I know a guy that's constantly getting himself into trouble. His friends have been dropping like flies out of his life and I don't blame them. All he's done is gossip about everyone and manipulate them into depression, financial loss, breakups...You name it he's done it, to his FRIENDS. Family members too. He's extremely judgmental and thinks very highly of himself with nothing, I mean nothing, to show for it. It's all an act, he's actually super bitter. His bitterness is his motivation to "take people down", people who've done nothing to him. And whatever, if they did, it still doesn't add up to the insane level of calculation and sabotage of their life he gets up to. A lot of the old friends that used to hang are doing better since they grey rocked phased him out. One was balding and his hair grew back from no stress. Another one got married. Another went on to own his own company. My confession is any time I hear positive news from one of the old friends I make sure to be the first to tell him, I know hearing about his old friends succeeding is the nail in the coffin and after all the games he's done, I want to be the one delivering the news. Any new person that comes along, I make sure to tell them exactly what he's about. Save themselves the stress. He can't figure out why he's not getting away with the tired manipulation tricks, I'm having too much fun to tell him.
i love to sing in complete privacy, friends know that i enjoy writing but they don't know it emerged from songwriting as a child and made-up tunes. i am an open book in most every way but my mediocre daily singing is a much needed catharsis to carry on with living. it's nice to have a piece of yourself for yourself.
I have never enjoyed being hugged due to childhood trust issues that I won't get into. Everyone is excited about hugging people again now that covid restrictions are being lifted. Not looking forward to this. I was kind of able to get into the spirit of hugging before covid, but now, can't imagine doing it again except with a few people I'm close to. Please be patient with us shy huggers when things go back to normal.
I had a eureka idea. My apt building always has weird smells like food and cleaners and you knows apt smells. I'll start cloning my cannabis plant and leave them in the lobby, so everyone can take free plants. I figure, if everyone has cannabis plants in their unit the building might smell nice more often.
I run because I try to escape the crushing loneliness. It isn't working.
Our bed is just for sleeping, each on their own side. There is no touching and no intimacy, so no love either. There is family and we couldn’t afford two homes but I often think about the feel of another’s skin touching mine.
I know people are starting to wear masks less but I still fantasize about what women look like under their masks. The curve of their lips or nose. The shape of their cheeks and chins. I used to fantasize about what women looked like naked but not for a long time now.
i'm exhausted of rampant and unregulated capitalism. that is it. i am depressed and explore all avenues to eradicate or make some reasonable peace with it. but i know that any career viable to me now in the guise of money comes at the cost of major sacrifice in pleasure and dignity. and the work that has given me pleasure and dignity offers no true financial respite, hence heightening anxieties and insecurity and also... less pleasure and dignity at the fault of finances and not the purpose of the work.
take the soul sucking career, cultivate circle of impressive acquaintances, trash your livlihood for a sugar daddy, offer up all of your pieces in the zoo of parasocial success or die finding lifelong friendships, love, enjoying the immaterial everyday bits of living, and expression by way of art.
I’m back out in the world doing the things, but it’s not the same. I’m acting like it is, but parts of this city that were bustling before the pandemic are ghost towns. People seem to have decamped elsewhere. And I understand why
I don't give a shit about anything !
It's a good place to be.