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Fight, flight or freeze

My recession fears temper my current reality. I remember all too well the 2008 recession, taking on a rather crappy job at 1/3 less pay than my previous job because literally no one was hiring. My stocks lost half their value. Currently I’m in a mediocre job and was trying to get out, but my feet are frozen now. Don’t want to quit something stable to start something new and unknown with a global recession at the doorsteps. Doing nothing is an action. It’s not my first choice but playing it safe is better than the despondency I felt last time around. I’m also forgoing all those $100+ events, restaurant meals, etc. Prefer to stuff it under my mattress so to speak. Belt tightening has already started for me.

I miss my therapist

This is my first week without my therapist. Our sessions had to end somewhat suddenly, there wasn't much that we could do about it. It was very helpful to me and the work that we did got me through a rough period and will continue to help me get through my life. That being said, I'm very afraid that I won't be able to find another therapist that I will connect with as well as this one, I've seen a few in my life and this one helped me the most. It's only been a week but this 60 minute gap in my schedule seems like an abyss.

Staying strong

As an extremely sensitive person it’s incredibly hard for me to pretend that I don’t hurt. But oh my god I hurt so f’ing much that it feels like fire in my veins. I’m alone all the time and have to be the strong one for my children and friends and my parents. They really don’t know how much it takes from me and how I collapse when they aren’t around to see it. I put on my brave face and my smile, and I offer all of the support and encouragement I can. But there’s no one to offer that same support for me. I’m so lonely and sad and all I want to do is hide away, but instead I force myself to get up, clean up, and try to get something accomplished every day. I know that there are thousands of people in this city feeling just like me but their own family and friends don’t know it either. So I’m posting this to remind everyone reading it to stop for a moment and ask yourself who it is in your life who will always offer you that shoulder to cry on and vent to? Who’s that person who always encourages you and builds you up? When was the last time you took the time to do the same thing for them? We all need to feel loved and appreciated, even the ones who never ask for it.

I dont care about success

I come from a very high achieving family. Mom and dad were top of their fields. They worked their asses off and are now rich. Im super proud of them. My beautiful sister had a free pass to any school, scholarships out the ass. She is amazing. Me…. I have a simple job i like but dont love. I make enough to get by, not more. Im single and happy about it. My family is always pushing me to do more, aim higher and the like. Thing is… I dont care. Im fine with my life. Ive travelled the world, ive had amazing moments with awesome people. Ive done a lot in my life but it never seems to cut for my family. They always harp on about “just want you to be happy”. What they really mean is they want me to be happy on their terms. The last thing I will mention: my mom and dad and sis, while very smart and successful, are kind of boring and have no friends. And so… I love my family but i dont care what they think and I have no regrets about my life. I hope everyone out there whose family does not accept them, can find peace and love in your chosen family and community. Love you all.

Electric Nights

It feels humid today. My clothes have a strange dampness to them. There’s a feeling of anticipation in the air. Lightning storms are forecast in the province. I’m hopeful for lively dark skies with the smell of petrichor and ozone.

Lights Camera Action

This new building I moved into has so many security cameras. They say it's for outside security, intruders but you can't get anywhere in building or the elevators or the stairs without a fob. So who would be able to access the front door or the upper floors of the building? There are cameras everywhere within the building and where does this video feed go ? I find it very unsettling and wonder are these security cameras here to watch for intruders or to keep an eye on the people that live here ? Big Brother Watching.

I’m exhausted

I talk at my job with my coworkers all day. Then I talk all day with my clients. And then I go home at talk with my family. And the I talk with my friends. I don’t even like talking that much. I’m quiet…

Just a wee bit forced

I’ve noticed couples and other groups my age are laughing a little too loud as people pass. It’s as if they want as many people to hear. Do they not hear the sick despair of their forced cackles? I do… through my earplugs. It’s tolerable then.

I SAW YOU

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