I loved a woman who lied all the time. Okay, I still love her. She lied about unimportant things, and she lied about important things, too. Finally, I wrote to her, "Please do not use my security fob and key to enter my home, again. Please discard my security fob and key. I have discarded the personal belongings you left at my home. Love Always, GP". At first, I was sad all the time. Now, I am only sad when I think about her. But I think about her every day.
I’m an attractive person but I get rejected very often, by people I meet on online dating apps. I’ve realized that in all these instances that the common denominator is me. I’m a deeply flawed person and my dates see right through me. There is a lot that is wrong with me as a person, so no one wants to love me regardless of my appearance. I guess I have to accept the fact that I will keep getting rejected, be love starved alone and sexless forever, because I don’t really change. I’m the person I am and people evidently don’t like the real me. I feel very litle worth in the dating marketplace. The problem is obviously me. Sigh.
Although I will say, dating apps have normalized a harsh and brutal cold culture of rejection. The paradox of choice… so many options… the grass is always going to be greener with the next person right? It’s all too easy for decent humans to reject other decent humans in the search for the elite perfect mate.
I keep a secret playlist of songs, songs that I've allocated to a moment where the music and lyrics mark exactly how I felt about him at every stage. When I hear them, I think of him. I saved them to make a mixed tape of sorts to call these our songs, and towards the end the songs go from wonder in drifting among the stars of astral dreams, wishing joy in jack johnson's better together, passion in muse's madness or promises in arkell's my heart's always yours to confusion, frustration, sadness and loss. There are times where I hear them and wish he had, so he could've known how I felt and when. I don't know whether he'd hear them and "get it" or whether he'd have a list of superficial cliche songs that are out of sync as his playlist to compare. The list I guard is now quietly waiting to age out the emotions I attached to them because they're good songs that need emotional distance so they can be played without pulling me back to a man who, it seems, never cared. I was so sure, though.
Haunted by the ghost of you, take me back to the night we met....
Who wouldn't want to rent a basement suite apartment for $1900 a month? What the fuck happened to this city? I have a good job, I work overtime yet I can't afford more than a basement suite for $1900 a month? Greed has killed our city. My confession.... I HATE PEOPLE right now.
Tower of Babel,
According to Genesis, the Babylonians wanted to make a name for themselves by building a mighty city and a tower “with its top in the heavens.” God disrupted the work by so confusing the language of the workers that they could no longer understand one another. The city was never completed, and the people were dispersed over the face of the earth.
This week at work was like the most difficult exam. It’s usually a breeze but people called in sick and I helped out because I believe in helping others. Also had to deal with a complicated request as well as many unexpected distractions to my main work duties. Luckily the request might be approved so I guess what I did mattered. 30 more years until retirement. I’m young and wish I could move away to another country for work but I have to take care of my mom since it’s only us two now. Please any kind words would be helpful. I’ve had enough lately lol.
We enter into the year of the white rabbit and on this continent there is a confluence of meanings. What of our rabbit? On one hand: luck, intellect, cautiousness, and prosperity. In the middle: experimentation, exploration, curiosity. And on the other hand: duty, incredible anxiety, awareness of time, the power to choose and to clear paths. Then within dreams: faithfulness in love. I look forward to seeing all of the faces of our Rabbit this year and accept them as they come.
I work for a non-profit that lets a bully keep their job.
My autistic brother can recall a movie we saw on June 26 1985, yet he forgot my birthday today. I texted friends on their birthdays, took them out to dinners or shows. And I get radio silence today. I give up. SO much energy output and no love in return.
I've been married for over 30 years and for decades I'v secretly wanted to be dominated and feminized by my wife... the thought of a "role reversal" is always on my mind.... but most people think it's "dirty" or unhealthy so I've suppressed it for years...