Search confessions

Just because I forgive you doesn't mean you get me back

Been seeing a lot of pearl-clutching and desperate posts by ageing parents on various comment platforms recently. They're usually something along the lines of "children should always respect their parents" or "your parents did they best they could" or "nobody's perfect" or "the past is the past". I think they're saying these things because they're realizing there is a huge cohort of abused adult children who are cutting out toxicity in their lives, and they're part of what's gonna be hauled to the emotional dump. Chickens always come home to roost.


I should know it’s okay to cry, to be upset and yet deep down I don’t. I’m embarrassed. I try to hold my breath, distract, but the tears won’t stop. If I don’t fight them at least they won’t show as much. Let them slip down quietly. I’m shaking and I can’t steady myself. Breathe. Slow the breaths. Think of ducks. It’s not working. I wish I could turn this off until I have the safety to ugly cry in solitude.

Kicking myself

I have a silly crush on someone I met a mutual friend’s birthday party. And it’s silly because she’s a bit older than me, has two young kids and it’s been a year since separating from her husband. All those facts aside, she is an incrediblybbeautiful and intelligent person in my eyes. This isn’t territory I have any experience in nor do I find it wise to explore. I basically my dream woman and I can’t stop f’ing smiling when she’s around me. But she’s not someone I can make mine at the end of the day

Contradictions in belief systems

Is this a Vancouver phenomenon or is the problem more widespread? Has anyone else run into the contradiction amongst your peers that believe their lifestyle (usually vegan) and habits (bike riding) cause fewer environmental issues and profess to respect all peoples etc. Except that their lifestyle betrays their disrespect, for example I know an artist who claims to be environmentally sensitive, yet freely use hair color with damaging chemicals, never hesitate to get rides in other people's cars, and create their art so that it can be transferred to a PVC format. PVC is the most dangerous kind of plastic on the planet and yet the same person who claims to be respectful of all environmental issues is basically making a living polluting the planet with no explanation as to this inherent contradiction so go figure why no one is calling them out on it. Do people just have their heads in the sand or do they just not care? I confess, I am at a loss to explain nail polish and cosmetics and hair color being used as if they were harmless, by vegan bike riding small footprint types. Why is everyone pretending they are "woke" when their personal habits reflect thoughtlessness?

Dog Days of September

I love this time of year. Most people are back to work from holidays or are back in school. The beaches and trails are less crowded. I can grab a preroll and my tunes and go for the day and chill. I guess October counts to.

I Refuse

To drink IPA. It's too good. It's challenging to drink beer in moderation so why allow myself beverage that taste and smell better than Bud. It's insanity. It's akin to going from weed to crack I imagine

Issues Horizon

I think I've been fixated on someone for over a decade because the relationship is unattainable, and I'd rather consider my (dream) perfect relationship doesn't work out because it hasn't started yet, than work on the fact that I don't actually know how to love anyone.


I don’t want to accept you’re gone. Perhaps instead you’re traveling somewhere and too busy to stop by to say hello. The idea of attending your farewell ceremony feels like filing a missing persons report. I recount the last time I saw you, how you looked, what we talked about, where I thought you might have gone and a party is gathered. To seek and find your remains for closure seems to signify the search is over. Maybe it’s like a game of sardines. One by one we discover and crowd together in the hiding place of death. Gathering in solidarity acknowledging a final rite of passage completed and waiting for our friends to join us.

I’m confused

Is it normal for someone to tell you that they never want to see you or speak to you again, but then act like there’s something wrong with you if you’re reluctant to speak to them if you happen to run into them in public? Maybe it’s just me, but if an adult person says that to someone they’ve been in a long relationship with, I’m taking that very seriously. I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to a person that I cared about at all, because those are words that you would have to take back pretty much immediately if you didn’t really mean them. Why do grown people think that they can say whatever pops into their head just because they’re angry, and not have to accept the consequences that result from those words? This should be understood by anyone past the age of 18 in my opinion. Either learn to control yourself and your temper, or deal with the consequences after the fact. Your choice.

I wished I'd listened to my mother

My mother hated the woman I married and her family. I don't know how she knew they were scumbags but oh boy was she right. The scummiest back stabbing aholes ever. I wished I'd listened to you mom! You know what to do!


I Saw You See Me See You

I walked by you on the street along Hastings last week and recognized you from a patio last...

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