about me without saying anything back, and care what people thought of me. In the past year I have become more outspoken, confident, and assertive yet respectful at the same time, which I am quite proud of. Sometimes I am still shy though, which is alright. It is important to help others and take care of yourself as well, but lately I am tired of having to attend events once in a while with people who I used to know that always talk about the same things and it gets really boring. I don't relate anymore. I want to say no thank you in the future, but I am too nice to make an excuse not to go. Sometimes I just want to do nothing and relax when it's my day off. I am fine socializing and spending time with people, yet I need time to recharge, especially since my job is exhausting depending on the week. Some people do not understand that it is a nice luxury to be alone sometimes and they should not take it personally if you do not want to see them. I have family and friends who are nice and I talk to often. It's just that certain people are stressful and it feels like an obligation to see them. I think I need to make more friends my own age who are interested in the same things and/or get a boyfriend hahaha. I'm a female in my 20s btw. Does anyone else feel this way too? Feel free to comment with nice, helpful, respectful advice if you want, or even mean advice. I want to hear it all. Thank you everyone.

I confess that older memories

Have been cropping up in my thoughts lately. It wouldn’t be so bad but a lot of the memories are extremely unpleasant and It’s not fun revisiting those times. Stuff I haven’t even remotely thought of for years. I recently switched to a different anti-depressant and I’m not enjoying this peculiar side effect.

Dreams that seem so real

I had a dream about someone from my past last night and it seemed so real. It left me missing them even more today. I wish we could still be friends, that we hadn't fucked it all up.

Realized somtin

I was chatting with my ex , it has been awhile but. I noticed in the last few conversations have always revolved around men. He is always talking about men he saw hanging out at different places, guys chatting with him, checking him out. Maybe. Is he is gay? Which is great. People are people. But it all makes sense now, all the men talk. Hes the one interested... Cool.

Always second guessing

I confess that no matter how much my instinct tells me that this decision is the right one, I always end up second guessing myself. I drive myself crazy analyzing every part of it. Going over and over the what-ifs. I realize that I’ve become so used to not trusting myself after too many years of chaos resulting from trusting the wrong people. If I hadn’t made that decision to trust them, things would have likely been so different (and better), so how can I trust myself to make the right decision now? I find myself paralyzed by indecision far too often and its really had devastating effect on my life.

Enjoying retirement

The last time I had a beer was in August and it made me realize that it just ain’t my thing anymore. I’ve been sober for almost six months now and enjoying my retirement from that whole partying and drinking lifestyle. No more waking up hungover in the morning. No more beer belly sagging over my belt. No more emptying my pockets. My body and mind feel a lot more clear now. There’s nothing left to say but so long.

Uncensored Mum

My mum has been gone for 8 years. She died far too young. That said, if there is one thing I miss more than anything about her, it's her uncensored wit and sense of humour... exactly like Grace & Frankie. I don't know if it came with experience or with her social class, but I revered (as a male) her ability to swear in public like a pirate and do so with no apologies to anyone. She never tip-toed around anyone. She wasn't racist, she was just fiercely blunt. Her courage to speak up and be herself 100% of the time makes her my hero and something I long to fill the shoes of. She may not have had a lot of friends, but she didn't need it. The ones she had were loyal to her till the day she took her last breath. My dad's jealous sisters still talk shit behind her back, largely because they feared her I think and heard from her mouth what they didn't want to. Good on her. I don't know how she did it, but its the kind of bravery we could all use one in a blue moon. May she rest in peace.

Relationship with a married man

If I could see light at the end of the tunnel... if I had something/anything to hold onto.... but I don't. And I don't think I can hold on much longer....I feel desolate. I don't think I want you after this.

Personal space

My roommates partner hid in my room to scare me today and it made me so angry. I don’t care if it sounds like I’m overreacting. I’m so irritated. Not only was he in my room completely uninvited, I didn’t invite him to grab me either. Nothing pisses me off faster than unwanted invasion of my personal space. Hide around the corner to startle me, for what purpose? I live in a kind of sketchy part of the city. I already look over my shoulder constantly. My home was broken into while I was present earlier this year. I’ve been followed home, I’ve had a stalker. Someone jumping out at me in my own home is not pleasant, or even slightly funny to me. Keep your hands to yourself and stay out of my space! Why do people think it’s entertaining to make others uncomfortable or scared? Grow up!


Two Parrots bar bathroom

I rolled into the bathroom or Two Parrots and you and your friend wanted to touch my hair. You...

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