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2nd winter surge

…and I think I fared better the 1st winter surge. I made personal goals, I enjoyed being on my phone, I made efforts with friends. This 2nd winter surge, I’m tired, I haven’t made efforts for people, I hate the content that I watched last winter, and I can’t muster the energy to go do outdoor things. I haven’t had a happiness high in months. Thank god the days are now getting longer, that is something that will guaranteed progressively look and feel better.

All I want for xmas

Is the woman who is in love with me, and I her, would finally admit it to herself and call me. I'm a sad bugger.

Seat at the table

There are people who believe their lives matter more than others but I am not so arrogant to believe I can cheat death. The last couple of years, when everyone seemed to be complaining about losing family, friends, classmates, workmates over differences it saddened me. They almost seemed to be bragging about it. While others circles were gleefully shrinking, mine expanded. It's not a competition but I can't help to think that at a time when people should have been coming together, they chose to use the years rather unwisely. Whether it was attacking others beliefs or jumping to judgment, it greatly devalued and cheapened the struggles everyone faced, while forcing nonsensical wedges. I see and hear them and they're still talking through an undercurrent of jadedness about these losses. I can hear the self-inflicted misery they feel committed to but don't want to live in. I'm grateful for the ability to have reconnected with people estranged and built new healthier relationships. No matter what people may think - usually the loudest - it doesn't matter as long as you stay true to yourself and stay guided by your internal light. You will attract the right people. It has been a great joy getting to know more people in harmony with humanity through these times. I'm encouraged by what I see; a desire of people to reconnect with themselves and others in meaningful ways again, less division, more unity, where everyone is welcome.

Mean what you say

I find it exhausting to hear about climate change, plastic bags and all the such from people who out of the other side of their mouths are sad they can't travel to sunny destinations. Let's get rid of fossil fuels but the not ones that take me to the places where I destroy other peoples beaches and towns.

A beautiful time

I was with a person in-between their two marriages. Their marriages have been identical, reaching for dreams that aren't really what marriage are about. When I was with them, they had a toddler. It was when I saw the true beauty of who they were. You can not put on a fake disguise when you are alone with a 3 year old, when you are watching Jeopardy, because you are home with a little one who doesn't care or know that you were a bar star. Both of their marriages have been failures because they couldn't see who they were when they were alone as a parent. It was a beautiful time to know them. In their loneliness they had beautiful dreams and I am glad that I was apart of them. But time moves on. Dreams fail, and what we once were we will never be again.

If you will spend the holidays

With people who love you, you have no idea how lucky you are. I’ve been alone every Christmas, New Years, Birthday, etc etc for decades. It’s exhausting putting on a happy face and pretending I’m not dying inside because I’m so sad, lonely, and depressed. Please be gentle with people. You never know. I’m sure I look happy and successful on the outside. Really I’m just trying to figure out how to survive another miserably lonely holiday.

La la la la lappetite

Do you ever completely forget how to pronounce words?? I was trying to tell a doctor today I had LOW appetite or a LACK of appetite or a LOSS of appetite, and instead I somehow combined it all into some crazy gibberish like 'la la la lappetite'. Silver lining, he patiently waited for me to finish my special moment and even understood what I meant!

Soooo fat that noone will want me.

That's it. That's the confession. Originally being fat was a strategy to keep men away. It worked. Now it's really difficult to lose the weight. And I will probably look this way forever. And that's heartbreaking.

The longer the pandemic drags on

The fewer people I have in my life. At the beginning, people were acting strange, promoting terrible ideas online, nitpicking my photos. 21 months later, other friends are demanding their “freedom” and think being unvaxxed is a better idea than being vaxxed. I crave human contact but throughout the pandemic I am hating listening to my friends and find we have no common ground on things. On a happiness scale out of 10, I’m like 4.5 or 5. Just barely getting through things.


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