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Wasted Years

When you’re in a relationship with someone you’d do anything for but realise over time that they wouldn’t care if you fell off a bridge, don’t do what I did and wait for it to get better. It doesn’t. Just leave. I wasted so much time and was stripped of my self worth and confidence. I’m starting to get it back but it’s been a hard road. I can’t believe how much better I feel now that I don’t have the stress that relationship caused in my life. I didn’t even realise how bad it was ‘til I was away from it for long enough to see it clearly. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to listen to your intuition. I ignored it so many times, even in the very beginning. I’ll never do that again.

Earplugs

They are so handy. I never used to consider bringing them with me. But I find I'm always wanting them when I don't have them, especially when I'm on transit. Like if someone had their fucking music or other audio on super loud, I could just slip them on. I mean people just don't give a shit about other people, so it's less stress to alter my behavior versus someone else's and people wonder why I don't talk to other people.

It never changes

I’ve been my family’s scapegoat for my entire life. I’m almost 60 and nothing has changed. I’m the one who tells the truth. I don’t go along with all the bs lies and the codependency between my parents and some of my siblings. I was the one who showed obvious signs of trauma from the neglect and emotional and physical abuse when I was a child. I was depressed and I didn’t remain quiet, so I was labelled as the troublemaker and my siblings were encouraged to mistreat me too. It’s affected my life in so many ways, and I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD. I’m so tired and all I want to do is walk away from all of them and let them deal with their own consequences, but now that they’re old and fragile I’m pressured to step up and help them. But in spite of their constant complaining about how their lives are, every time I try to make any changes to help them, they immediately revert to lies (to doctors or social workers) and manipulation tactics. It’s exhausting and it feels completely futile to even bother trying to help because the results are exactly the same; I get blamed for causing them trouble. If I back away I’m blamed for not helping enough and not caring. So I’m resigned to being their scapegoat for the rest of my life, but I’m not resigned to ruining what’s left of mine.

A much younger woman likes to spend a lot of time with me

In the past few months, a much younger woman, much younger, has spent a lot of time with me. She initiated the contact, although I knew her many years ago, when she was an adolescent. Typically, we eat at a restaurant with friends of mine. She is a very attractive, highly educated professional who doesn't need my assets, if I had any. If I don't invite her, she invites me. But, there has been no physical intimacy. I don't want to hurt her feelings, or make a fool of myself, but I wonder if we are just friends.

Seinfeld Time

I was a huge Seinfeld fan. But I haven't watched it for a good 15 years or so since my undergrad days in the mid 2000s. What happened to all those DVD season box sets? Anyway, wow everything feels so dated now. Not just the terrible fashion, huge jackets, giant ties, bizarre colors, but there are rotary phones, phone books, answering machines, rolodexes, giant mobile phones, and the pacing is so slow and finally, almost all of Jerry's standup is gender orientated. I never noticed! I feel ancient!!!!

if you're an honest person

you will never escape your class. you might make more money and dress well now. you might have a nice home. you might have great taste. and the people around you as you move up don't reflect that, not everyone moves up. most are born and remain in the same position and if you change, you might disgrace the class you're from if you so choose to. i remember my mom stopped by my work to say hi to me, my boss didn't say hi to her even though i introduced her to my coworkers. my mom looks worn out and speaks accented english, in a graphic tee and skinny jeans and sneakers that don't match, with a wire cart for groceries. that was one of the last straws that had me leave that shop. it didn't pay much but the owners didn't have to make much, they have their families behind them. it's stuff like that that makes me lose respect instantly. i have a lot of empathy, for rage, for irresponsibility, for flakiness, for the misuse of hurtful words, for ignorance, for alcoholism, for all our flaws, but that sort of behaviour isn't problematic. it's hatred. i've experienced this a lot, my father gets a lot of looks for having one leg. my step-father for being black. i've seen that look from people many times in my life and it fills me with disgust. people look at me now and assume that i must come from some traditional family, middle class at least. if i model or if i own the places i've just been working for. i give off a distinguished impression that wasn't intentional, with a clear voice and tasteful clothes that exude confidence, spare the tee shirts (sometimes). but my family is where i come from and if you can't accept that, you will not have anything to do with me. if asked for my honest opinion, i'll speak of how you looked at my mother. because that's all anyone needs to know to understand who you really are.

