I'm not actually crying. I actually don't have an open, lower punctum in my left eye. After a severe infection years ago, it just closed. So most of my tears in that eye drain over my lower eyelid. It's a bit annoying, especially on windy days, but it's not worth the surgery. If you see someone that looks like they're crying only out of one eye, that's probably me.
Geez, I must confess why I'm upset about the anti trans/gay groups that are only attacking children with their hate. Believe it or not, school can be and should be a safe haven from homophobic and transphobic parents. These goons are only perpetrating hate which seems to be welling up from some of our ignorant neighbours to the south. If you are a child with an abusive home (abusive in all respects) then you need to have a refuge from this hate and should be protected from it without question. Parental rights? I call BS. A very thin disguise of hate, abuse and discrimination masquerading as care and concern. It seems every time these hate groups rear their ugly heads out of the sewer they target the vulnerable and those unable to defend themselves. Cowardice at its worst! Let the children live their lives as they wish. Believe it or not, they can make the right decisions for themselves.
Speaking from experience, the ONLY way to conquer your fears is do embrace them, and failure. Spending your whole life afraid of your own shadow ain't going to get you anywhere. Knowing your own limits is one thing, testing them is another. People are imprisoned by their own minds. The only one really telling you that you can't do/aren't good at doing something is YOU, followed by a trail of excuses as long as a bridal train. All the great figures we look up to didn't rise to fame by trembling in fear over what others thought of them. Stop pondering, humming and hawing, and start doing (and no, I don't mean become a phenomenon/TikToker. Be real!). If you fall down, get back up, and press on. Should one day you be diagnosed with some terminal illness (God forbid), you'll regret not having lived before you die. PS: If you've got no money, where there's a will, there's a way.
When I think back to some of the obviously rotten things he did while we were together sometimes it’s hard for me to understand why I kept making excuses for staying with him. One of the really lousy things was this habit he had of never saying anything positive about any picture of me or my family or friends if I showed him one. No matter how old the photo was and even baby pictures, he would find something critical to say about it. I’ve been trying to recall any time he said anything nice about any picture that he didn’t take himself and so far nothing. Someone accused me of being obsessed but they don’t understand how completely devastating to a person being so emotionally traumatized in multiple ways for so long can be. How much it changes your brain and how long it can take to recover once you’ve broken free from that person. So I’m not obsessed with him because that part is done for good, but I’m obsessed with learning why it happened, how it happened, and how to make sure it never happens again.
I want to quit my job SO much. If I wasn’t so desperate for that paycheque I’d do it tomorrow. I’m sick of working for someone who shows so little integrity. Someone who constantly changes his mind about everything. He says he’s going to do something and then he claims he never said it. There’s almost no one left working here anymore, and at the rate he’s going he’s going to lose me and the rest of his clients too. He thinks he can just do everything on his own, but I’m the one who is left trying to do a good job with no support. I’m so depressed and feel completely hopeless.
I had a vivid dream that the woman ive been madly in love with since 2017 walked up and asked me to join her for coffee.
Then pow, i wake up.
She knows, she knows.
I am mellow and I apologize a lot. I have mittens and like the snow. When I see our elected officials picking fights with everyone in Canada, online and around the world I don't get it. These aren't Canadian values. They don't represent anybody I know. Canadians I know are sweet, loving people who say sorry.
I work as a teacher. High school. I am preparing to quit. I loved this job but its worn me down. Sure the admins could be more supportive, yea parents could be less demanding but its the kids. They are becoming worse and worse. They have no respect for adults or anything. They are full of hateful language and basically a bunch of bullies. Before you say it, the girls are as bad if not worse. I swear being a “mean girl” is trending. You should hear how they talk about each other. Its disgusting. The boys are incredibly racist and openly joke about rape and sexual assault. Im so done. I can’t anymore. I feel sorry for future of society. When these kids grow up they will make todays Karens look like angels. Im sorry. I tried I really did. I quit.
Often I wonder why life is so hard. I get bullied by the man in the top of the hierarchy. I feel preyed upon when exposed to men I don’t know. Things of value get stolen from me by others who are looking for an easy win. I then watch animal documentaries; the kind made by Nat Geo. And they’re comforting; the human world is just as brutal and competitive as the red animal world. Opposing groups fight to the death in the animal kingdom over resources, mates, habitats. Power is clung onto because it can easily slip away. When my complete prick of a boss insults me, or play mind games, it’s because he is trying to squash down threats to his world. Like me joining alliances with another company, the animal kingdom struggles are so universal.
To make ends meet, I’ve stopped going out. Basically, I just buy food now. That’s it. Buy groceries. Work. Buy groceries. Work. I checked out a local new pub that is opening and saw on their menu that Fries are $12. FRIES! Burgers $21. Plus tax plus tip, a basic burger and fries at this pub is close to $45. It used to be fun going out but now it’s fraught with financial consequences for me. I’ve declined social invites. $80 for a few hours at happy hour is not very happy. I miss the hood old days where you could roll in with friends and have a great time without worry. Traveling is the same: hostel private room is $100. Yes I could do the shared dorm but worry about safety and theft. So…. Buying groceries and staying at home for the foreseeable future.