best friends from high school and university days who sort of disappeared about ten years ago never really disappeared. It turns out that he changed his name, broke off all his Vancouver friendships, moved to Australia and became a super successful financial professional there without telling anyone from here. I randomly saw his photo with his new name. I spent like 7 years wondering whatever happened to him. He was sort of awkward and nerdy before and I guess just wanted to reinvent himself? But still very, very strange!
Honest to God I’m not very excited at the idea of people having a choice on whether they want to wear masks on public transit or not. I got vaccinated but haven’t taken my mask off since this pandemic took over the world. I have not been sick once ever since I’ve kept it on.
Now I hope I won't cave in & undelete them, too much toxicity on them, too much false sense of whom your true friends are & are liked, Facebook & Instagram are online drugs that get you hooked....pretty well a cult.
I think I saw an ex. He certainly has a type and his new partner is a more height and age appropriate lookalike of me. I would have gone on being all schadenfreude but was more surprised by my reaction. I wasn't heartbroken, just more curious. Happy for him that he found a new distraction and thoughtful how we both, in our own way, haven't quite moved on like we thought.
When I was younger, I was jumpily nervous,anxious, and sensitive. I also know, at some level I was decent looking boy, as I would, in the way teens can be at times, was very obviously 'chased'. However my anxiety meant a lot of the early experiences were not the most satisfying ( for either of us) So I guess my shyness and fear of failing intimately maybe created an emotional distance as I pushed advances away. When I was younger I was incredibly sociable, and would be known among friends as a happy bachelor, having flings but not wanting to settle.
Jump forward to a man in my 40's, I still at some level am that nervous boy, but it is hidden more, maybe overcompensating at times, as most of my current circle think of me as social, ( in non covid times!) confident and still, committed to not being 'tied down'. But these are just habits developed as strategies, as when younger, being 'seen' as being nervous was big no no, so the sharper aspects of it easily masked, in a social life that involved clubs and all the 'confidence' boosters provided in that environment.
But if someone makes clear signals they are interested, even if I am attracted to them, I panic, and will often mess up any chance, of feign disinterest. I often get involved in women who are very unavailable, and I believe that unavailability is the lure at times. The truth be told, I'm so afraid. My own deep dislike of myself means I feel anyone I become intimate with will see right away all that I most dislike about myself, and concur, effectively confirming my beliefs.
I do feel so sad and unfulfilled, and fear I will never know what its like to truly know, support and be supported by someone in a close bond. I feel my own self sabotage makes this increasingly impossible as the years clock by
My dreams have become more interesting than reality
This site should have one because half the time my cringe at my own comments and want to delete it. Written responses read lot harsher than intended.
As odd a craving it may be, I feel like sleeping in temperature-controlled clay mud. I'd be keeping cool and avoiding mosquito bites (at least on the mud covered parts).
Regular life is a treatment-resistant depression & anxiety hellscape quarantine.
a small bust and large busted women take it upon themselves to complain to me how bad it is. it really brings me down.