A hug from the sun

I'd been a mess for years with no motivation to get up and change. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which was a relief. It gave me insight to why I am the way I am and that I'm not just lazy. I'd be sunken into my couch feeling so out of control. I hated it and so desperately wanted to get up to take care of myself but felt paralyzed. I have now been on medication for two months and am seeing improvements. I'm frustrated with my family as they don't believe me. I've already been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by two psychiatrists and they just say, "I think it's just circumstantial. Once things get better you'll feel fine!". They don't acknowledge that I nearly jumped off a bridge. I couldn't keep self regulating with alcohol and ended up in a psychward. They don't connect the impulsive behavior. I've been diagnosed with type two. When I'm hypomanic I try to hide it. I spend money irresponsibly and start pointless fights. My brother said because I don't talk fast/act hyper that I don't have it. He didn't see me at my worst after being attacked by my ex husband. I curled up on the bathroom floor literally ripping my hair out. I get annoyed at the ignorance and invalidation. I wonder if I'm surrounded by assholes or if I'm the ignorant one. I had flashbacks of my husband beating me after watching a show called 'Maid'. I was zoned out and accidentally dunked my hand in a pot of boiling water as if I were mashing potatoes with a fork. I don't know where this is going.. Sorry for ranting. Sometimes I feel like a kettle about to explode. I sound depressed but I really am getting better now and I'm grateful. I just want to say to anyone struggling with mental illness that sometimes it feels like you're in a deep cave. You finally see the opening.. you're so close then it's closed off by a boulder. The light disappears. You're left sitting in the damp, cold abyss alone hearing bats echoing off the walls wondering if you'll ever be rescued.. then one day the rocks above come crumbling down exposing the sky above. A ray of sunshine beams down like a warm blanket surrounding you. You levitate to the surface and carry on your way. Dont lose hope.

I miss opening bands

When I go to a show to see the opening band because I am to cool for the main band, or when I go to a show and the opening band is beyond amazing and then I get to wander over to the Merch table and buy sh*t straight from them. Then I listen to them and their media page leads me to a ton of new bands from some state or part of the world I did not know had a scene. The pandemic has taken small art from my life in ways that I don't know can come back. The last 4 sets of tickets I bought have all been for shows that at the last minute were cancelled. :(

A short love confession

I don't have many, but thought this was neat. About 18-19 years ago I took a girl skating in new west. I kept the 2 receipts. Gave them to my mom to hold on to. Years later I would spend time with said girl and our relationship was a train wreck. I haven't had a gf since. Not a pat on the back, just a fact. My mom passed recently and in her most jewelry box of most treasured things I found those two tickets. Due to the circumstances of her passing, I also had found that she had been facebook followed her ever since. The last movie I watched with my mom was the princess bride. She always loved a love story. At the time I couldn't convince my ex or my mom that this girl was my one true love. But in the years following my mom understood. never said anything but understood. finding those two little preserved tickets and an art book that my ex drew for me, was all I will ever need for true love. life is pain. But so is love. Hope you all find yours.

The Hundred Club

When I was in kindergarten we learned to count to a hundred. It took a bit of time and effort but we were encouraged along the way to believe success would be rewarded with exclusive membership. I was sooo disappointed upon graduation to discover no wood paneled lounge with leather armchairs and smoking jackets no balloons or confetti. One of life's first major disappointments. What was that all about?

I SAW YOU

Bicycling on the surface of the water

You were doing Tai Chi. I bicycled slowly, through deeply pooled water, not making even a ripple...

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