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Failing at love

Life's been good to me, easier then most. People know me as the man that has it all. I look good on paper. Sad to say no takers for longterm. I'm never alone alone, I always score mindless dating, nothing substantial to lift my spirits, Im beginning to see why..Ive messed up any good healthy possible relationship. When certain connections dont materialize the way I planned for whatever reason, I flashback and it infuriates me..in that moment Im consumed by seething rage and bitterness to demean and mess with women I anticipate will reject me any way I can, their friendships, relationships, confidence, career, nothing is off limit until I push them away for good. I let my anger at past opportunities I was rejected get the best of me. If only I didnt let my past make me that way and told them how I felt..But what did I do? Childishly pick them apart to avoid thinking on my pitiful issues, focus my anger on them and resort to games instead of focusing on me. I want a do over , apologize and do better, .. I feel a heaviness I cant escape..I know Im one of the lucky few who didnt lose anything over the pandemic.. that can change any day and I hate to say that day is getting closer. I put on a good game but i don't like what I see in the mirror.. I look smaller and smaller. I fear what I tried to avoid is catching up to me. ..

Im an asshole

I am learning to be an asshole. I don't want to be, but it seems to be the only way to counter the constant bombardment of negativity and "advice" - finger wagging. Media is one thing, they do it to t get you to consume, but its the constant pressure to self doubt, and undermine my self esteem. I have to constantly remind myself that I am okay, i don't need to be perfect, why do so many people try to make me feel like i need to drink their newfound flavor of coolaid. From the financial advice of people that are so heavy in debt, to my ex who knows everything but cant get a job in this market to support her kids. From institution like religion, and police, who are are rotten from the inside, telling us how to behave. The friend who tells me to skip my craft beers; but I should try pharmaceuticals, pot and hallucinogens to expand my mind. My various employers for years telling me how replaceable I am, but cant find any employees to give time off, not to mention my pay is the same for the last ten years. Don't get me started on dating, jesus, its like Shania said, that "aint good enough". Yes, i pay a therapist to give me perspective that I am okay! I know this, but still go, because the barrage of finger wagging is stifling. Jesus, why do I have to be an asshole and tell people to chill the fuck out, otherwise they don't get it. What the hell do you bring to the table? I am happy to learn and grow from people that are actually doing the things they preach about, and succeeding at it. So if i cut you off in the left lane because you've been doing the speed limit, just like the car next to you for the last hour. Fuck you. I don't want to do that, thanks for the lesson. Do your thing, please, just do your thing, stop shoveling that down my throat and let me be.

Hell of a pandemic

Seeing pictures of people and so many ppl went grey over the last year. Even white in their beards. I don’t think I look old like them, but I definitely look broke and poorer over the last year.

Painful stigma.

I've lost over a decade to depression. I literally hide myself away in my parent's house. I've tried several different medications, therapy, intense cardio, being out in nature, got a dog, meditation, healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, herbal supplements. I'm so tired of trying, I'm so exhausted from fighting. And there's noone to tell because the stigma & judgment are extreme. 

Seeing random women cry

Whether it is New Years morning and everyone is sleeping, or in an ally outside of Granville strip, I occasionally see a woman cry by herself. I cannot imagine how terrible it is to break down and cry somewhere in public by one’s self. I wonder it is socially acceptable for a guy to console a random woman in the streets. My gut says yes, but I suspect there could be a lot of “get the fuck away from me” curveballs too.

I end up in psychiatric care

I am in medical leave because of my career. I work in social services. The amount of pressure, abuse, lack of support, lack of promoting mental wellness, and the broken system in this field that I end up having a mental breakdown. Unfortunately, I have to quit this field. No amount of self-care and trying to detach myself as a frontline worker couldn't avoid my fate. Yes, another one bite the dust in the helping field. :-(

Lazy Lovers

After staying home for this long, it's doubtful that I will accept "Netflix n' chill" as a date again.

Dreams of a New Me

As someone who has struggled with weight my whole life, I wished I had used the past 1.5 years of COVID as an opportunity to lose weight. I know I am the lucky few who saw improved mental health during the pandemic, because I was able to work from home and have less FOMO. I got back three hours a day because I no longer had to commute, and I could eat healthier because I live with my parents and they also have a fridge and pantry full of healthy, nutritious foods. I wish I could go back to work and dating in the fall with a new, fit body, but that won’t be the case. I keep dreaming of what could have been. Going back to my old habits and still having the self loathing and low self esteem makes me so sad. If only I could go back in time and use my extra time each day more wisely!

Warm beer alert

Whenever I buy cans of beer from the "cold section" of a lot of private liquor stores, the beer ends up being warm. At least at the BCL, it's actually legitimately cold. Saving a buck... but the buck stops here. I like COLD beer. Not... semi-cold beer.

I SAW YOU

Cheam mnt Thursday July 22

You where in a group of 4. I asked if you where having fun yet? I think you freind called you...

SAVAGE LOVE

Savage Love: How best to respond to a husband suspected of cheating?

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