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To love harmony. I want to feel like things flow with my relationships, needs, and communication. But it's all in disarray. Snags at every turn. Why is it so hard. Like an orchestra perhaps the aspects of myself are unpracticed and the instruments within are out of tune, rusty, and my timing out of sync. I am forming, soon to storm. I want this to feel normal. I want to play, weave within the melodies of self, and feel the pulse on the floor that connects us and our humanity. But first I storm.
VANCOUVER DOESN'T KNOW HOW MANY HOMELESS PEOPLE THERE ARE IN THE CITY .... Does this relate to how many heartless people crave positions of authority and power over others in our immature society ?
Coffee. Daily Confessions. I'm not asking for much.
*Eye twitch intensifies*
Maybe I'm a jerk, but it doesn't seem right to me when someone solicits donations from their community for expenses they can't afford AND chooses to go for unnecessary extras.
About a lot of things and guess what I now have the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that makes the whole picture quite clear.
Not a pretty picture !
I tell you this if things don't start changing in a more positive light I'm going to sing like a damn bird.
Sing I tell you .
I miss the days of making the trek to Van, crashing on a friend's couch, wandering the neighbourhoods, looking for parking near West 4th to get to Zulu Records, listening to everything recommended by staff, and crossing the street for sweet and savoury crepes. It was a time when the Coquihalla still had a toll. The city smelt of petrichor on rainy days. There was a lively buzz in the air. Chinatown felt larger. I'd never heard of Lululemon. Sushi was exotic compared to my small-town fare. My god the food. Calling ahead to ask on the quality of the pearls that day for bubble tea at Dragon Ball and bringing extra cash. After experiencing banh mi from Bale I was sold. This would be my new home. I fell in love with the raccoons. The shy skunks known to forage around 2 am. Diving crows protecting nests. Finding kinship with blue herons by sea at sunset. So many hydrangeas. Fist bumping lion statues at each Vancouver Special. Discovering Breka and finding a midnight haven amongst patrons. That first time climbing Grouse Grind and finding comfort on the places worn on rails and trees by hundreds of hands steadying themselves in their ascent. Riding the skytrain like it's a carnival ride and switching sides to marvel at the landscape. Wandering the booths at the Richmond Market and losing myself in the crowd. Concerts in the living rooms of heritage homes and feeling the pulse in the old wooden floors as everyone tapped in time. Grilled cheese at The Rio. Cherry blossoms in Queen E Park. Someday I will have to leave you, yet all the things I've loved about you will remain with me.
The degree to which people are so fucked up is now astounding me.
I never understood the capacity or the depths that some would go too, the fact that another human being could be so evil and ridiculous even existed but on television shows. To see it first hand before your very eyes blows ones mind. Has the whole world truly gone mad ?
Holy Shit !
I am in love with a woman. She is amazing. She doesn't have any interest in me at all. She knows I have told her that I live her. It doesn't phase her at all. When she sees me she gets a look on her face that screams; "oh shit, not this loser". She looks stressed, which gives me pain. I love her, the last thing I want is for just seeing me to cause her grief. I think of her always.
I had an opportunity today with a sexy and very attractive woman today and It just made me want the woman I love even more.
I seem to attract only very beautiful women... But not her.
I wish she would give me a chance to show her I'm not a player or whatever she thinks I am. I am not. I am in love.
With her, only her, I can help that.
I leave her alone, what choice do I have? I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with her. But it's not to be. This is no junior infatuation, or lust or anything superficial, I have never been so taken with anyone.
Life can really suck. Mine sucks now and for the last four years, ever since I laid eyes in her.
Each year on Groundhog Day I like to imagine I will have to live the day countless times over. Will I be sailing through a predictable paradise or will I be compelled to drive off a cliff with Puxatwney Phil? If my answer is the latter I know big changes need to be made in my life. This year I'll also be considering the importance of recognizing one's shadow. From one standpoint, it seems like a misfortune to live in a prolonged winter. However, the opportunity to fully see oneself, shadow and all, no matter the consequence, seems a gift.