Confessions

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Haunted

In the last couple of months my earliest memory of life has been flooding back to the forefront of my mind. The first thing I remember is my baptism when I was a baby. My parents decided to baptize me in the Greek Orthodox Church. All I remember is the priest clutching my body with his big hands. I’m cold, naked and wet just crying my eyes out, while being watched by all those people sitting in the pews. Some old friends and relatives who passed away in the last couple of years. All I wanted was to go home and be in my warm cozy crib. That’s all I wanted. Nothing more. My mom had told me years later that I had a cold. She didn’t have time to cancel the occasion at the last minute so she decided to make due with the situation. It scars me in some respects, and I’ve often wondered if perhaps talking to a psychotherapist of some sort might help me learn to cope So that I’ll never have to think or cry about my first living nightmare ever again.

WFH

My boss likes to email and message me at 7am on workdays, despite the fact that the official working hours are 9-5. Everyday he sends these requests, orders, demands for me to do something at 7am. At first I responded, thinking I’m “getting stuff done”. But then I realized I am a sucker to extend my workday like that. I don’t get paid for working 2 hours earlier, so I decided I will only log on at 9am and respond to all the queries/demands then. As if being subjugated for 8 hours isn’t humiliating enough, being dominated over before you’ve even had coffee and breakfast is worse.

Testarossa

Mammals go into heat… except for humans apparently?! I call bullshit. I am most definitely not cool right now. I am tired, I want someone to touch me and not annoy me and I want someone here - but that also feels overwhelming and scary and this is incredibly uncomfortable. Is there an off switch to this? Do I just need to drink an exorbitant amount of soy milk? Cold shower? Shudder. No thanks. Testosterone sucks. This really sucks.

Lost

So I’m in my almost mid 20’s and I’ve been through the foster care system growing up, I was 6 when I went in and a huge part of me now is trying to get answers from my parents. We don’t have the best connection and I haven’t and don’t talk to them very often. I saw them in person a year back now and my purpose was to get those difficult questions answered but I cowered away and pretty much left after the first hour with them. Those questions never got answered and I feel like it’s been slowly eating at me for the past year, I feel like I need the answers to know myself and understand. Idk tho. The answers I get I guess is what scares me most. I’m going to plan a trip again to go see them. I need answers

Unsettling Artifacts

As I rewatch Stranger Things to prepare for season 4 I noticed something. It hits differently than before. It feels scarier but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I then realized I first watched the show in 2016. Between then and now, I was in a car accident and had an experience with psychosis. Watching Winona Ryders character felt terrifying this time. To know what it feels like on the inside and witness how chaotic things appear on the outside. The desperate desire to be believed that something sinister is afoot. Yet in this story of suspended reality Occam’s razor is a blunt tool unable to scratch the surface. How comfortable I felt following the story before that experience, scoffing at disbelief and embracing the unbelievable. This time I tread more carefully, mindful of how easy it can be to slip.

schadenfreude

I must admit … for the blue wrapped building I could t afford and its occupants

they never said they were leaving....

I am a Senior's care giver. Recently my brother and his wife moved away and bought a house on the island without telling me or my 83 year old mother that they house hunting or even thinking of moving away. Now they are acting like that was a perfectly normal thing to do and they are outraged that I feel upset or that I would dare to suggest that they have done me wrong by not letting me or Mom know that they were even thinking of moving away. It's not like they were doing much to help me in my role as a care-giver, yet I still feel betrayed the fact that they literally said "We bought a house on the island and we are moving next month," And that was the first I heard of their intention to move. Last night we had a bitter fight and I am clearly the bad guy in their minds, how dare I take offence at them living their lives. Meanwhile, Mom has been in hospital three times in the last two months, for 3-5 days each time and they have yet to attend, despite being "only a phone call away" and "only 50 miles (80km) away."

You stopped for geese

These things would never get anywhere near you in the bush. Because they know better, the only reason they parade across the street is because you submit to them. Funny though, you would never give another human being (in the dtes for an example) the same amount of dignity. And if that person is a cyclist. All bets are off, it’s like they’re not human. But geese. Everyone stops for the geese. What the f.

Twisted priorities

I know that this is going to truly annoy some people. But what the hell is wrong with people who will bend over backwards to help someone who has come here from another country who is struggling, but would literally step over a homeless citizen of Vancouver in the street who is trying to survive right here? I mean, wtf? I’m all for support for refugees, but I’m disgusted by the lengths that people will go to in order to help someone foreign when those same people turn up their noses at equally deserving people who happened to be born here. Our government will hand out money, medical care, housing, etc, to someone whose own corrupt government (no I’m not talking about Ukraine) doesn’t care, when they won’t do that same thing for their own citizens! It’s nothing but a freaking photo op for them. “Let’s help these poor unfortunate people from foreign lands because we’re such a magnanimous and generous government. But let’s completely ignore the people who might actually vote for us because they’re not as popular a cause.” I’m thoroughly disgusted. I’m on a neighbourhood fb group where someone just asked everyone to shell out for a “struggling family” from Africa because our government hasn’t given her enough money for a decent apartment, clothes, a good job, and food. I mean, seriously? Has this woman even looked around at our own neighbourhood and city to see the suffering happening every single day? Does she not read the local news? Obviously she is so clueless that she doesn’t comprehend that our government doesn’t give it’s own disabled and poor/disadvantaged citizens enough to even buy food nowadays, let alone a decent place to live. No. It’s so much more popular and IG and FB friendly to loudly proclaim your support for everyone else except for the citizens of the place you actually live. I want to puke.

Not a Robot but a Ghost

I put a post it note on my mirror right beside my face. ‘You are Enough’. I try to say it out loud as I look at myself. I feel silly. I try not to smirk. I’m smirking. Out of the corner of my eye my mind reworks the words and I see ‘I’ve had Enough’. Heh. Now That I can get behind. What have I had enough of? I’ve resigned myself from my needs for too long. I’ve had enough of tolerating. And what I’ve been tolerating will continue if I allow it. To crack the code. This great resignation, where will it lead if I choose to change?

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