All those times I went out, to see random friends, have quick lunches mid day to catch up, to the gym, working out with others, attending concerts with thousands of other people, heck even getting in the elevator and having a chuckle with my neighbour..... that was a Golden Age and I didn’t realize how prosperous, safe, connected we all were. Was it a dream? It almost feels like it didn’t exist. I had a rich, varied, calm life with others and it’s all gone now. Cloistered away, nowhere to be, and only riding my bike with a few in my bubble. I had a dream that I went to Seattle, teeming with people everywhere, and even in my dream I thought, This is not safe. I miss the crowds and energy of people. It’s gonna be a long time before there’s economic recovery where people and companies are in a good place again. And I regret everything I didn’t do before “because I was tired”. Had I had known it would never happen again at that moment, I would’ve just drank a coffee or energy drink and rolled with it. To all the people I never run into anymore, to the family members worldwide that I can’t visit, to the random people I’d have a laugh with running a race, I miss you all.
I don't care if I have holes in my running shoes. They are running shoes. Hence, I no longer belong in Vancouver because I do not get along with vain people. I have to move.
I lost my job due to the pandemic and although it’s been a wonderful break for me, I’m bored. I’ve sent out dozens of resumes and now it looks like things are back peddling. The CERB is being diminished so I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford anything on top of just bills which means literally being stuck doing free activities or stuck at home. Yes, everyone is going through this and I’m no exception but I’m BORED! I have some talents in certain areas but I have no wish to fulfill them. I’ve become completely complacent. I feel like I’m just floating through life like a slug. I know I’m going to look back at this and get upset with myself for not being more productive but I can’t seem to force myself. I’m getting fatter and lazier and I’ve lost my will to give a shit. I’m basically a shut in. I have no idea how to use social media either so it’s not like I could start some magical influencer page that takes up all my time either and I don’t care to learn how. Ugh. FML.
I wish I could express myself. Yesterday at the beach there was a woman playing ukulele and singing. I play music and sing but I would never be able to just sing on the beach where people can hear me. But really deep down I would love to do it I am just afraid. Why is it that some people are just free inside, and others like me are so inhibited. I just want to feel free and be free.
I have looked in dark places, have seen things that should never have been seen by anyone. I am not religious but I seek forgiveness, I wish I could bathe in gifts of forgiveness. I have a good heart, but we all have dark forces within that can take over sometimes. Please have mercy.
Over the last few months I have had to decide what is important, what is not. what is worth my money. what is not. what is worth waiting in line for. what is not. etc and so on.
For all the draining stress and anxiety inducing isolated times, I have come to realize most of my life now consists solely of things I would be willing to isolate 2 weeks for. The people. The things I do. The bubble of acquaintances, both personal and professional.
There is not anything or anyone right now in my life that is not worth those 2 weeks. That makes me feel pretty darn good.
My confession is simply that I am getting extremely bored of reading these mediocre type confessions. I am the kind of person who avoids using social media, and hardly even uses email except when necessary, and yet the Confessions grabs my attention as somehow relective of the average experience and often much more insightful. To my chagrin, most of the postings seem to be about television and very mind-numbingly boring ways and topics to write confessions about. Is this the best we can do? What has happened to the quality of the writing, not to mention the choice of topic? What happened to the originality and self expression that the Georgia Straight used to be known for? One theory I have is that the most interesting people often never publish their thoughts, experiences, ideas, etc. They might not even realize how interesting their lives are to others who do not have the same experiences, and then again some people just do not want to confess.
I can semi-accurately guess if someone is a Vancouverite now. I can zone in on their very subtle accent. I was raised here, so I think that is why. I guess everyone else will think this is non-sense even though accents and dialect truly do exist everywhere.
Around 15 years since we stopped writing (she called me a "wanker"), an old flame looked me up. Had some request about helping them with their website. We caught up a bit. Turns out they're in a bad marriage with a controlling man and have an adolescent. Then they started creeping my old Facebook posts, that kind weirded me out. Then proposed coming to visit me (pretty sure the husband wasn't informed). Then the next day sent a map with directions to a provincial park to meet between our cities that weekend. I said I wasn't comfortable with that. Then they kept doing more of the same lurking and sending me strange messages. Now it's clear theyre onto plandemic conspiracy bullshit and sending me links to misinformative documentaries and articles. I just feel sorry for her at this point but she's really not my problem. I've now blocked her for crossing boundaries I never knew I had. Did 15 years without being friends, guess I can live with longer. That was just weird.
But I still feed the ducks bread when I go to the lake. The government hasn’t totally cleansed my personality and morals yet.