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Sinking while trying to stay afloat

I feel my lips curl into a smile, I say “im doing okay, I’ve been busy.” No one wants to know your truth. They don’t want to sit there and listen to your sadness. They have there own Shit to deal with or they simply can’t help or understand. Sometimes I feel like my mind is drowning and im in a ocean full on thoughts. Sometimes my mind swims among the happy thoughts and it just floats, then there’s a wave. It crashes and pushes my brain around. It gets spun out to a bunch of thoughts that are harmful. It makes me feel drained and I feel like im sinking. Im not sure how to stay afloat. I try the lifeboat of pumping air throughout my brain, I drink the non salted water, but I can’t seem to get a grip. I keep on trying to fix the lifeboat, or try to purify the water, but it doesn’t seem to fix the taste.

I won’t be a cliché

Am self aware enough to notice I again have attraction to a former employee (started when they were hired) and have also crushed on colleagues in the past (not a great pattern!). I might keep in touch with this person but probably should do best to avoid them as it’s highly unlikely to be reciprocal and because of the way we met. I’m not experienced or confident in my private life haven’t ever dated and don’t interact with many people aside from meeting through work. But it’s simply not appropriate or very smart to ever entertain these crushes. It feels ludicrous and embarrassing hence the confession. I will wait it out and it will pass. I have enough hobbies and interests. Hope one day I gain confidence to try striking up something with a stranger or viable acquaintance. I am very grateful for my life but I do notice when I have a crush that it’s a bit lonely. Thanks to other posters I know I’m not a special snowflake and I focus on my own happiness / dating myself etc. Goal is crushes that I could actually pursue !

Hare Krishna

Sometimes I wish I was George Harrison. He had all answers, so full of wisdom. I was in high school when I found out he died. There goes the sun.

I wish rehabs worked better

They're not that successful for many so we're left to our own devices or nothing. Plus most cheap ones are mainly 12 step which isn't for everyone.

C'est la vie

I have never been single and have been in back to back long term relationships with several shorter ones as well. I'm at the age where many I know are married, some with children. I have those telling me to get back on the dating bandwagon, because my biological clock is ticking. I'm in my mid-thirties for a reference, but honestly after this latest one I just don't feel attracted or physically turned on no more. I'm not sure why I end up with men who aren't into anything serious, but I do regret wasting my time. Maybe love is just not meant to be for some? When I was younger I really did try to make things work out. That's probably why they were longer relationships, but toxic. As of recently though, I've been the one to call it quits early when I feel it just isn't for me.

Will it be another year?

Things were looking good in BC with controlling COVID. I thought I would be throwing my masks away by now, believing the “back to normal” possibility by September. That has gone down the drain. I bought a new set of masks today. My white flag of defeat with ear loops. I’m very crushed at the uncertainty of fall and winter. Will we be doing this for another year? I have an immuno-compromised kid to protect at all costs.


Today. With my wife. It doesn't happen all that often.

I Read

the "I Saw You" and "Missed Connections" posts hoping someone noticed me.

Just a gigolo

I confess that I’m feeling sorry for a guy who’s been a victim of his good looks. I’ve known him since high school. He was typically handsome and tall and strong, all of the stuff that appeals to lots of women. He wasn’t smart in school, but he had personality and learned how to get by based on that and his charm. But as he’s aged I’ve noticed that he seems sadder. He had so many women fall for him that he never thought he’d really need to “settle” for just one. He seemed to gravitate to older women or at least ones who had enough money that he could hang out with them at their place on their dime and be comfortable. Lots of them paid for trips for him, gave him keys to their place, gave him expensive gifts, etc. Once I joked with him that he was just a gigolo (like the song) and he looked at me like he’d been caught in the act. Shocked and guilty at the same time. So now he’s old and alone. His looks faded and he didn’t have much else to rely on because he never really developed anything else. I truly feel like he’s been a victim in many ways, just like many beautiful women have been used solely for their looks. I wonder how his life might have turned out differently if he hadn’t been born with those looks. Would he have developed the ability to truly connect with another person? Would he have learned how to do things for himself instead of depending on others to do basic life-skill stuff for him? I’m a pretty average looking guy but I’m in a supportive long-term relationship. I’ve got kids and a family. He spends almost all of his time with his aged parent, or desperately trying to find another woman to support him. It’s sad to watch but at the same time I confess that I also feel like saying “I told you so!” to him.


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