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What difference does it make?

Why is suicide treated with such shame, silence and stigma? I have no one. No. One. Not even a cat or dog. No one will notice if I disappear. I'm just so very tired. Too exhausted to carry on

Waiting

The crappiest part of the job hunt is waiting. Once I apply, I want to know right away if anything will happen. Waiting just sucks. I’ll try and preoccupy myself but end up checking my phone all the time for a response.

Customer service in Covid

As someone who works in Government, Covid has made my job much more difficult. I’ve been verbally abused, cornered and yelled at by rude customers of all sorts. Generally, I’m ok with handling rude customers. I always try to maintain an assertive yet calm and empathetic attitude to help defuse a situation from escalating. But this pandemic has made things much worse. The rules keep changing constantly which really frustrates me because I can hardly keep up with all these new ever changing policies. I’m the one that has to break the sad news to people that they need to book appointments to come in. I wish more people would try to understand how hard it is for those of us who work in the public sector to deal with abuse on a daily basis on the front lines. We do the best we can. Don’t judge us.

Swimming

Is my happy place place. Indoor outdoor cold warm. The water the breath the rolling the freedom the pure joy. I am A mermaid.

Disintegration

I get lonely due to the pandemic and at the beginning of the summer all my friends and associates seem to get into relationships. All moving in with their new people within a few weeks.I definitely have fomo. But now that the dust has settled and listening to the stories, many are living with people with kids who are still married. They talk like everything is for forever. That they went from lonely to perfect life, perfect job, perfect everything in an instant. It sounds a lot like I used to every time I got into, what would be a toxic relationship. I don't know if it's my fomo, or the thought of watching relationship after relationship disintegrate in the next few months. Even a few parents I know have this view that all their kids new beau's will be "the one". Like they've hit lottery wins in every direction of their lives. My life isn't not exciting right now, but I am not sure I want to go from 0 to 100 and blow through a bazillion red flag stop signs either. Then again. maybe Im just being bitter

Take it!

I routinely use services like grocery delivery and grocery pickup with the usual big players. The people who bring my groceries to my condo front door, or car trunk are helpful and polite and helping me with a chore that I hate. To thank them, I offer them cash tips. I don’t make it awkward; all I say is “Thank you!” and offer the tip. And they refuse! Please, just take it. No one is looking. You deserve it. It’s free money. I know you explain that you’re not allowed to. But you drove to my place in your own car and you’re sweating from lugging the stuff. Just take it. Everyone needs more money to live on.

Look

I am hideous and old and absolutely no one would want me. Ok I get it ! Move on with your life ! I'm ok with that ! I love me for me !

Before my time is up

I would like to win a lotto jackpot just once. It doesn't have to be in the tens of millions. Just enough to buy a decent home here.

You get what you pay for

I’ve had my fill with free counselling services through my work. They weren’t the best. They would just sit there, look at me and try to calm me down. Then they ask what are some strategies that I can do. It’s just didn’t do it for me. One counsellor in particular tried to push his personal agenda on me by asking me what my sexual orientation is. Counsellors need to give their clients a choice if they want to talk about the issues of sexuality or not. Believe me, I felt even more depressed after walking out of the office. I’m sure that’s a different experience for everybody but free counselling is not for me. So I just pay to see a psychologist that I’ve known for many years. He knows my history and has really helped me truly understand my feelings. I think I will stick with people whom I can trust and the psychologist is definitely one of them.

I'm exhausted

of the city. Of its shrouding busy lights where you cannot make out a thing with your weary eyes. People on relentless insatiable chases that leaves close ones in the dust. The pandemic, too, but it only exaggerated what was already there. I'd like to go somewhere small. A quiet place with birds by a body of water. Bonfires under the bone moon. Those who aren't coming to leave. People often say that you'll miss the city, but after some months in a quaint town last year, I'm not sure if I will.

I SAW YOU

Leopard coat sits with red plaid jacket on...

Was the first real night out in a while and was very flighty with my head swimming in shed...

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