i'm exhausted of rampant and unregulated capitalism. that is it. i am depressed and explore all avenues to eradicate or make some reasonable peace with it. but i know that any career viable to me now in the guise of money comes at the cost of major sacrifice in pleasure and dignity. and the work that has given me pleasure and dignity offers no true financial respite, hence heightening anxieties and insecurity and also... less pleasure and dignity at the fault of finances and not the purpose of the work.
take the soul sucking career, cultivate circle of impressive acquaintances, trash your livlihood for a sugar daddy, offer up all of your pieces in the zoo of parasocial success or die finding lifelong friendships, love, enjoying the immaterial everyday bits of living, and expression by way of art.
I’m back out in the world doing the things, but it’s not the same. I’m acting like it is, but parts of this city that were bustling before the pandemic are ghost towns. People seem to have decamped elsewhere. And I understand why
I don't give a shit about anything !
It's a good place to be.
Well, almost without. I sometimes check in on a photographer friend by way of Instagram but I am not creating anything or posting anything. I had used social media such as Facebook for a number of years before realizing that the people on the sites were not friends in the way that I think of real friends, they were acquaintances and mutual acquaintances who knew far too much information about me before we had actually spent any time together even getting to know each other. We had never spent time together in person, and I was not happy with the way my relations with all these people were evolving, it was toxic and I decided to stop using social media. I reinstated Facebook once, but all in all it has been two years since I used it and I feel so much better about myself and my life. I feel that Facebook was a source of discomfort and too much detail and critique. in general, a waste of my time which I can now spend on hobbies and (now-- after covid restrictions)- seeing more people in person and developing relationships the old fashioned way
best friends from high school and university days who sort of disappeared about ten years ago never really disappeared. It turns out that he changed his name, broke off all his Vancouver friendships, moved to Australia and became a super successful financial professional there without telling anyone from here. I randomly saw his photo with his new name. I spent like 7 years wondering whatever happened to him. He was sort of awkward and nerdy before and I guess just wanted to reinvent himself? But still very, very strange!
Honest to God I’m not very excited at the idea of people having a choice on whether they want to wear masks on public transit or not. I got vaccinated but haven’t taken my mask off since this pandemic took over the world. I have not been sick once ever since I’ve kept it on.
Now I hope I won't cave in & undelete them, too much toxicity on them, too much false sense of whom your true friends are & are liked, Facebook & Instagram are online drugs that get you hooked....pretty well a cult.
I think I saw an ex. He certainly has a type and his new partner is a more height and age appropriate lookalike of me. I would have gone on being all schadenfreude but was more surprised by my reaction. I wasn't heartbroken, just more curious. Happy for him that he found a new distraction and thoughtful how we both, in our own way, haven't quite moved on like we thought.
When I was younger, I was jumpily nervous,anxious, and sensitive. I also know, at some level I was decent looking boy, as I would, in the way teens can be at times, was very obviously 'chased'. However my anxiety meant a lot of the early experiences were not the most satisfying ( for either of us) So I guess my shyness and fear of failing intimately maybe created an emotional distance as I pushed advances away. When I was younger I was incredibly sociable, and would be known among friends as a happy bachelor, having flings but not wanting to settle.
Jump forward to a man in my 40's, I still at some level am that nervous boy, but it is hidden more, maybe overcompensating at times, as most of my current circle think of me as social, ( in non covid times!) confident and still, committed to not being 'tied down'. But these are just habits developed as strategies, as when younger, being 'seen' as being nervous was big no no, so the sharper aspects of it easily masked, in a social life that involved clubs and all the 'confidence' boosters provided in that environment.
But if someone makes clear signals they are interested, even if I am attracted to them, I panic, and will often mess up any chance, of feign disinterest. I often get involved in women who are very unavailable, and I believe that unavailability is the lure at times. The truth be told, I'm so afraid. My own deep dislike of myself means I feel anyone I become intimate with will see right away all that I most dislike about myself, and concur, effectively confirming my beliefs.
I do feel so sad and unfulfilled, and fear I will never know what its like to truly know, support and be supported by someone in a close bond. I feel my own self sabotage makes this increasingly impossible as the years clock by
My dreams have become more interesting than reality