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Slow Reader

I admit that I'm a slow reader, in both my languages. I always have been, and I've always felt guilty for being so thanks to the school system. It takes me longer to grasp passages of text than "normal" readers. That said, as I read, I hear, see, feel, taste, smell words, voices, worlds... In other words I absorb what I read as though I'm savoring vintage wine. As you read this, you're probably like, "so what?" I get you. My point is that I'm now no longer embarrassed or ashamed for being slow and taking my time -- contrary to what my teachers, peers, speed reading courses, and even parents essentially accusing me of being stupid or "suffering from a learning handicap". I hated tests for years... reading fast under pressure, and then failing miserably. It left me feeling as though I'd never make it anywhere in life, especially in the big fish eats little fish capitalist world. I refuse to give in and let myself get run down by that. It may take me forever to finish a book or to mentally sort out the newspaper article I just read, but for what it's worth... The worlds that I've visited (and in two tongues!) have added so much to and shaped me. It's just such a bummer that I had to wait to finish school, and university, and wait ten years to shake that trauma just to realize that.

I’m optimistic

Yeah, I know and please don’t get me started about where we are and where we’ve been, so on and so forth. But at this very moment in time, I’m optimistic. Just saying.

Stopping at crosswalks

So when did it become de rigueur to not stop at crosswalks? Now people just slow down a bit, and then swerve around you before you've even had a chance to finish crossing the crosswalk. Sometimes people don't even slow down. It's bloody dangerous and has to stop! I'm going to start filming cars and taking down license plates if this doesn't stop.

No right

The woman I've been having an affair with just said yes to her boyfriends proposal. I know I have no right to be upset by it but I am.

Isolation Self Conversation

It is the toughest part of the pandemic for myself, but one that I have been working on. Going out and being social is easy, coming home and re-envisioning peoples views of my interactions of them is exhausting and anxiety inducing. The amount of emails I DO NOT send now is progress. I don't text rambles, I comment less on things. But even two years later, on a good day with friends and new people I will come home curl up in and ball and think to myself that my view of everything going well was wrong and that every one probably hated me. I don't like mask socialization, but life is moving on. Masks and curling up in a ball are part of the day to day. Life moves on. :)


sometimes, like right now, i get overwhelmed because my parents love me, and i never saw my mom, and now she always texts me, just to let me know that's she thinking of me and that she loves me. i had all this resentment, but i really wanted my mom to love me deep down. as a child, i just wanted her to come and see me because nothing was stopping her. i cried a lot after christmas because my dad apologized for hurting me and wished he stood up for me more, he realized that i was completely neglected. it felt really good to be loved by my parents, for them to acknowledge the past. i feel like a child now. i'm twenty six and i'm sobbing because i'm so relieved to be loved by my parents. i never felt this love when i was a kid. they were both drunk and yelled at us all of the time. my sister is estranged from our family and she's got her own issues, but i guess in a way i held it together well enough. i have a hard time seeing her and accepting the way that she cut everyone off, but i understand. i'll always be her sister who lived that same life she did. i screwed up on a lot of things but i haven't fallen apart quite yet. in some ways, i'm really lucky. i'm grateful for my family and this life.

A twin

You ever see someone who looks like someone you used to know ? Happened to me but it couldn't possibly be. They do say everyone has a look a like twin roaming around somewhere in the world. It makes you look twice. But again not possible its the same person yet an oddity just the same. Alternet Reality !

I came here to complain

I came here to complain, then jann arden - good mother and I sat there grateful. thanks for everyone who keeps me grounded so I don't feel the desire to escape this world during this time.

What to do in Phase 2

Cook because you gotta eat. Send a card with photos to people around the world. Dream of spring and flowers and summer and days on the sand. Bar on the back burner, invite list loose in my mind. Run. Not because I want to but it kills an hour. Money used to buy fun and experiences, now it just accumulates without any personality. Call my parents, they are fine. Remembering dancing in clubs til my hair was soaked with sweat, completely present, not thinking of anything.


Cute Guy at Vaccination Clinic

We were standing in line waiting to get our boosters and we talked about the book I was reading, ...


Savage Love: Confusion over desire for spanking can be fixed with a proclamation of bisexuality...with limits

According to Dan Savage, it's better to give in to spanking than worry about your curiosity.

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